So for the two or three of you who don't know yet, I am indeed grounded until May 1st. If that's all you need to know, I suggest you stop reading now, because this will probably get really long and uncomfortably personal. Granted, if you've ever read anything else I've written on here, you probably know I get kind of personal at times. Anyway, you've all had fair warning, so here we go.
I'm the same as I was when I was six years old, and oh my G-d I feel so damn old - I don't really feel anything.~"Never Ending Math Equation" by Modest Mouse
So I'm sure you're wondering why I'm grounded. For that, we need to back up to the beginning of March, maybe the end of February. One Monday I decided that I didn't feel like going to my Freshman Comp class, and I managed to convince myself that there was no real reason for me to be there. Thus, I stayed home and played Super Nintendo or some such ridiculous thing until it was time to go to work. The next day, I went to class because it was computer lab day, and I wanted to download stuff. Sometime within the next few days or week, I decided to skip again, once more convincing myself that I didn't need to be there that day. Now, if you're anything like me (and if you are, I am sorry) once you miss a day or two of school, it becomes incresingly harder to go back. I went a week or so, all the while telling myself I would stay caught up on homework and then go back the next time there was something I deemed "important" enough to go back to class for. This lasted for the next month. That's right, I've been to maybe 3 Freshman Comp classes since I decided to skip that first day. I am a loser and a major idiot.
Everywhere everywhere everywhere, it's all so plain it's all a plan, the sky doesn't ever end.~"Willful Suspension of Disbelief" by Modest Mouse
Did I mention that the whole time I was skipping my Freshman Comp classes, I was also skipping my Philisophy classes? Because I was. There would be times when I would go to school just to use the computer lab, when I should have been in Philosophy or Freshman Comp. Basically, there was a severe lack of judgement, wisdom, and common sense on my part, and I think I regret the decision I made to skip class more than any other decision I've ever made.
Everything that keeps me together is falling apart. I got this thing that I consider my only art of screwing people over.~"3rd Planet" by Modest Mouse
Just in case I would need to prove my regret to you for whatever reason, I cried more yesterday than I have in probably two or three years. I started crying on the way to work, and ended up having to pull over at a park and cry for a while, again when I told my mom everything, another time when I was talking to both of my parents about it, and once after that. True, a lot of that was due to more than just the fact that I skipped class and almost didn't graduate because of it. It finally hit me that I am actually graduating in two months, and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life, and that scares me maybe more than anything else has ever scared me in my life. I don't even know what I'm going to do in the fall. The more I think about school, the more I wonder if it's really for me. I mean, it'd be one thing if it was cheap, but I don't want to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to get a degree in something I don't even like. Even if I only get my AA before deciding I don't want to go to school anymore, that's still like $5,000 I could have saved, assuming I continue going to Normandale. And really, I'm not sure how much an AA will help me anyway. So now I'm stuck going to two English classes at high school everyday, one during first hour and one during last hour.
See, my dad's getting a bit older now, and just unimaginably lonely!
...
We have all our beliefs, but we don't want our beliefs. God of Peace, we want You.~"Four Word Letter (Pt. 2)" by mewithoutYou
I was also crying because I've realized once again how useless I am when left to my own devices. I make terrible decisions every time I'm not putting God at the center of my life. I've been telling myself that I'm going to get back into the habit of reading my Bible and spending time in prayer and meditation each and everyday and that I'm going to kick all the bad habits I have, and I never seem to get around to it. Andrew Schwab said it best in Do Not Disturb - "It takes a jackhammer to the spine, a dying relative, a cancer in the colon, and the deepest betrayal to garner your attention, whether you like it or not." I had to get faced with the prospect of not graduating and messing my life up really bad, with telling my parents that I had been lying to them for the last month about school, with knowing that it was my fault that my sister can't see Project 86 at the end of the month now, and with knowing that everything was my fault because when it comes down to it, I am the laziest person I know, and pretty freaking selfish to boot.
Traveling swallowing Dramamine. Feeling spaced breathing out listerine. I said what I said that I'd tell ya, and that's you killed the better part of me.~"Dramamine" by Modest Mouse
Finally, I was crying because even though I messed up really bad, and lied to them, and made them really disappointed, my parents were still there for me, willing to talk to me and listen to what I had to say, and help me out through all this shit. I mean, I know they love me, but I guess sometimes I just take that love for granted. Just the fact that they could even talk calmly with me, much less be willing to help and support me right now is a testament to how much they care about me. I realized once again just how much I love them, and how hard it's going to be to move out, whenever that happens. I don't understand why so many people are so eager to move out of their houses and get away from their families. Sometimes I feel like God and my family (and maybe a couple of my friends) are all that I really have. I am honestly not angry about being grounded, which I owe to God, I think. I asked him yesterday to help me accept whatever punishment my parents saw fit to give me without complaining about it, and I know if I hadn't asked him to help me out, I would have probably gone ballistic about being grounded for a month. Both God and my parents pulled through in so many ways yesterday, and I didn't deserve a single one, but that's what love is about, I suppose. And to all the people who don't agree with my parents' decision to ground me for that long, seeing as how I'm 18 and all, allow me to say one thing to you: please, shut up. I respect and, for maybe the first time ever, actually agree with their decision 100%. I don't really expect anyone else to understand their reasoning for grounding me or my agreeing with their decision, but please don't come whining to me about how gay it is that they grounded me for that long and how gay they are for doing it and how they have no right do it, even though I'm 18, and really, what have they ever done for me except feed me and give me a place to live and roughly nine million other things I'm not going to list. So, in summation, if you are one of the people who are thinking of criticizing the decision my parents made, take it elsewhere because I honestly don't want to hear it.
Ice age, heat wave, can't complain. If the world's at large why should I remain?~"The World At Large" by Modest Mouse
On a happier note, I do enjoy being back at high school. I've missed seeing a lot of people on a regular basis, and it's nice to be able to spend more time with them, since I'm sure I won't after graduation. I like English much better there, too. Driving back an forth between RHS, Normandale, and work will eat quite a bit of gas, but seeing as how I won't be using it on anything else for the next month, it probably won't make any difference. Anyway, I think it's time for me to wrap this up. I guess I'll end by saying that Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse writes the greatest album-opening lines ever. All of the lyric quotes, apart from the mewithoutYou one (obviously) and the next one I'll post are the opening lines to various Modest Mouse albums, including the title of this post. And that's that. See you all in a month.
Took a bus straight to Baltimore
On the way he took a nap
Dropped off a note that said "I'm giving this note back"
PS- There's a lot going on underneath
There's roots there's pipes, there's drainage leaks
You're on, you're wrong
Truly sorry, I see clearly
Calmly crashing, I pace faster than anyone
Hinges rusting, they swing louder than anything
Truly lonely this place is flatter than it seems
I'm upset and I leave the doors wide open
Our hearts are used up, cracked and dry
Pulled the scabs off of regrets
We haven't learned to read our conscience yet
Truly sorry, I see clearly
Hardy hoping, I spend it all on game machines
Calmly crashing, I pace and I figure out again
One hand clapping, awake but napping
Rows of lights to illuminate lines
Why don't they turn them off and let us see night
Drove crazed grooming my lies
You can't look in on one way eyes~"Ohio" by Modest Mouse
