But I adore her - this will never happen

Sometimes I want to be able to shut my brain off, to not care about anything, to stop thinking so goddamn much. This might sound arrogant, but it seems that all the people I know who actually use their brains, who think about things that go beyond themselves, are the ones who are depressed the most. I'm sort of stealing this idea from Marc Maron, but maybe depression is a direct result of thinking, of being awake, of being in tune with what's going on in the world. Maybe the people who seem like they're always happy don't have a fucking clue. I've said before that sometimes I think maybe I should be on medication of some kind, but I don't think that's the answer anymore. If the natural response to the way society is set up is to be depressed and pissed off about everything, why should we take medication to get rid of that feeling? Shouldn't the people who don't get angry be the ones on medication? But then, anger doesn't really do a whole lot. It would be productive, except most of the time I have no idea how to run my own life, much less start solving shit in the world. That, and not all of my depression and anger stems from external stuff. A lot of comes from the fact that I get sick of my own life and how it's going, sometimes.

Everybody just get away
I'm gonna boil over inside today
They say things are gonna get better
All I know is they fuckin' better

Depression's got a hold of me
Depression - I gotta break free
Depression's got a hold of me
Depression's gonna kill me

And then there's always the depression and frustration that stems from my complete inability to convince myself that she is not going to save me and make everything better. I know I've been writing about her a lot recently, and that the five of you who actually read this thing are probably sick of hearing about it (and that some of you might not know who she is - if that's the case, just ask me), but I'm fucking sick of it too. I just wish I could get over her. I hate the fact that seeing her ruins my day, and the days (weeks, sometimes) that follow. I hate that I can't listen to half of my favorite music without thinking about her. I hate that I use her as an excuse not to find other girls. Most of all, I hate myself for knowing that I idealize everything about her, that I've put her on this weird pedestal in my head, that I've made her into something she's not, that I continue to knowingly deceive myself by thinking that she can save me and by holding out hope that maybe someday (maybe right now!) she'll feel the same way about me. I continue to believe my own bullshit, and I hate myself for it. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to her.

I've only ever loved myself, but I love myself so well