A brain that never stops ticking - sometimes an on/off switch would sure come in handy
I have no idea where this is going to go, but I feel like I need to write. It will most likely be long and rambling, like most of my late-night posts are. I may include bits of things I've written in the past, and will certainly be including lyrics, as always. I'm going to steal the format Tim uses for huge posts in the hopes that it will help me keep everything a bit more organized and concise. Oh, and if you read this, please comment. Even if it just says "I read this".
Goodbye to sleep, I think this staying up is exactly what I need
-I have no idea where I stand on god right now. I haven't believed in the Christian God for about a month now, and have been leaning in that direction for longer. I've been happier than I have been in a while since I made that decision, too. I still have a definite spiritual side, but I have no idea what I think about god, the afterlife, the metaphysical, etc. If I had to label myself, I'd call myself agnostic at the moment. I'm certainly not an atheist - whether it's my upbringing or my nature or something else entirely, I don't know, but I think I'll always be spiritual to some extent. I just don't know where my spirituality lies at the moment.
-I actually started to question my rejection of Christianity tonight for the first time. I drove around alone for a few hours, and I felt really empty. I tried to figure out what life was for, what I should be doing with mine, and I couldn't come up with anything. I knew that I wanted to be around people, but beyond that I couldn't think of anything else. I wondered if maybe God was the answer, but then I remembered that I had felt pretty empty on numerous occasions when I was still a Christian - but then, that may have been when I was following my own path instead of trying to follow God. I don't know.
What's the fucking point at all?
-I am not looking forward to starting school again at all. I'm really afraid it will be a huge waste of time and money. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, so I'll be getting a bullshit degree just to have a degree. I know that having a degree in anything will help me get a job once I graduate, but... I don't know. Of course, I'll have to get off my ass and finish applying before I even need to worry about school. And if I do get into the U for the fall, I don't know if I'll be able to work enough hours to afford to move out. Of course, without a degree, paying bills will be hard... it's all a mess. My future scares the shit out of me sometimes.
-Most of the time I can convince myself that I don't need, or really even want a girlfriend right now. But when I'm completely honest with myself, I am lonely and so sick of it. Then I wonder if a girlfriend will fix everything, and I know it won't. I'm sure I'll be happier, but a girl is not going to solve all my problems. That, and like... I like being able to do what I want to when I want to do it. I'm selfish. I want my time and money to myself. I want to be able to hang out with my friends whenever I feel like it. I want to be able to keep spending money on music. And then I wonder if I met the right girl... would that change everything? Would I be willing to sacrifice time and money for her? For the most part my friends keep me from feeling lonely, but sometimes I get a little lonely even when I'm hanging out with people. I don't know. That's become my mantra as of late.
Lonely feelings make me sad around company
-It's been more than five years now, and I'm still not over her. Part of me hopes she doesn't read this, and part of me hopes she does - and that's the part of me that foolishly hopes she feels the same about me, even though there's no way she does. And yet I continue to hope.
-I don't care how this sounds - I think I'm in love with Regina Spektor. Everytime I hear "That Time", I find myself more and more attracted to her.
I've written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones
-I know I've said this a thousand times before, but Neutral Milk Hotel is the best band ever. I got both of their albums on vinyl a few weeks ago, and have been playing them five or ten times a week since. Something about laying on my bed in the dark with a pair of headphones on and listening to "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" makes me feel like nothing else. I still have no idea what most of the lyrics mean, but there's something there that transcends literal meaning and speaks to the core of my being. I truly believe that there is healing in Jeff Mangum's music.
-I don't know the last time I cried, and that is starting to worry me a little.
When I'm home, I think I'll go eat cereal and stare out the window
-I am completely over her, and I'm not sure if I like her as a person now. I don't know if I was blind to her personality before because I thought she could save me, or if I've somehow forced myself to see her differently now. Is it my fault or hers? Both? Nobody's?
-I want to do something meaningful with my life. Something that matters. I have no idea what that would be, but I want it. I really don't want to be stuck in an office for the rest of my life. I have a feeling that whatever it is, I don't need a college education for it.
My stomach swears there's comfort there, in the warmth of the blankets on your bed. My stomach's always been a liar - I'll believe its lies again
-Sometimes I want nothing more than to get into a fight. I know I would lose, and could definitely get hurt pretty bad, but I want it nonetheless. Am I self-destructive or violent or do I just have too much pent up frustration and nothing to direct it at?
-Sometimes I feel like I'd be all right with dying, and other times it really scares me. Usually when I'm all right with it it's when I think I'll just cease to exist upon death. When it scares me, I usually think I'll live forever in some form.
Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? With nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through. And I will die all alone. And when I arrive, I won't know anyone. Jesus Christ, I'm alone again - so what did you do those three days you were dead; because this problem is gonna last more than the weekend. Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die... but I'm a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot or do I float through the ceiling? Or do I divide and pull apart? Because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark. And this ship went down in sight of land. And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?
-I've wanted to believe in reincarnation since before I knew what reincarnation was. For some reason that idea has always comforted me.
-I read up on Buddhism a little, and while I don't want to become Buddhist there are some principles that make sense to me (as a side note, Buddhism and Christianity share a lot of ideas, which gives me even more to think about regarding religion). There's this one bit about how we all have a good side and an evil side, and rather than denying or fighting the evil side, we should embrace it and try to find a balance between the two. I wonder if I like that because it actually does make sense to me, or it's simply easier than Christianity and appeals more to my selfish nature.
When I arrive will God be waiting and pacing around his throne? Will he feel a little Old Testament? And will he celebrate with fire and brimstone? Yeah, I admit, I am afraid of the reckoning
-I think about this altogether too often... yet every passing thought seems to take me further from an answer.
-I want to get far, far away from here for a while, even if it's only for a day or two. I'm sick of being able to drive for hours and see nothing new. Everyplace I go has memories associated with it and I get tired of dwelling on the past sometimes. I want to get out of here and make new memories.
In an attempt to not lose a prized possession... I lost everything
-I wonder if these low points help me appreciate the high points more when they come. I think sometimes I should be on anti-depressants, especially when my annual period of weird pseudo-cyclothymia (or whatever it is) kicks in during late August and goes until early October or so. But then I wonder if that would ultimately make things better, especially since I'm fine for the rest of the year apart from minor bouts of depression like tonight (which is normal, considering it happens to everyone I know). I've dealt with it this long, and I don't know if getting rid of that relatively brief period of mood cycling would be worth potentially making the good parts of my life less enjoyable, not to mention that it would probably make me complacent with a boring life. I don't even know if any of that made sense.
-Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever.
I used to be such a burning example
I used to be so original
I used to care I was being cared for
And made sure I showed it to those that I love
I used to sleep without a single stir
Cause I was about my father's work
Take me out tonight
This ship of fools I’m on will sink
I’m my own stone around my neck
If you’d be my breath
There is nothing I wouldn't give
I used to pray like God was listening
I used to make my parents proud
I was the glue that kept my friends together
Now they don't talk and we don't go out
I used to know the name of every person I’d kissed
Now I’ve made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it
Goodbye to sleep, I think this staying up is exactly what I need
-I have no idea where I stand on god right now. I haven't believed in the Christian God for about a month now, and have been leaning in that direction for longer. I've been happier than I have been in a while since I made that decision, too. I still have a definite spiritual side, but I have no idea what I think about god, the afterlife, the metaphysical, etc. If I had to label myself, I'd call myself agnostic at the moment. I'm certainly not an atheist - whether it's my upbringing or my nature or something else entirely, I don't know, but I think I'll always be spiritual to some extent. I just don't know where my spirituality lies at the moment.
-I actually started to question my rejection of Christianity tonight for the first time. I drove around alone for a few hours, and I felt really empty. I tried to figure out what life was for, what I should be doing with mine, and I couldn't come up with anything. I knew that I wanted to be around people, but beyond that I couldn't think of anything else. I wondered if maybe God was the answer, but then I remembered that I had felt pretty empty on numerous occasions when I was still a Christian - but then, that may have been when I was following my own path instead of trying to follow God. I don't know.
What's the fucking point at all?
-I am not looking forward to starting school again at all. I'm really afraid it will be a huge waste of time and money. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, so I'll be getting a bullshit degree just to have a degree. I know that having a degree in anything will help me get a job once I graduate, but... I don't know. Of course, I'll have to get off my ass and finish applying before I even need to worry about school. And if I do get into the U for the fall, I don't know if I'll be able to work enough hours to afford to move out. Of course, without a degree, paying bills will be hard... it's all a mess. My future scares the shit out of me sometimes.
-Most of the time I can convince myself that I don't need, or really even want a girlfriend right now. But when I'm completely honest with myself, I am lonely and so sick of it. Then I wonder if a girlfriend will fix everything, and I know it won't. I'm sure I'll be happier, but a girl is not going to solve all my problems. That, and like... I like being able to do what I want to when I want to do it. I'm selfish. I want my time and money to myself. I want to be able to hang out with my friends whenever I feel like it. I want to be able to keep spending money on music. And then I wonder if I met the right girl... would that change everything? Would I be willing to sacrifice time and money for her? For the most part my friends keep me from feeling lonely, but sometimes I get a little lonely even when I'm hanging out with people. I don't know. That's become my mantra as of late.
Lonely feelings make me sad around company
-It's been more than five years now, and I'm still not over her. Part of me hopes she doesn't read this, and part of me hopes she does - and that's the part of me that foolishly hopes she feels the same about me, even though there's no way she does. And yet I continue to hope.
-I don't care how this sounds - I think I'm in love with Regina Spektor. Everytime I hear "That Time", I find myself more and more attracted to her.
I've written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones
-I know I've said this a thousand times before, but Neutral Milk Hotel is the best band ever. I got both of their albums on vinyl a few weeks ago, and have been playing them five or ten times a week since. Something about laying on my bed in the dark with a pair of headphones on and listening to "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" makes me feel like nothing else. I still have no idea what most of the lyrics mean, but there's something there that transcends literal meaning and speaks to the core of my being. I truly believe that there is healing in Jeff Mangum's music.
-I don't know the last time I cried, and that is starting to worry me a little.
When I'm home, I think I'll go eat cereal and stare out the window
-I am completely over her, and I'm not sure if I like her as a person now. I don't know if I was blind to her personality before because I thought she could save me, or if I've somehow forced myself to see her differently now. Is it my fault or hers? Both? Nobody's?
-I want to do something meaningful with my life. Something that matters. I have no idea what that would be, but I want it. I really don't want to be stuck in an office for the rest of my life. I have a feeling that whatever it is, I don't need a college education for it.
My stomach swears there's comfort there, in the warmth of the blankets on your bed. My stomach's always been a liar - I'll believe its lies again
-Sometimes I want nothing more than to get into a fight. I know I would lose, and could definitely get hurt pretty bad, but I want it nonetheless. Am I self-destructive or violent or do I just have too much pent up frustration and nothing to direct it at?
-Sometimes I feel like I'd be all right with dying, and other times it really scares me. Usually when I'm all right with it it's when I think I'll just cease to exist upon death. When it scares me, I usually think I'll live forever in some form.
Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? With nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through. And I will die all alone. And when I arrive, I won't know anyone. Jesus Christ, I'm alone again - so what did you do those three days you were dead; because this problem is gonna last more than the weekend. Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die... but I'm a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot or do I float through the ceiling? Or do I divide and pull apart? Because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark. And this ship went down in sight of land. And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?
-I've wanted to believe in reincarnation since before I knew what reincarnation was. For some reason that idea has always comforted me.
-I read up on Buddhism a little, and while I don't want to become Buddhist there are some principles that make sense to me (as a side note, Buddhism and Christianity share a lot of ideas, which gives me even more to think about regarding religion). There's this one bit about how we all have a good side and an evil side, and rather than denying or fighting the evil side, we should embrace it and try to find a balance between the two. I wonder if I like that because it actually does make sense to me, or it's simply easier than Christianity and appeals more to my selfish nature.
When I arrive will God be waiting and pacing around his throne? Will he feel a little Old Testament? And will he celebrate with fire and brimstone? Yeah, I admit, I am afraid of the reckoning
-I think about this altogether too often... yet every passing thought seems to take me further from an answer.
-I want to get far, far away from here for a while, even if it's only for a day or two. I'm sick of being able to drive for hours and see nothing new. Everyplace I go has memories associated with it and I get tired of dwelling on the past sometimes. I want to get out of here and make new memories.
In an attempt to not lose a prized possession... I lost everything
-I wonder if these low points help me appreciate the high points more when they come. I think sometimes I should be on anti-depressants, especially when my annual period of weird pseudo-cyclothymia (or whatever it is) kicks in during late August and goes until early October or so. But then I wonder if that would ultimately make things better, especially since I'm fine for the rest of the year apart from minor bouts of depression like tonight (which is normal, considering it happens to everyone I know). I've dealt with it this long, and I don't know if getting rid of that relatively brief period of mood cycling would be worth potentially making the good parts of my life less enjoyable, not to mention that it would probably make me complacent with a boring life. I don't even know if any of that made sense.
-Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever.
I used to be such a burning example
I used to be so original
I used to care I was being cared for
And made sure I showed it to those that I love
I used to sleep without a single stir
Cause I was about my father's work
Take me out tonight
This ship of fools I’m on will sink
I’m my own stone around my neck
If you’d be my breath
There is nothing I wouldn't give
I used to pray like God was listening
I used to make my parents proud
I was the glue that kept my friends together
Now they don't talk and we don't go out
I used to know the name of every person I’d kissed
Now I’ve made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it
posted by Ben at 2:52 AM
4 Comments:
i can totally see where you're coming from with the being lonely around people. when i'm around people, i want to be alone. and when i'm by myself, i want to be around people. i think i'd still want a girlfriend though, even if it was a drain on my personal economy. but i don't think it would be a drain. i think i'd rather be poor and her be rich.
i was leaving perkins the other day, and i looked at a booth that was kind of secluded in the back, and i looked at the people in the booth, and i swear on my life that i saw my "her." it shook me so bad, i couldn't talk for the rest of the night. i couldn't focus on writing my paper that was due the next morning. and i think that's when i realized that i probably won't ever be over her, no matter how hard i try.
i size people up all the time. that's just part of being a man. start working out. you'll feel better for it.
i've felt the same way about reincarnation. i didn't know the name of it, but i was certain that that was how things worked.
i don't think i could ever take anti-depressents; at least, i could never take them to try and permanently get rid of feeling depressed. part of me feels whole when i am able to feel that feeling. the happy feelings i have are my anti-depressents. my soul knows that there are plenty more to come, even when my mind thinks that there aren't.
and, i love you.
I want to say something, but I am at loss for words.
I totally feel you with looking for someplace new. Last night was perfect example, we travelled up to the north metro and almost every road had a memory tied to sam or sarah. I think about moving all the time. Wether that is up north again or just to a different state. I love MN but a change of pace would be great.
As for the girlfriend, they are only a drain on your time and money as much as you want/let them. At least in my belief.
I am falling in love with Regina Spektor and that song too...oh regina
i wish NMH did something for me, some day maybe.
Let's start a fight club!!!
Just fix it already.
Yay, Brand New!
...Fix what, Christopher?
More substantial comments later...Or maybe I'll just finally write my own blog entry.
<3
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