I'm in a crisis! I need help, come on mood shift - shift back to good again!

It's amazing what nine hours of decent sleep, a sunny day, and a free veggie burrito from Panchero can do for a person's mood. I'm being realistic and realizing this feeling isn't going to last forever (hell, it might be gone tomorrow), but I'm going to enjoy the fuck out of it while it's here. I was tempted to buy into karma today, except I hadn't done anything to deserve a good day apart from being emotionally retarded and suffering because of it for a couple weeks. That hardly seems like it deserves a reward.

Out of breath and out of cash
Find yourself watching M.A.S.H.
Every night on the couch
Woman says, "Let's take a drive down south
Roll down the windows and open our mouths
Taste where we are and play the music loud
Stop the car, lay on the grass
The planets spin and we watch space pass
Walk a direction, see where we get
I never knew nothing so there's nothing to forget
Get real drunk and ride our bikes
There's so much beauty it could make you cry

I might have figured out a small part of the reason I wanted to believe in God the other night. Of course part of me wanted to call out to him for help, but I think part of me also wanted someone to direct my anger and frustration at. I didn't necessarily want to blame him, per se (though that may have come later), but I wanted to be able to think that someone had something to do with it in some way, instead of the universe randomly bestowing a bad weekend on me.

Don't worry about a thing
Because every little thing gonna be all right

Does anyone actually read any of the lyrics?

But I adore her - this will never happen

Sometimes I want to be able to shut my brain off, to not care about anything, to stop thinking so goddamn much. This might sound arrogant, but it seems that all the people I know who actually use their brains, who think about things that go beyond themselves, are the ones who are depressed the most. I'm sort of stealing this idea from Marc Maron, but maybe depression is a direct result of thinking, of being awake, of being in tune with what's going on in the world. Maybe the people who seem like they're always happy don't have a fucking clue. I've said before that sometimes I think maybe I should be on medication of some kind, but I don't think that's the answer anymore. If the natural response to the way society is set up is to be depressed and pissed off about everything, why should we take medication to get rid of that feeling? Shouldn't the people who don't get angry be the ones on medication? But then, anger doesn't really do a whole lot. It would be productive, except most of the time I have no idea how to run my own life, much less start solving shit in the world. That, and not all of my depression and anger stems from external stuff. A lot of comes from the fact that I get sick of my own life and how it's going, sometimes.

Everybody just get away
I'm gonna boil over inside today
They say things are gonna get better
All I know is they fuckin' better

Depression's got a hold of me
Depression - I gotta break free
Depression's got a hold of me
Depression's gonna kill me

And then there's always the depression and frustration that stems from my complete inability to convince myself that she is not going to save me and make everything better. I know I've been writing about her a lot recently, and that the five of you who actually read this thing are probably sick of hearing about it (and that some of you might not know who she is - if that's the case, just ask me), but I'm fucking sick of it too. I just wish I could get over her. I hate the fact that seeing her ruins my day, and the days (weeks, sometimes) that follow. I hate that I can't listen to half of my favorite music without thinking about her. I hate that I use her as an excuse not to find other girls. Most of all, I hate myself for knowing that I idealize everything about her, that I've put her on this weird pedestal in my head, that I've made her into something she's not, that I continue to knowingly deceive myself by thinking that she can save me and by holding out hope that maybe someday (maybe right now!) she'll feel the same way about me. I continue to believe my own bullshit, and I hate myself for it. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to her.

I've only ever loved myself, but I love myself so well

You told me this has always been worth living - what's really worth living anymore?

A few quick thoughts. I'm hoping that typing them out will get them out of my system, even though I know it won't.

Thirsty and miserable, always wanting more

-Tonight, I really wish I could fully believe in God again, like I did back when believing in God still seemed logical, like I did back when it made me happy, when it gave me a purpose for my life. At this point not believing in God seems logical, so it also seems like the "right" thing to do, if that makes sense... and yet part of me still wants to believe in God, I think mostly because believing in God made me feel like my life had a purpose, even if I usually didn't follow that purpose (God, that plays right into my ego, doesn't it?). But, it also led to a lot of guilt when I didn't follow it, when I sinned, and yet most of that guilt should've been unnecessary because I think a lot of what's considered sin shouldn't be considered sin... does any of this make sense? I'm not thinking that clearly at the moment.

-I need to stop taking shit out on my dad. Yes, he's annoying, and yes, he probably does have some of it coming. But I know he's (mostly) coming from the right place, and I know he's not looking forward to me moving out. I wish I could be more patient with him.

I could use someone to talk to
But most of my conversations with men seem to revolve around music
I'm no musician, but the pain has been...
Instrumental
To my becoming autumn word
My senses finely tuned instruments of being... lonely
Of being... loved
Of being hu-man, man, man, I could use a metaphor but I just can't get beyond this shit
I could use a metaphor but I just can't get beyond

-I've dreamed about her for 7 or 8 out of the last 10 nights at least, and every time I wake up feeling amazingly hopeful until reality comes crashing in on me. This is getting a little ridiculous.

-I hate being paralyzed by indecision. I hate not knowing if I want to be around people or not. I hate wanting the opposite of whichever I choose. I wish I could figure out which makes me happy, and just do it.

Everything's gotten so complicated
Now you're older, now you're jaded
You despise what you used to love
Cursing everything under the sky above
When you think back does it ever make you cry,
Like it does me with the tears all in my eyes?
Crying, driving in my car
Looking back on my life so far

All the things that you believed in
Lies, all lies, they've been deceiving you
Deceiving me, deceiving you

When we were young we were told so many times,
"Prepare for your future because it won't be easy!"
They never did tell us to enjoy life, here it is
Then before you know it life has passed you by

-I wish I still wrote on a regular basis. It used to be that depression was an impetus to write, but now words never seem good enough.

-I was driving home in this depressive state tonight, and I stopped and gave the money I had into my pocket to this guy who was on the corner begging for change. I talked to him for a little while, then got back in my car and started driving again. And I realized I felt a little better... and I still feel a little better. And I'm thinking... maybe we really are all connected on some level. Maybe I feel better for helping this guy because we're all part of the same thing. Maybe that's what life is all about.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can’t breathe
And I hope someone will save me this time
And your mother’s still calling you insane and high
Swearing it’s different this time
And you tell her you give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone
And feel badly for upsetting things
Crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide
And you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying
And sometimes when you’re on
You’re really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to
And you’ll show up for work with a smile
And you’ll be better
And you’ll be smarter
And more grown up
And a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you’ll be awake
You’ll be alert
You’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you’ll be a real good listener
You’ll be honest
You’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful
You’ll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
And your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
And you’ll fight it
You’ll go out fighting all of them

It takes a long time, but God dies too - but not before he'll stick it to you

Idea for a short story I'll never write:

A man doesn't believe in God. He continually tries to prove this to those around him, but no one will listen. He gets so fed up that he starts to lose his mind. Then, he has a brilliant idea to prove that he is right. Unfortunately, if he goes through with his plan, there will be no one to see that he was right after all - himself included. His plan is this: find a way to destroy the entire Earth and everyone living on it and himself at the same time. Let's follow his logic. God has a plan for the universe. Specifically, God has a plan for the Earth. Even more specifically, and depending on who you talk to, God has a plan for every human being. Furthermore, God wants to redeem his creation, probably by sending Jesus back for all those who follow him. If our unnamed hero (villain?) devises a way to carry out his plan, along with a number of backup methods just in case, surely God would intervene to save his creation. If he failed to do so, wouldn't this prove that God doesn't exist after all? And if he did intervene, we would then have absolute proof of his existence, which would also benefit humanity. But of course, the dilemma is contained in the fact that in order for his plan to work, our hero would have to find a way to kill every last human being, otherwise God's creation lives on and he still has an opportunity to fix everything. Thus, our hero's whole plan becomes moot.

...doesn't it?

God is a woman and the woman is an animal
That animal's man and that's you
Was there a need for creation?
That was hiding in a math equation and that's this:
Where do circles begin?


Oh, and you should all read this book.

Pray It's Malignant

And now, some words from Henry Rollins:

I want to meet a woman who will make my jaw drop in awe. A woman that has little time for me. One who respects herself, who has a sense of herself. Where is she? I wish she was here right now.



Walking wounded and dazed. Is there anyone alive out there tonight? I hear rain falling. I hear cars passing. I see shapes moving but I can't be sure. I have a rotten, recurring feeling that rips through me. A desperate longing for what, I don't know. I walk, thinking that it might come to me, that I might be able to get my hands around its throat and strangle it. I want to kill it because it wants to kill me. I say kill all the enemies in my brain. The monster stalks the streets in search of itself. Regret, I'll kill that guy. Despair, shoot him. Loneliness, come forward, I want to disfigure you. I want to turn you on yourself and make you see what you do to people. I want you to see the blood and the anger. I want you to feel the sullen lump that finds itself in my throat when you come in. I want to lock you up in solitary and watch you destroy yourself. I am going to make sure you go as slow as possible. I want you to taste every drop. You're going to find out what hell is like. You're going to see that it's you. To make things as bad as I can, I'm going to give you little breaks from yourself. I'll give you shot glasses full of the finest companionship. I'll get you hooked. Then, when all you want is the next fix, I'm going to cut you off and you will be left all alone with yourself. And then you will know what we all know. You will scream like we all scream. You will feel the pain. I don't know if you'll be able to survive yourself. That's a terrifying thought, isn't it? Well, good, we all go through it.



Have you ever tried to outrun yourself? Lose yourself in a crowd, hide from yourself in the stall of a bathroom? Take on a new attitude to fool yourself into thinking that you're someone else? Me too. Same thing every time. At the end, it's always you holding onto yourself. Out of breath, self-humiliated, hot footed, red handed and hopelessly human.

A brain that never stops ticking - sometimes an on/off switch would sure come in handy

I have no idea where this is going to go, but I feel like I need to write. It will most likely be long and rambling, like most of my late-night posts are. I may include bits of things I've written in the past, and will certainly be including lyrics, as always. I'm going to steal the format Tim uses for huge posts in the hopes that it will help me keep everything a bit more organized and concise. Oh, and if you read this, please comment. Even if it just says "I read this".

Goodbye to sleep, I think this staying up is exactly what I need

-I have no idea where I stand on god right now. I haven't believed in the Christian God for about a month now, and have been leaning in that direction for longer. I've been happier than I have been in a while since I made that decision, too. I still have a definite spiritual side, but I have no idea what I think about god, the afterlife, the metaphysical, etc. If I had to label myself, I'd call myself agnostic at the moment. I'm certainly not an atheist - whether it's my upbringing or my nature or something else entirely, I don't know, but I think I'll always be spiritual to some extent. I just don't know where my spirituality lies at the moment.

-I actually started to question my rejection of Christianity tonight for the first time. I drove around alone for a few hours, and I felt really empty. I tried to figure out what life was for, what I should be doing with mine, and I couldn't come up with anything. I knew that I wanted to be around people, but beyond that I couldn't think of anything else. I wondered if maybe God was the answer, but then I remembered that I had felt pretty empty on numerous occasions when I was still a Christian - but then, that may have been when I was following my own path instead of trying to follow God. I don't know.

What's the fucking point at all?

-I am not looking forward to starting school again at all. I'm really afraid it will be a huge waste of time and money. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, so I'll be getting a bullshit degree just to have a degree. I know that having a degree in anything will help me get a job once I graduate, but... I don't know. Of course, I'll have to get off my ass and finish applying before I even need to worry about school. And if I do get into the U for the fall, I don't know if I'll be able to work enough hours to afford to move out. Of course, without a degree, paying bills will be hard... it's all a mess. My future scares the shit out of me sometimes.

-Most of the time I can convince myself that I don't need, or really even want a girlfriend right now. But when I'm completely honest with myself, I am lonely and so sick of it. Then I wonder if a girlfriend will fix everything, and I know it won't. I'm sure I'll be happier, but a girl is not going to solve all my problems. That, and like... I like being able to do what I want to when I want to do it. I'm selfish. I want my time and money to myself. I want to be able to hang out with my friends whenever I feel like it. I want to be able to keep spending money on music. And then I wonder if I met the right girl... would that change everything? Would I be willing to sacrifice time and money for her? For the most part my friends keep me from feeling lonely, but sometimes I get a little lonely even when I'm hanging out with people. I don't know. That's become my mantra as of late.

Lonely feelings make me sad around company

-It's been more than five years now, and I'm still not over her. Part of me hopes she doesn't read this, and part of me hopes she does - and that's the part of me that foolishly hopes she feels the same about me, even though there's no way she does. And yet I continue to hope.

-I don't care how this sounds - I think I'm in love with Regina Spektor. Everytime I hear "That Time", I find myself more and more attracted to her.

I've written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones

-I know I've said this a thousand times before, but Neutral Milk Hotel is the best band ever. I got both of their albums on vinyl a few weeks ago, and have been playing them five or ten times a week since. Something about laying on my bed in the dark with a pair of headphones on and listening to "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" makes me feel like nothing else. I still have no idea what most of the lyrics mean, but there's something there that transcends literal meaning and speaks to the core of my being. I truly believe that there is healing in Jeff Mangum's music.

-I don't know the last time I cried, and that is starting to worry me a little.

When I'm home, I think I'll go eat cereal and stare out the window

-I am completely over her, and I'm not sure if I like her as a person now. I don't know if I was blind to her personality before because I thought she could save me, or if I've somehow forced myself to see her differently now. Is it my fault or hers? Both? Nobody's?

-I want to do something meaningful with my life. Something that matters. I have no idea what that would be, but I want it. I really don't want to be stuck in an office for the rest of my life. I have a feeling that whatever it is, I don't need a college education for it.

My stomach swears there's comfort there, in the warmth of the blankets on your bed. My stomach's always been a liar - I'll believe its lies again

-Sometimes I want nothing more than to get into a fight. I know I would lose, and could definitely get hurt pretty bad, but I want it nonetheless. Am I self-destructive or violent or do I just have too much pent up frustration and nothing to direct it at?

-Sometimes I feel like I'd be all right with dying, and other times it really scares me. Usually when I'm all right with it it's when I think I'll just cease to exist upon death. When it scares me, I usually think I'll live forever in some form.

Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? With nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through. And I will die all alone. And when I arrive, I won't know anyone. Jesus Christ, I'm alone again - so what did you do those three days you were dead; because this problem is gonna last more than the weekend. Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die... but I'm a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot or do I float through the ceiling? Or do I divide and pull apart? Because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark. And this ship went down in sight of land. And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

-I've wanted to believe in reincarnation since before I knew what reincarnation was. For some reason that idea has always comforted me.

-I read up on Buddhism a little, and while I don't want to become Buddhist there are some principles that make sense to me (as a side note, Buddhism and Christianity share a lot of ideas, which gives me even more to think about regarding religion). There's this one bit about how we all have a good side and an evil side, and rather than denying or fighting the evil side, we should embrace it and try to find a balance between the two. I wonder if I like that because it actually does make sense to me, or it's simply easier than Christianity and appeals more to my selfish nature.

When I arrive will God be waiting and pacing around his throne? Will he feel a little Old Testament? And will he celebrate with fire and brimstone? Yeah, I admit, I am afraid of the reckoning

-I think about this altogether too often... yet every passing thought seems to take me further from an answer.

-I want to get far, far away from here for a while, even if it's only for a day or two. I'm sick of being able to drive for hours and see nothing new. Everyplace I go has memories associated with it and I get tired of dwelling on the past sometimes. I want to get out of here and make new memories.

In an attempt to not lose a prized possession... I lost everything

-I wonder if these low points help me appreciate the high points more when they come. I think sometimes I should be on anti-depressants, especially when my annual period of weird pseudo-cyclothymia (or whatever it is) kicks in during late August and goes until early October or so. But then I wonder if that would ultimately make things better, especially since I'm fine for the rest of the year apart from minor bouts of depression like tonight (which is normal, considering it happens to everyone I know). I've dealt with it this long, and I don't know if getting rid of that relatively brief period of mood cycling would be worth potentially making the good parts of my life less enjoyable, not to mention that it would probably make me complacent with a boring life. I don't even know if any of that made sense.

-Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever.

I used to be such a burning example
I used to be so original
I used to care I was being cared for
And made sure I showed it to those that I love
I used to sleep without a single stir
Cause I was about my father's work

Take me out tonight
This ship of fools I’m on will sink
I’m my own stone around my neck
If you’d be my breath
There is nothing I wouldn't give

I used to pray like God was listening
I used to make my parents proud
I was the glue that kept my friends together
Now they don't talk and we don't go out
I used to know the name of every person I’d kissed
Now I’ve made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it