You told me this has always been worth living - what's really worth living anymore?

A few quick thoughts. I'm hoping that typing them out will get them out of my system, even though I know it won't.

Thirsty and miserable, always wanting more

-Tonight, I really wish I could fully believe in God again, like I did back when believing in God still seemed logical, like I did back when it made me happy, when it gave me a purpose for my life. At this point not believing in God seems logical, so it also seems like the "right" thing to do, if that makes sense... and yet part of me still wants to believe in God, I think mostly because believing in God made me feel like my life had a purpose, even if I usually didn't follow that purpose (God, that plays right into my ego, doesn't it?). But, it also led to a lot of guilt when I didn't follow it, when I sinned, and yet most of that guilt should've been unnecessary because I think a lot of what's considered sin shouldn't be considered sin... does any of this make sense? I'm not thinking that clearly at the moment.

-I need to stop taking shit out on my dad. Yes, he's annoying, and yes, he probably does have some of it coming. But I know he's (mostly) coming from the right place, and I know he's not looking forward to me moving out. I wish I could be more patient with him.

I could use someone to talk to
But most of my conversations with men seem to revolve around music
I'm no musician, but the pain has been...
Instrumental
To my becoming autumn word
My senses finely tuned instruments of being... lonely
Of being... loved
Of being hu-man, man, man, I could use a metaphor but I just can't get beyond this shit
I could use a metaphor but I just can't get beyond

-I've dreamed about her for 7 or 8 out of the last 10 nights at least, and every time I wake up feeling amazingly hopeful until reality comes crashing in on me. This is getting a little ridiculous.

-I hate being paralyzed by indecision. I hate not knowing if I want to be around people or not. I hate wanting the opposite of whichever I choose. I wish I could figure out which makes me happy, and just do it.

Everything's gotten so complicated
Now you're older, now you're jaded
You despise what you used to love
Cursing everything under the sky above
When you think back does it ever make you cry,
Like it does me with the tears all in my eyes?
Crying, driving in my car
Looking back on my life so far

All the things that you believed in
Lies, all lies, they've been deceiving you
Deceiving me, deceiving you

When we were young we were told so many times,
"Prepare for your future because it won't be easy!"
They never did tell us to enjoy life, here it is
Then before you know it life has passed you by

-I wish I still wrote on a regular basis. It used to be that depression was an impetus to write, but now words never seem good enough.

-I was driving home in this depressive state tonight, and I stopped and gave the money I had into my pocket to this guy who was on the corner begging for change. I talked to him for a little while, then got back in my car and started driving again. And I realized I felt a little better... and I still feel a little better. And I'm thinking... maybe we really are all connected on some level. Maybe I feel better for helping this guy because we're all part of the same thing. Maybe that's what life is all about.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can’t breathe
And I hope someone will save me this time
And your mother’s still calling you insane and high
Swearing it’s different this time
And you tell her you give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone
And feel badly for upsetting things
Crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide
And you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying
And sometimes when you’re on
You’re really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to
And you’ll show up for work with a smile
And you’ll be better
And you’ll be smarter
And more grown up
And a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you’ll be awake
You’ll be alert
You’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you’ll be a real good listener
You’ll be honest
You’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful
You’ll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
And your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
And you’ll fight it
You’ll go out fighting all of them