I Make a Damn Fine Sandwich - or - The Best Meal I Ever Ate
I have the house to myself for the week, and I had nothing to do tonight, so I decided to finally take Maddox's suggestion and make a damn fine sandwich. While I was at the store spending most of the money my parents left me on sandwich ingredients, I had the amazing idea to take photos as I made the sandwich, and then write a blog about it. So I did. (continued after the sidebar won't cover up the images anymore, since I'm too lazy to code everything properly)
Here are all the ingredients that went into making my sandwich and the soup that went with it. I bought most of them tonight, and I think it cost me like $25. So worth it.
The first slice of bread. A good way to start any sandwich, really.
Hard salami is tasty and full of fat. Doing good so far.
Muenster is easily the best sandwich cheese ever, even better than provolone. I ate the rind piece on its own, to fully enjoy it. I don't know what that orange stuff is, but it wins.
Between this and the soup, I think I used almost that whole bottle of Tabasco. Unfortunately, I should've used a bottle on each. Oh well.
Definitely should've used a whole heart, but oh well. Tasting the rest of the sandwich was good too.
I'm not really a fan of onions, but of course Maddox was right. They were great on this sandwich.
I forgot to put on the tomatoes first, so I took the onions off and put the tomatoes on, then put the onions back on, because I am a thinker.
I thought we had green olives at home, so I didn't buy any. Turns out we didn't. Black alone worked well enough, though.
Mmm... quality sandwich pickles, with extra garlic.
Like I was going to fry my own bacon. Tastes just as good out of the microwave as it does off the stove. I love bacon.
Turns out I could've used more than a teaspoon of vinegar, but better to be on the safe side.
All we had was light mayo. Meh.
The finished product. Should've been bigger. There's always next time.
That was a huge bowl of soup. And it won, even though it needed more Tabasco and lemon. Corn + clam chowder wins very hard, though.
The whole meal. Sandwich, soup, cheddar Pringles, and a can of Jones Berry Lemonade soda. Amazing.
I only had to compress it a little, which definitely means it wasn't big enough. There's always next time.
All gone.
Right after taking that last photo, I fell into a food coma.
I've tried this a few times before, always with terrible results. I tried it again tonight because Tim did it, and it was awesome. I used a list with a few more songs on it than him. It failed very hard the first time through (I had a song by Steven Seagal on there... I mean, seriously, total crap), but I gave it another shot, and it turned out really well. The idea to write the story was also stolen from Tim, of course.
Opening Credits: "Philosophy of Time Travel" - Donnie Darko Soundtrack The camera starts out in space, slowly panning to reveal the earth. It hovers there for a moment before beginning to zoom in (think that scene from Contact, only in reverse). Eventually, it's showing my house from the outside. The door opens, and my dad walks out. The camera moves past him as he closes the door and through the kitchen, where my mom and sister are sitting. It goes down the steps into the basement, where the sound of...
Waking Up: "A Walk in the Park" - Dogger ...can be heard faintly heard. As the camera gets closer to my door, the new song gets louder and the first fades out, until the camera stops right outside my door where the sound is almost deafening. The door is ajar, and through it I can be seen rousing from my sleep to turn the computer on so I can shut off the horribly annoying song I use to wake myself up in the morning. I get ready to leave, and the scene cuts to...
First Day At School: "At the Blue Gates of Death" - Current 93 ...the first day of my senior year of high school. The first school scene from Donnie Darko is ripped off, but with this song playing instead of "Head Over Heels". We see both my friends and the people I don't particularly care for going about their usual business.
Average Day: "Station" - Meat Puppets Time passes, friends are introduced, characters are developed, this is the song that fades in and out as a Friday is spent cutting class to hang out with friends. While walking out of a movie theater after seeing a horror movie, I overhear someone discussing whether or not Evil Dead II is a direct sequel to Evil Dead. I turn to see a girl trying to make the case that Evil Dead II is a re-envisioning of the first movie, which I vehemently disagree with. I proceed to get into an argument with this girl (whose name I find out to be Molly) about this, and I know we are made for each other. I ask her if she would like to further discuss it at a later date, and she agrees.
First Date: "Stitches" - Orgy We hang out all day the next day, and we hit it off very well. A friend of hers is having a party that night, so we go. She gets me drunk for the first time, and thus begins our dysfunctional relationship.
Falling in Love: "I'm Free (Live at Leeds)" - The Who Things are good for a while, however, and I feel happier than ever before. We spend all of our time together, so much so that I never see any of my friends anymore. I see one of them at another party Molly has brought me to, and we get into an argument about how I never spend time with him anymore. We've both been drinking quite a bit, so things quickly get physical.
Fight Song: "Liquid City 17-1-95" - Merzbow My head fills with sheer white noise, and I begin to attack my friend. Unfortunately, I am far drunker than him, and he beats me pretty soundly. Molly tries to help me, but I am angry and drunk, and I blame her for all of this. She gets very mad, and gets a calls one of her friends for a ride home. I clean myself up as best I can, and pass out in the basement of the house the party is at.
Breaking Up: "Anything Right" - P.O.D. I call Molly the next day to tell her I think we should break up. She agrees, and I swear off drinking.
Life's Okay: "Napoleon's Hat" - Bright Eyes I patch things up with my friends, and life is good for a while. In the back of my mind, Molly is always there, however, even though in retrospect I see how selfish she was, always needing to get her way in the relationship. She was also the source of my drinking, it seems, since I only drank while I was with her. I do my best to balance my current good mood with the knowledge that eventually something bad will happen, because that's how life goes.
Getting Back Together: "Gardenhead/Leave Me Alone" - Neutral Milk Hotel Towards the end of the school year, a friend of mine is having a big party. I attend, of course, and who should show up but Molly? I immediately start drinking again, the first time since we had broken up. As the night wears on, I realize I'm still in love with her despite everything. I go over to talk to her when she is standing alone and apologize for the past. She apologizes as well, and we spend the rest of the night talking. We end up deciding to get back together, and as prom is coming up and neither of us have dates, I ask her if she wants to skip prom with me and spend the night together like we had talked about doing while we were still going out. She agrees.
Prom: "Homeward Angel (Long)" - Moby We spend the night driving around and talking and listening to music. We stop driving to watch the sun come up, and then I take her home. The next few months pass wonderfully, though I have slipped back into drinking. My friends tell me she is being selfish and manipulating me again, but I ignore them. Eventually I propose to her, and she accepts.
Wedding: "47" - Sunny Day Real Estate We decide to elope, since there's no way our families could afford to pay for a wedding. We manage to convince the reverend at Shotgun Pete's to play this song during our "service", as I feel it sums up my feelings for Molly perfectly. The service is over before the song is, but we refuse to leave the altar until the song ends. Our life as a married couple is great, and we both even quit drinking for some time, until...
Birth of a Child: "I Lost All My Money At the Cock Fights (Demo Version)" - Minus the Bear ...Molly gets pregnant. We never wanted to have kids, but my contraception happened to fail once, and she got pregnant. Neither of us felt right aborting it, and said she refused to put it up for adoption. I withdrew quite a bit during her pregnancy, and went back to spending more time with my friends than at home with my pregnant wife. I go to a party one night, and begin to drink pretty heavily again. I meet a very attractive girl, and we begin talking.
Partying: "I Don't Wanna Hear It" - Minor Threat I put on a mix of 80s hardcore punk I'd made, and it turns out she loves old punk rock. We end up leaving together to go back to her place.
Driving: "The Artist in the Ambulance" - Thrice The only problem is, we are both pretty drunk and it's raining. However, I drove, so I decide we have to take my car. On the way to her place I run a red light, and end up getting in a really bad accident. I wake up in an ambulance, and then pass out again.
Mental Breakdown: "Divine Letdown" - No Use For A Name I wake up in the hospital the next day to find out that the girl I was with died in the accident. Molly is very mad at me for cheating, and tells me that she actually got pregnant by my best friend. We get divorced, and I have a complete mental breakdown. I reject everything - Molly, my friends, my family, God.
Regretting: "Two Months From a Year" - 36 Crazyfists Alone and embittered, I cut myself off from everyone. I spend most nights getting drunk. Molly calls me up one night, saying that my best friend has rejected her as well and wanting to get back with me, but I tell her off, saying she deserves it because she made me feel the same way throughout our relationship, that I can finally be myself now that I'm alone. She hangs up in anger, and I immediately regret it, wishing I could be back with her.
Long Night Alone: "Naked in the Afternoon" - Jandek I call her back time after time until she finally answers and tells me she never wants to speak to me again. I spiral into a depression, and spend the next few days laying in a completely dark room, drinking and listening to the most depressing records I own, including a lot of Jandek albums.
Flashback: "Quiet Days" - A Coarse Expression I put on a depressing mixtape I made, and begin to think about my life as the first track plays. I am deeply saddened by the way it has gone so far, and decide that it won't get any better.
Death Scene: "Jesus Gonna Be Here" - Tom Waits I decide then to take a bunch of Xanax and continue drinking. The last song on the mixtape finished just as I begin to finally pass out. In my drowsy, numbed state I feel the song speaking to me, and cry out to God to forgive me. I hear the opening notes of the saddest album I own "Horses in the Sky" by A Silver Mt. Zion just as I begin to slip off for the last time.
Funeral Song: "Ring Them Bells (Freedom Has Come and Gone)" - A Silver Mt. Zion Molly and my best friend are the only people who show up to my funeral, and they only do so out of a sense of guilt. They decide to play the last album that I listened to as a way of sending me off, and they weep bitterly as the last song roars out of existence.
End Credits: "In a Sweater Poorly Knit" - mewithoutYou A montage of my life begins as "In a Sweater Poorly Knit" plays in the background. It ends with a close up of my tombstone, the epitaph of which reads "I do not exist, only You exist". Then, a cut to black.
So, there you go. Sorry for the depressing nature of this story. I didn't initially plan for it to go like this, I had wanted it to be funny. But I just started writing, and it kept getting more depressing as it went on, so I decided to go all out and make it as dark as I could.
