New Blog-type Thing

Because I never update here anymore, I thought I'd put a link to the Tumblr I started:

http://benschultz.tumblr.com

Enjoy, and all that.

It's like being tired but you just can't sleep - your bed is obsolete

First post in forever, obviously. Most likely this will be entirely stream-of-consciousness since I'm tired and I start a new job in seven hours, but I'm entirely unable to sleep, which is why I'm writing this in the first place. I'm tired - exhausted, frankly, since I just walked/ran for the last hour (mostly walked) and I'm disgustingly out of shape - but I just can't sleep. I was hoping the walk would get this weirdness out of me, but it didn't really work. If anything, it just got rid of my focus, so now I'm drained and aimless. I think running the small amount that I did just made me feel sick to my stomach (God, I'm lazy), though I'm sure that the slightly warm Sierra Nevada Stout that I just cracked isn't helping things.

Contradiction lies when you look in my eyes and tell me not to rail

The reason I hadn't been posting was because I was... not content with my life, but complacent, I guess. I had a couple horribly depressed periods, but I got through those by writing and then doing a lot of posting on Showbread's forums about it. Besides, the four or five of you who actually read this thing already know about at least one of them anyway, and have most likely helped me through that, whether that means listening to me bitch or simply being there to get drunk with and talk about other things for a while. I wish I could talk about stuff with you guys who read this, but half the time I feel too uncomfortable to bring this stuff up while sober, and generally when we drink my mind is either somewhere else entirely, or I know enough not to bring this stuff up and be a downer - even when that latter situation happens, my mind is usually on something else within a few minutes anyway. It's not even that I would have normally felt comfortable talking about this stuff, because before it usually took a full night's worth of driving before I really started to bring this stuff up, and by that point I was so sleep-deprived/generally out of it that I may as well have been drunk anyway. I don't really know where I was going with any of this. I barely remember where I was going to go when I started writing, but I suppose that was the whole point of starting this post in the first place.

I hear the wind underneath the door
Like I hear the sound of you not loving me anymore
The wind doesn't know
Where it comes from, or
Where it goes

So yeah, I start a new job tomorrow, and I really don't want to start it. My aunt works for an insurance company, and she got me a summer job doing data entry at one of their buildings in St. Paul. I don't want to work there for a few reasons. I've only been laid off for a week and a half, and apart from that, I've been working almost non-stop for the last year and a half. Before that, I was in school and working for another half year, so I essentially haven't really had a break for two years. I know that's probably going to be my life whenever I get around to finishing school, but I could really use another couple weeks off. It's not like my job was that hard or anything, but I love having no responsibilities whatsoever. The last time I had that was when Christopher was out here for a week, and before that, I had three weeks off last May/June, and a good portion of that was spent trying to get a temporary job at my parents' behest. I know I'm just coming off as a whiny, depressed wreck right now, but whatevs. I need to vent at the moment.

So what exactly is it you believe
Or maybe you don't know, or maybe you wear it on your sleeve
I've got to ask myself the same

I also don't want to start this job because I have to dress casual business. I know it's a minor complaint, but the fact is that I feel a consistent, low-level uncomfortableness anytime I'm not in jeans and a t-shirt, and I'm not looking forward to three months of that. I'm also not looking forward to starting work at 8:00 every day, which means I need to get up at 6:30 or so everyday. The last two times I worked day shift at Lifetouch (once for a little over a month last September, and then again two summers ago for about three months), I was tired almost every day, and no matter what I did, I could never fully get my body to commit to working days. Even if I could, I'm far more comfortable working nights, especially during the summer. I was sort of looking forward to this summer being awesome, but if I'm going to be tired all the time... bleh.

And it will always be
Too late or too early
But hey, maybe next fall
Maybe next fall
Maybe next fall

I know I should wait to pass judgment on this job until I've worked there for a while, but I can't help being pessimistic about the whole thing. I think I'm probably a little nervous about starting a real job, especially given that I'm prone to being late a lot of the time, and this job has an extremely low tolerance for lateness. If Lifetouch was as strict as this new place is, I probably would've been fired a good four or five times over the last six months. If it only affected me, that would be one thing, but if I get fired, it reflects on my aunt too, since they hired me after one phone call based almost entirely on her reccomendation. That would even make me feel weird about quitting after the first week if I decide I hate it there, and it would make me feel doubly weird since she bought me almost $100 in new clothes to wear to work, because my idea of "nice shirt" since tenth grade has been whatever the most recent t-shirt I own is.

Encryption ensconses this cryptic cliché
If it's not stupid, it's more of the same
I'm too tired to care, we're too busy too think
So sit back and laugh and watch the ship sink

I wouldn't even take this job if I wasn't so broke. I wanted to live on unemployment until Lifetouch called me back in July, but getting called back ended up not being a for-sure thing, and I wasn't sure how much unemployment would pay (mostly because I was an idiot and didn't apply last week like I should've). But because I'm an idiot and I literally have less than $30 to my name right now, I'm taking the job. I have no idea how I'm going to stretch that until my next paycheck (which will either come two or three weeks from now), so I'm also worried about that, especially since my car insurance payment gets deducted out of my bank account in two weeks. I definitely shouldn't have spent any money after I got laid off, at least until I either got my first paycheck or got on unemployment, but I'm a fucking retard, so here we are. There's a bit more I'm worried about which is loosely related to money, but is really part of a more global problem, but I don't feel like the internet is the place to go into it. If you want to know, ask, and I'll go into it, but here is not the place... nor the time. There's more I could write, and it's a lot of stuff that I've been thinking about since my last post, and it's definitely less whiny and retarded and selfish and hopefully more interesting and globally applicable than what I've written about in this post, but this is the stuff that's really been on my mind recently, and I have to get it out. Buy me a drink or a pack of smokes, and we'll talk about it, but for now I think I should probably try and get four hours of sleep before I have to wake up. And if you made it through all this self-gratifying bullshit, I owe you a drink once I have a steady cashflow again. Seriously, I will buy you a drink if you read this whole thing. And now, it's time for me to post this without re-reading any of this (a decision I will end up regretting at least somewhat, mostly because I posted it in a semi-public place; had I written it in a notebook like I'd been doing since my last post, I would mostly just look back on it and wonder why I was such a whiny bitch, but now it's in a somewhat public forum) and try to get some sleep in.

Well, it's one in the morning and I can't sleep at night-
I hear wolves around the doorstep -
They're circling outside.
I count 'em jumping over fences, and landing on the sheet
Now, it's two in the morning and I can't fall asleep.

It's two in the morning and I can't fall asleep-
There's a wind in the willows
And it's a howling down the street
I hear it picking up the garbage, gon' fly it to the moon
Now it's three in the morning better get some sleeping soon.

It's three in the morning better get some sleeping soon-
I'm gonna count the numbers in the counselor's room
And if I miss a beat, well, then it's off with my head
Now it's four in the morning and I'm twisting in my bed.

It's four in the morning and I'm turning in my bed-
I wish I had a dream or a nightmare in my head,
So I drop my imagination and get some sleeping done
Now it's five in the morning and I'm wishing it was one.

As a random note, while I was writing this post, I found out M. Ward covered this song by The Who, a song I loved when I first heard Audio Adrenaline cover it. They totally ruined me, because I don't think the original version even holds a candle to AudioA's version, but whatevs. M. Ward slaughters this track as well.

http://www.achtungbaby.org/09/03/Let-My-Love-Open-The-Door.mp3

And I was so drunk my heart floated like a feather in the breeze
I got so high off all the blinking lights, the colors painted in the night
Midsummer classic, blue and gold, our city casts its shadow
The kettle boiled, heads for a roll, sundowning's never getting old
And underneath this crooked moon, I could smell the night begin to bloom
The northern wind will change again, and my geography will bend
Back and forth across the map until I reach the end
Back and forth across the map until I reach the end
And it'll take some time
Yeah, it'll take some time
But the dawn will come
Yeah, the tide will rise, yeah

Smells like autumn, smells like leaves...

Yup. I do.

It's 46 degrees outside right now, my window is open, and I couldn't be happier.

Possible massive post coming soon. But maybe not. To sum up my upcoming post: I believe in God.

Summer was gone and the heat died down
And Autumn reached for her golden crown
I looked behind as I heard a sigh
But this was the time of no reply.

Red, Purple, Pink/It's Okay To Be Alone

We've been waiting for a miracle
Hanging out in the lion's den
Fighting giants with skipping stones
And I have never felt more alone

We've been waiting for a miracle
Forty days and forty nights
Wishing water would turn into wine
Wishing more than anything that she was mine

I'm sleeping in the belly of a whale
And I'm dreaming in the belly of a whale

We've been waiting for a miracle
Treading water just to see if it will hold
Burning bushes and speechless men
Making the same mistakes again

We've been waiting for a miracle
A dozen drinks in the lion's den
Loose women and wishing wells
If I'm alive I can't even tell

I'm sleeping in the belly of a whale
And I'm dreaming in the belly of a whale

And then I opened up my eyes
To see it there
Just sitting across from me
With bright shining eyes
And just a couple of words
About her family
Yeah, ten brothers and sisters
And it brought me back to life
And just like Lazarus of old
There in the car parked moonlight
It never looked so beautiful
It never looked so beautiful

So come out Lazarus
And come out Lazarus
Yeah, so come out Lazarus

It gives me hope for this world
She gives me hope for this world
That there's still someone who feels
That there's still someone who's real
And there's still so much beauty left to find

Yeah, so come out Lazarus
Oh, and come out Lazarus
Yeah, so come out Lazarus

---------------------------------------------------------------

Pick your face up off the ground
There's no reason to feel so down - tonight
And put your heart back in your chest
Close your eyes and try to get some rest - tonight

It's okay to be alone
It's okay to be alone
It's okay to be alone
Yeah, you're okay
Yeah, you're okay

Dry your beat up eyes
You've cried enough for the both of us - tonight
And kill your sad, sad songs
They only bring you down
They only bring you down
They only bring you back to me

It's okay to be alone
Yeah, it's okay to be alone
You don't need a hand to hold you up
Yeah, you're okay
Yeah, you're okay

'Cause you would hate these cigarettes
And you would hate these cigarettes
Burning down my nose
Yeah, and burning down my throat

Yeah, it's okay to be alone
Yeah, it's okay to be alone
Yeah, it's okay to be alone
Yeah, it's okay to be alone

My brain's the burger and my heart's the coal...The years go fast and the days go so slow

I just smoked some salvia and because there is no one around to converse with (and I don't feel like discussing stuff over IM or the phone), I've decided to write a blog post to try and get some of my thoughts out and organized before this wears off. So enjoy this look into what goes on in my head while I'm thinking in a different way.

First, I would like to say that I mostly hate drug terminology. I didn't know how to write the first sentence of this post. I didn't want to say "smoked" but it was the best thing I could come up with - definitely better than "did" or "used". All the terminology seems to have negative connotations associated with it (in my mind, anyway), at least when it comes to salvia. I view salvia differently than tobacco or alcohol or pot or caffeine or anything. I use that stuff simply for the buzz and nothing more, so I don't mind using cruder words for it. But salvia seems different, more important or more... spiritual or something, I don't know. It makes me think differently, puts my mind in a introspective, contemplative place, and I sort of feel weird about using the same words for it that I use for any drug I ingest simply to get a buzz.

Now on to stuff I actually wanted to write about. I was sitting outside afterwards looking up at the stars, and just thinking about how small our planet is and especially how small I am. The universe is so huge. I think it really clicked for me for the first time just how far away all those other stars and planets are. But rather than get freaked out by it, I just saw it as beautiful for some reason. It made me think about my life and how many things seem important to me that really aren't important at all. I'm thinking again about how meaningless most things really are, but rather than wondering "what's the point?" like I usually do, I'm okay with it. I'm content and at peace with everything being meaningless and just living my life to live it. Like I wrote a few months ago, when I was depressed and gave the guy begging for change some money and felt happier... I think that's what I need to be doing. Just living my life and helping people out, trying to make other peoples' lives better. I think that's my purpose in life. Or, if you're going by existential philosophy, that's the purpose I choose for my life. At this point, though, it's hard not to think that everything is all inter-connected and so everyone's purpose in life is to help each other out and make everyone's life the best we possibly can. I don't know. I'm seriously considering vegetarianism/veganism right now because I think that charity or whatever you want to call it extends past humans and on to animals. But again, I don't know. I'm sure that will be gone tomorrow, and even now I'm thinking about how I'd really like a tray of nigiri-zushi.

I was also thinking about how I think maybe humanity needs to get back to a primitive state. Just abandon almost all of our technology and live off the land. That got me thinking to how we'd probably lose all of our written history, and because of that would probably end up re-inventing everything at some point in the distant future. It also got me thinking about how religions would probably get re-invented as a way to explain how we got here, what the stars are, etc., and that really made it clear to me that religion is definitely a man-made thing. Now I'm thinking that because technology is inevitable, maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. I don't know. Stuff's weird.

I guess I'm sort of out of stuff to write at the moment. Maybe I'll come back and write a bunch more stuff in 15 minutes, but maybe not. I'll leave you with my explanation of how my trip went tonight, and how it's gone in the past, as conveyed via IM to a friend as I was writing this. A few things you should know, I guess: the third time I smoked salvia (tonight was the fifth) I for some reason thought I was at Disneyland and felt as though I was on a ride. That feeling persisted a little last time, and definitely tonight. I have no idea why I go there right away, apart from the fact that everything starts to spin like I'm on a crazy rollercoaster or something. The other thing is the 20x reference towards the end of my explanation - I buy salvia leaves that have been soaked in an extract of salvinorin A (the psychoactive chemical in the leaves) that is 20 times more powerful than naturally occurring salvinorin. And now, on with the copy+paste of the explanation:

[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: every time everything starts to spin for me
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: and it's like... it's like everything gets obliterated
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: myself, other people, the world, everything
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: for a few seconds
[00:45] SnareRushJunkie: and it's like i almost black out because everything is just gone, except i'm still aware of... existence... like, sort of my existence, except it's not me. i'm just aware of existence of some kind.
[00:45] SnareRushJunkie: and i slowly start to come back in, and everything's still spinning, and i can see what's immediately in my field of vision, and so that becomes real to me
[00:46] SnareRushJunkie: and then i can abstractly understand that, yes, i do exist and so do some other people... like, i understand that there are other people in the world that i care about, and so they exist too
[00:47] SnareRushJunkie: and then i become aware of more of my surroundings, and i can start to see that the physical area that exists around me has grown somewhat, and so it's like... now my back yard exists
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: and that eventually expands and the whole world exists again
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: but i still feel very... either out of place or totally in place, depending on how you think about it
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: the whole world exists, but i'm just a part of it, i guess
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: i'm individual, but only in the way a tree is individual
[00:49] SnareRushJunkie: and everything slows down a little throughout this
[00:49] SnareRushJunkie: and then i'm mostly back to normal, apart from the introspection
[00:50] SnareRushJunkie: and this all takes... i don't know, i would guess maybe two minutes, but it's so hard to judge because time has been obliterated too
[00:50] SnareRushJunkie: i freaked out a little bit tonight, and when i first started to come back i felt like i was just going to be sitting back there until someone found me in the morning and... i don't know, talked to me or something, and then my head would clear
[00:51] SnareRushJunkie: i had to talk myself back into existence, both physical and temporal
[00:52] SnareRushJunkie: i had to tell myself where i was and what was around me, and then sort of re-explain time to myself, that today was sunday (i fumbled a couple times and told myself it was monday and saturday) and that i had work tomorrow and whatever... sort of had to re-schedule time in my head
[00:53] SnareRushJunkie: now i'm doing great, but it was rough for a couple minutes there
[00:53] SnareRushJunkie: so i've concluded 20x is not good to do alone
[00:54] SnareRushJunkie: i'm still amazed how quickly that stuff jumps on you
[00:55] SnareRushJunkie: i hadn't finished exhaling before i was gone
[00:55] SnareRushJunkie: oh, and i did feel like i was at disneyland again. it's so weird.
[00:55] SnareRushJunkie: when i was talking myself down, i told myself i just had to sit there and wait for the ride to end and then i could get off and it would all be okay

Well, all's not well
But I'm told that it'll all be quite nice
You'll be drowned in boots like Mafia
But your feet will still float like Christ's
And I'll be damned
They were right
I'm drowning upside down
My feet afloat like Christ's
I'm in heaven
Trying to figure out which stack
They're going to stuff us atheists into
When Peter and his monkey laugh
And I laugh with them
I'm not sure what at
They point and say
"We'll keep you in the back
Polishing halos, baking manna and gas"
Well, some guy comes in looking a bit
Like everyone I ever seen
He moves just like Crisco disco
Breath 100% Listerine
He says looking at something else
But directing everything to me
"Every time anyone gets on their knees to pray
Well, it makes my telephone ring
And I'll be damned"
He said, "You were right
No one's running this whole thing"
He had a theory, too
He said that God takes care of himself
God takes care of himself
And you of you
He said that God takes care of himself
God takes care of himself
And you of you
He said that God takes care of himself
God takes care of himself
And you of you
It's all nice on ice, all right
And it's not day
And it's not night
But it's all nice on ice, all right

I hate myself and I want to die

So much for being happy.

So much for being over her. I think maybe I'm working towards that point, but maybe I'm not. Who knows.

I am so goddamn worried that she might become my new savior. I really hope she doesn't. That would just fuck everything up. And yet part of me thinks I would fuck it all up if I could get what I wanted. I hate myself so much. And I mean that. I hate myself.

I want so badly to believe in God right now, to know that there is someone who is always there for me, who will love me unconditionally, who will give me a reason to keep going. Maybe I can't believe because I don't think I deserve that.

I should sleep. I'm tired. Really tired. But I'm so afraid I'll just lay there, feeling absolutely wrecked but being unable to fall asleep.

I sort of hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

I need to see someone about all of this, but I'm really scared and I'm not entirely sure why.

God take me because I hate me.

And it will take some time, but the dawn will come and the tide will rise

I am happy tonight for the first time in... I don't know when. Like, genuinely happy. Not content or in a good mood, but actually happy.

I don't want to speak too soon, but I think I may finally be getting over her. We'll see.

I don't really know what else to write. I've been thinking a lot, and I had one of the most beautiful experiences of my entire life on Saturday night, but those are things I'd much rather discuss in person. So if you see me and you want to know what's up, just ask me. I want to talk about it, not write about it.

Oh, and it's amazing what a change of perspective can do for how I interpret lyrics.

Tonight I know she'll never set me free

I feel nothing
I want nothing
I am nothing