It's like being tired but you just can't sleep - your bed is obsolete

First post in forever, obviously. Most likely this will be entirely stream-of-consciousness since I'm tired and I start a new job in seven hours, but I'm entirely unable to sleep, which is why I'm writing this in the first place. I'm tired - exhausted, frankly, since I just walked/ran for the last hour (mostly walked) and I'm disgustingly out of shape - but I just can't sleep. I was hoping the walk would get this weirdness out of me, but it didn't really work. If anything, it just got rid of my focus, so now I'm drained and aimless. I think running the small amount that I did just made me feel sick to my stomach (God, I'm lazy), though I'm sure that the slightly warm Sierra Nevada Stout that I just cracked isn't helping things.

Contradiction lies when you look in my eyes and tell me not to rail

The reason I hadn't been posting was because I was... not content with my life, but complacent, I guess. I had a couple horribly depressed periods, but I got through those by writing and then doing a lot of posting on Showbread's forums about it. Besides, the four or five of you who actually read this thing already know about at least one of them anyway, and have most likely helped me through that, whether that means listening to me bitch or simply being there to get drunk with and talk about other things for a while. I wish I could talk about stuff with you guys who read this, but half the time I feel too uncomfortable to bring this stuff up while sober, and generally when we drink my mind is either somewhere else entirely, or I know enough not to bring this stuff up and be a downer - even when that latter situation happens, my mind is usually on something else within a few minutes anyway. It's not even that I would have normally felt comfortable talking about this stuff, because before it usually took a full night's worth of driving before I really started to bring this stuff up, and by that point I was so sleep-deprived/generally out of it that I may as well have been drunk anyway. I don't really know where I was going with any of this. I barely remember where I was going to go when I started writing, but I suppose that was the whole point of starting this post in the first place.

I hear the wind underneath the door
Like I hear the sound of you not loving me anymore
The wind doesn't know
Where it comes from, or
Where it goes

So yeah, I start a new job tomorrow, and I really don't want to start it. My aunt works for an insurance company, and she got me a summer job doing data entry at one of their buildings in St. Paul. I don't want to work there for a few reasons. I've only been laid off for a week and a half, and apart from that, I've been working almost non-stop for the last year and a half. Before that, I was in school and working for another half year, so I essentially haven't really had a break for two years. I know that's probably going to be my life whenever I get around to finishing school, but I could really use another couple weeks off. It's not like my job was that hard or anything, but I love having no responsibilities whatsoever. The last time I had that was when Christopher was out here for a week, and before that, I had three weeks off last May/June, and a good portion of that was spent trying to get a temporary job at my parents' behest. I know I'm just coming off as a whiny, depressed wreck right now, but whatevs. I need to vent at the moment.

So what exactly is it you believe
Or maybe you don't know, or maybe you wear it on your sleeve
I've got to ask myself the same

I also don't want to start this job because I have to dress casual business. I know it's a minor complaint, but the fact is that I feel a consistent, low-level uncomfortableness anytime I'm not in jeans and a t-shirt, and I'm not looking forward to three months of that. I'm also not looking forward to starting work at 8:00 every day, which means I need to get up at 6:30 or so everyday. The last two times I worked day shift at Lifetouch (once for a little over a month last September, and then again two summers ago for about three months), I was tired almost every day, and no matter what I did, I could never fully get my body to commit to working days. Even if I could, I'm far more comfortable working nights, especially during the summer. I was sort of looking forward to this summer being awesome, but if I'm going to be tired all the time... bleh.

And it will always be
Too late or too early
But hey, maybe next fall
Maybe next fall
Maybe next fall

I know I should wait to pass judgment on this job until I've worked there for a while, but I can't help being pessimistic about the whole thing. I think I'm probably a little nervous about starting a real job, especially given that I'm prone to being late a lot of the time, and this job has an extremely low tolerance for lateness. If Lifetouch was as strict as this new place is, I probably would've been fired a good four or five times over the last six months. If it only affected me, that would be one thing, but if I get fired, it reflects on my aunt too, since they hired me after one phone call based almost entirely on her reccomendation. That would even make me feel weird about quitting after the first week if I decide I hate it there, and it would make me feel doubly weird since she bought me almost $100 in new clothes to wear to work, because my idea of "nice shirt" since tenth grade has been whatever the most recent t-shirt I own is.

Encryption ensconses this cryptic cliché
If it's not stupid, it's more of the same
I'm too tired to care, we're too busy too think
So sit back and laugh and watch the ship sink

I wouldn't even take this job if I wasn't so broke. I wanted to live on unemployment until Lifetouch called me back in July, but getting called back ended up not being a for-sure thing, and I wasn't sure how much unemployment would pay (mostly because I was an idiot and didn't apply last week like I should've). But because I'm an idiot and I literally have less than $30 to my name right now, I'm taking the job. I have no idea how I'm going to stretch that until my next paycheck (which will either come two or three weeks from now), so I'm also worried about that, especially since my car insurance payment gets deducted out of my bank account in two weeks. I definitely shouldn't have spent any money after I got laid off, at least until I either got my first paycheck or got on unemployment, but I'm a fucking retard, so here we are. There's a bit more I'm worried about which is loosely related to money, but is really part of a more global problem, but I don't feel like the internet is the place to go into it. If you want to know, ask, and I'll go into it, but here is not the place... nor the time. There's more I could write, and it's a lot of stuff that I've been thinking about since my last post, and it's definitely less whiny and retarded and selfish and hopefully more interesting and globally applicable than what I've written about in this post, but this is the stuff that's really been on my mind recently, and I have to get it out. Buy me a drink or a pack of smokes, and we'll talk about it, but for now I think I should probably try and get four hours of sleep before I have to wake up. And if you made it through all this self-gratifying bullshit, I owe you a drink once I have a steady cashflow again. Seriously, I will buy you a drink if you read this whole thing. And now, it's time for me to post this without re-reading any of this (a decision I will end up regretting at least somewhat, mostly because I posted it in a semi-public place; had I written it in a notebook like I'd been doing since my last post, I would mostly just look back on it and wonder why I was such a whiny bitch, but now it's in a somewhat public forum) and try to get some sleep in.

Well, it's one in the morning and I can't sleep at night-
I hear wolves around the doorstep -
They're circling outside.
I count 'em jumping over fences, and landing on the sheet
Now, it's two in the morning and I can't fall asleep.

It's two in the morning and I can't fall asleep-
There's a wind in the willows
And it's a howling down the street
I hear it picking up the garbage, gon' fly it to the moon
Now it's three in the morning better get some sleeping soon.

It's three in the morning better get some sleeping soon-
I'm gonna count the numbers in the counselor's room
And if I miss a beat, well, then it's off with my head
Now it's four in the morning and I'm twisting in my bed.

It's four in the morning and I'm turning in my bed-
I wish I had a dream or a nightmare in my head,
So I drop my imagination and get some sleeping done
Now it's five in the morning and I'm wishing it was one.

As a random note, while I was writing this post, I found out M. Ward covered this song by The Who, a song I loved when I first heard Audio Adrenaline cover it. They totally ruined me, because I don't think the original version even holds a candle to AudioA's version, but whatevs. M. Ward slaughters this track as well.

http://www.achtungbaby.org/09/03/Let-My-Love-Open-The-Door.mp3

And I was so drunk my heart floated like a feather in the breeze
I got so high off all the blinking lights, the colors painted in the night
Midsummer classic, blue and gold, our city casts its shadow
The kettle boiled, heads for a roll, sundowning's never getting old
And underneath this crooked moon, I could smell the night begin to bloom
The northern wind will change again, and my geography will bend
Back and forth across the map until I reach the end
Back and forth across the map until I reach the end
And it'll take some time
Yeah, it'll take some time
But the dawn will come
Yeah, the tide will rise, yeah