My brain's the burger and my heart's the coal...The years go fast and the days go so slow
I just smoked some salvia and because there is no one around to converse with (and I don't feel like discussing stuff over IM or the phone), I've decided to write a blog post to try and get some of my thoughts out and organized before this wears off. So enjoy this look into what goes on in my head while I'm thinking in a different way.
First, I would like to say that I mostly hate drug terminology. I didn't know how to write the first sentence of this post. I didn't want to say "smoked" but it was the best thing I could come up with - definitely better than "did" or "used". All the terminology seems to have negative connotations associated with it (in my mind, anyway), at least when it comes to salvia. I view salvia differently than tobacco or alcohol or pot or caffeine or anything. I use that stuff simply for the buzz and nothing more, so I don't mind using cruder words for it. But salvia seems different, more important or more... spiritual or something, I don't know. It makes me think differently, puts my mind in a introspective, contemplative place, and I sort of feel weird about using the same words for it that I use for any drug I ingest simply to get a buzz.
Now on to stuff I actually wanted to write about. I was sitting outside afterwards looking up at the stars, and just thinking about how small our planet is and especially how small I am. The universe is so huge. I think it really clicked for me for the first time just how far away all those other stars and planets are. But rather than get freaked out by it, I just saw it as beautiful for some reason. It made me think about my life and how many things seem important to me that really aren't important at all. I'm thinking again about how meaningless most things really are, but rather than wondering "what's the point?" like I usually do, I'm okay with it. I'm content and at peace with everything being meaningless and just living my life to live it. Like I wrote a few months ago, when I was depressed and gave the guy begging for change some money and felt happier... I think that's what I need to be doing. Just living my life and helping people out, trying to make other peoples' lives better. I think that's my purpose in life. Or, if you're going by existential philosophy, that's the purpose I choose for my life. At this point, though, it's hard not to think that everything is all inter-connected and so everyone's purpose in life is to help each other out and make everyone's life the best we possibly can. I don't know. I'm seriously considering vegetarianism/veganism right now because I think that charity or whatever you want to call it extends past humans and on to animals. But again, I don't know. I'm sure that will be gone tomorrow, and even now I'm thinking about how I'd really like a tray of nigiri-zushi.
I was also thinking about how I think maybe humanity needs to get back to a primitive state. Just abandon almost all of our technology and live off the land. That got me thinking to how we'd probably lose all of our written history, and because of that would probably end up re-inventing everything at some point in the distant future. It also got me thinking about how religions would probably get re-invented as a way to explain how we got here, what the stars are, etc., and that really made it clear to me that religion is definitely a man-made thing. Now I'm thinking that because technology is inevitable, maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. I don't know. Stuff's weird.
I guess I'm sort of out of stuff to write at the moment. Maybe I'll come back and write a bunch more stuff in 15 minutes, but maybe not. I'll leave you with my explanation of how my trip went tonight, and how it's gone in the past, as conveyed via IM to a friend as I was writing this. A few things you should know, I guess: the third time I smoked salvia (tonight was the fifth) I for some reason thought I was at Disneyland and felt as though I was on a ride. That feeling persisted a little last time, and definitely tonight. I have no idea why I go there right away, apart from the fact that everything starts to spin like I'm on a crazy rollercoaster or something. The other thing is the 20x reference towards the end of my explanation - I buy salvia leaves that have been soaked in an extract of salvinorin A (the psychoactive chemical in the leaves) that is 20 times more powerful than naturally occurring salvinorin. And now, on with the copy+paste of the explanation:
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: every time everything starts to spin for me
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: and it's like... it's like everything gets obliterated
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: myself, other people, the world, everything
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: for a few seconds
[00:45] SnareRushJunkie: and it's like i almost black out because everything is just gone, except i'm still aware of... existence... like, sort of my existence, except it's not me. i'm just aware of existence of some kind.
[00:45] SnareRushJunkie: and i slowly start to come back in, and everything's still spinning, and i can see what's immediately in my field of vision, and so that becomes real to me
[00:46] SnareRushJunkie: and then i can abstractly understand that, yes, i do exist and so do some other people... like, i understand that there are other people in the world that i care about, and so they exist too
[00:47] SnareRushJunkie: and then i become aware of more of my surroundings, and i can start to see that the physical area that exists around me has grown somewhat, and so it's like... now my back yard exists
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: and that eventually expands and the whole world exists again
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: but i still feel very... either out of place or totally in place, depending on how you think about it
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: the whole world exists, but i'm just a part of it, i guess
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: i'm individual, but only in the way a tree is individual
[00:49] SnareRushJunkie: and everything slows down a little throughout this
[00:49] SnareRushJunkie: and then i'm mostly back to normal, apart from the introspection
[00:50] SnareRushJunkie: and this all takes... i don't know, i would guess maybe two minutes, but it's so hard to judge because time has been obliterated too
[00:50] SnareRushJunkie: i freaked out a little bit tonight, and when i first started to come back i felt like i was just going to be sitting back there until someone found me in the morning and... i don't know, talked to me or something, and then my head would clear
[00:51] SnareRushJunkie: i had to talk myself back into existence, both physical and temporal
[00:52] SnareRushJunkie: i had to tell myself where i was and what was around me, and then sort of re-explain time to myself, that today was sunday (i fumbled a couple times and told myself it was monday and saturday) and that i had work tomorrow and whatever... sort of had to re-schedule time in my head
[00:53] SnareRushJunkie: now i'm doing great, but it was rough for a couple minutes there
[00:53] SnareRushJunkie: so i've concluded 20x is not good to do alone
[00:54] SnareRushJunkie: i'm still amazed how quickly that stuff jumps on you
[00:55] SnareRushJunkie: i hadn't finished exhaling before i was gone
[00:55] SnareRushJunkie: oh, and i did feel like i was at disneyland again. it's so weird.
[00:55] SnareRushJunkie: when i was talking myself down, i told myself i just had to sit there and wait for the ride to end and then i could get off and it would all be okay
Well, all's not well
But I'm told that it'll all be quite nice
You'll be drowned in boots like Mafia
But your feet will still float like Christ's
And I'll be damned
They were right
I'm drowning upside down
My feet afloat like Christ's
I'm in heaven
Trying to figure out which stack
They're going to stuff us atheists into
When Peter and his monkey laugh
And I laugh with them
I'm not sure what at
They point and say
"We'll keep you in the back
Polishing halos, baking manna and gas"
Well, some guy comes in looking a bit
Like everyone I ever seen
He moves just like Crisco disco
Breath 100% Listerine
He says looking at something else
But directing everything to me
"Every time anyone gets on their knees to pray
Well, it makes my telephone ring
And I'll be damned"
He said, "You were right
No one's running this whole thing"
He had a theory, too
He said that God takes care of himself
God takes care of himself
And you of you
He said that God takes care of himself
God takes care of himself
And you of you
He said that God takes care of himself
God takes care of himself
And you of you
It's all nice on ice, all right
And it's not day
And it's not night
But it's all nice on ice, all right
First, I would like to say that I mostly hate drug terminology. I didn't know how to write the first sentence of this post. I didn't want to say "smoked" but it was the best thing I could come up with - definitely better than "did" or "used". All the terminology seems to have negative connotations associated with it (in my mind, anyway), at least when it comes to salvia. I view salvia differently than tobacco or alcohol or pot or caffeine or anything. I use that stuff simply for the buzz and nothing more, so I don't mind using cruder words for it. But salvia seems different, more important or more... spiritual or something, I don't know. It makes me think differently, puts my mind in a introspective, contemplative place, and I sort of feel weird about using the same words for it that I use for any drug I ingest simply to get a buzz.
Now on to stuff I actually wanted to write about. I was sitting outside afterwards looking up at the stars, and just thinking about how small our planet is and especially how small I am. The universe is so huge. I think it really clicked for me for the first time just how far away all those other stars and planets are. But rather than get freaked out by it, I just saw it as beautiful for some reason. It made me think about my life and how many things seem important to me that really aren't important at all. I'm thinking again about how meaningless most things really are, but rather than wondering "what's the point?" like I usually do, I'm okay with it. I'm content and at peace with everything being meaningless and just living my life to live it. Like I wrote a few months ago, when I was depressed and gave the guy begging for change some money and felt happier... I think that's what I need to be doing. Just living my life and helping people out, trying to make other peoples' lives better. I think that's my purpose in life. Or, if you're going by existential philosophy, that's the purpose I choose for my life. At this point, though, it's hard not to think that everything is all inter-connected and so everyone's purpose in life is to help each other out and make everyone's life the best we possibly can. I don't know. I'm seriously considering vegetarianism/veganism right now because I think that charity or whatever you want to call it extends past humans and on to animals. But again, I don't know. I'm sure that will be gone tomorrow, and even now I'm thinking about how I'd really like a tray of nigiri-zushi.
I was also thinking about how I think maybe humanity needs to get back to a primitive state. Just abandon almost all of our technology and live off the land. That got me thinking to how we'd probably lose all of our written history, and because of that would probably end up re-inventing everything at some point in the distant future. It also got me thinking about how religions would probably get re-invented as a way to explain how we got here, what the stars are, etc., and that really made it clear to me that religion is definitely a man-made thing. Now I'm thinking that because technology is inevitable, maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. I don't know. Stuff's weird.
I guess I'm sort of out of stuff to write at the moment. Maybe I'll come back and write a bunch more stuff in 15 minutes, but maybe not. I'll leave you with my explanation of how my trip went tonight, and how it's gone in the past, as conveyed via IM to a friend as I was writing this. A few things you should know, I guess: the third time I smoked salvia (tonight was the fifth) I for some reason thought I was at Disneyland and felt as though I was on a ride. That feeling persisted a little last time, and definitely tonight. I have no idea why I go there right away, apart from the fact that everything starts to spin like I'm on a crazy rollercoaster or something. The other thing is the 20x reference towards the end of my explanation - I buy salvia leaves that have been soaked in an extract of salvinorin A (the psychoactive chemical in the leaves) that is 20 times more powerful than naturally occurring salvinorin. And now, on with the copy+paste of the explanation:
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: every time everything starts to spin for me
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: and it's like... it's like everything gets obliterated
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: myself, other people, the world, everything
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: for a few seconds
[00:45] SnareRushJunkie: and it's like i almost black out because everything is just gone, except i'm still aware of... existence... like, sort of my existence, except it's not me. i'm just aware of existence of some kind.
[00:45] SnareRushJunkie: and i slowly start to come back in, and everything's still spinning, and i can see what's immediately in my field of vision, and so that becomes real to me
[00:46] SnareRushJunkie: and then i can abstractly understand that, yes, i do exist and so do some other people... like, i understand that there are other people in the world that i care about, and so they exist too
[00:47] SnareRushJunkie: and then i become aware of more of my surroundings, and i can start to see that the physical area that exists around me has grown somewhat, and so it's like... now my back yard exists
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: and that eventually expands and the whole world exists again
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: but i still feel very... either out of place or totally in place, depending on how you think about it
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: the whole world exists, but i'm just a part of it, i guess
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: i'm individual, but only in the way a tree is individual
[00:49] SnareRushJunkie: and everything slows down a little throughout this
[00:49] SnareRushJunkie: and then i'm mostly back to normal, apart from the introspection
[00:50] SnareRushJunkie: and this all takes... i don't know, i would guess maybe two minutes, but it's so hard to judge because time has been obliterated too
[00:50] SnareRushJunkie: i freaked out a little bit tonight, and when i first started to come back i felt like i was just going to be sitting back there until someone found me in the morning and... i don't know, talked to me or something, and then my head would clear
[00:51] SnareRushJunkie: i had to talk myself back into existence, both physical and temporal
[00:52] SnareRushJunkie: i had to tell myself where i was and what was around me, and then sort of re-explain time to myself, that today was sunday (i fumbled a couple times and told myself it was monday and saturday) and that i had work tomorrow and whatever... sort of had to re-schedule time in my head
[00:53] SnareRushJunkie: now i'm doing great, but it was rough for a couple minutes there
[00:53] SnareRushJunkie: so i've concluded 20x is not good to do alone
[00:54] SnareRushJunkie: i'm still amazed how quickly that stuff jumps on you
[00:55] SnareRushJunkie: i hadn't finished exhaling before i was gone
[00:55] SnareRushJunkie: oh, and i did feel like i was at disneyland again. it's so weird.
[00:55] SnareRushJunkie: when i was talking myself down, i told myself i just had to sit there and wait for the ride to end and then i could get off and it would all be okay
Well, all's not well
But I'm told that it'll all be quite nice
You'll be drowned in boots like Mafia
But your feet will still float like Christ's
And I'll be damned
They were right
I'm drowning upside down
My feet afloat like Christ's
I'm in heaven
Trying to figure out which stack
They're going to stuff us atheists into
When Peter and his monkey laugh
And I laugh with them
I'm not sure what at
They point and say
"We'll keep you in the back
Polishing halos, baking manna and gas"
Well, some guy comes in looking a bit
Like everyone I ever seen
He moves just like Crisco disco
Breath 100% Listerine
He says looking at something else
But directing everything to me
"Every time anyone gets on their knees to pray
Well, it makes my telephone ring
And I'll be damned"
He said, "You were right
No one's running this whole thing"
He had a theory, too
He said that God takes care of himself
God takes care of himself
And you of you
He said that God takes care of himself
God takes care of himself
And you of you
He said that God takes care of himself
God takes care of himself
And you of you
It's all nice on ice, all right
And it's not day
And it's not night
But it's all nice on ice, all right
posted by Ben at 12:24 AM
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