I hate myself and I want to die

So much for being happy.

So much for being over her. I think maybe I'm working towards that point, but maybe I'm not. Who knows.

I am so goddamn worried that she might become my new savior. I really hope she doesn't. That would just fuck everything up. And yet part of me thinks I would fuck it all up if I could get what I wanted. I hate myself so much. And I mean that. I hate myself.

I want so badly to believe in God right now, to know that there is someone who is always there for me, who will love me unconditionally, who will give me a reason to keep going. Maybe I can't believe because I don't think I deserve that.

I should sleep. I'm tired. Really tired. But I'm so afraid I'll just lay there, feeling absolutely wrecked but being unable to fall asleep.

I sort of hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

I need to see someone about all of this, but I'm really scared and I'm not entirely sure why.

God take me because I hate me.