Slow motion, see me let go
I started writing a post last night, when for no reason at all my Internet crapped out and refused to work. I will post what I had written, and then probably write something entirely different and unrelated. I just didn't want a good paragraph go to waste. The stuff in between the next two lyric quotes will be what I wrote last night.
Now my nights consist of two toothpicks and eyelids, a crucifix and vitamins, music that is pirated, new flavored food made of mutated hybrids
~"Slow Down Gandhi" by Sage Francis
I will kick this off by letting you know that my face hurts, which I think has something to do with the fact that I've been sick since Saturday night. It might also have something to do with me sleeping 17 out of the last 24 hours. These past few days have been kind of weird. The majority of the time, I feel like I'm in some state between being awake and dreaming, which I'm sure is due to some combination of me being sick, taking NyQuil and like two different sinus pills, running on caffeine, and subsequently having the caffeine wear off. This time of year always puts me in a weird state of mind, even more so now, I think, because I'll be done with high school in about two and a half weeks, and I just have a feeling I'll end up screwing myself over with college somehow. I'll also get really depressed, and then the next minute will be absolutely ecstatic, both for really no reason. I spend a lot of time aimlessly driving around, between like 11 PM and 1 or 2 AM, usually while listening to one of my depressing mixtapes.
After years with their crown on my head,
I’ve grown overfed, unconcerned and comfortably numb
Kept busy indulging in the pleasures of the wealthy.
(Oh, someone make me afraid of what I’ve become!)
At the first sign of possible sorrow I’ll turn my heel and run.
(Oh, I’ll never learn!)
My life's a cup of sugar I borrowed before time began and forgot to return.
~"January 1979" by mewithoutYou
So anyway, that was that. Yes, this time of year does crazy things to me. I think way too much about stupid crap. Mostly emo stuff, death and whatnot. I almost thought, "Man, I need a girlfriend" but managed to catch it before it was too late. But seriously, sometimes I think a girlfriend would be a pretty sweet deal. I hung out with Molly last weekend, but nothing's going to come of that for a while, since she has that boyfriend she doesn't even like but won't break up with. Bah. Retarted.
i need the kind of girl that knows a girl that
likes to wear my clothes somone who always
buys me coke someone who laughs at all my
jokes that's the girl that i want to see fall in love
with me that's the girl that i long to know oh
how i love her so i'm looking for a girl who
writes me songs and talks to Jesus all day long
and the way she does her hair no one else
can compare i'll probably meet her at a show
when i look at her i'll know that she's the
perfect one for me and with her i will always
be the one for me
~"Want Ad" by MxPx
See what I mean? I've also been thinking a lot about how I'm going to pay for college and what I want to do with my life and when and where I'm going to work and a million other things pertaining to life after school. So, the same things I was thinking about the last time I wrote a real entry. I've also been straying from God again (big surprise there, no?), and of course my life is a bajillion times worse when I'm not spending time each and every day with God. And really, it's almost amazing how quickly I've gotten to the point where I can talk about that with about as much interest as I would tell someone the time of day. Good old apathy, back again to convince me that just about anything is more interesting than that devotional book and my Bible. I waste countless hours a day reading and re-reading stuff about music and movies, but I can't take 30 or 45 minutes out of my day to read a devotional and my Bible and write a little bit about it, even though doing so will benefit me more than pretty much anything else I could do. I'd almost say I hate my laziness and my severe lack of committment to my faith, if I wasn't so apathetic about the whole thing. I would say I hated so much of the way I live, so many of the things I do, so many of the words I say, the things I watch, the things I laugh at, the things I think about, the things I listen to, if only... if only I could bring myself to care, even a little. Writing is supposed to be cathartic, at least, it's always been a form of catharsis for me, and yet I feel pretty much nothing as I sit here and write what I feel (or really, what I don't feel) for anyone who stumbles on this thing to read.
"Oh, doubters, let's go down, let's go down
won't you come on down, oh doubters, let's go down , down to the river to pray?
'But I'm so small I can barely be seen
How can this great love be inside of me?'
Look at your eyes - they're small in size, but they see enormous things."
~"Four Word Letter (Part Two)" by mewithoutYou
Everything seems so trivial and unimportant unless it directly pertains to me and what will make me happy, which makes me selfish, and once again, I can say that with little sense of remorse. I know that should be sad or something, but I have a hard time feeling like it is. God, this is so frustrating... and now I might be getting somewhere. Frustration is more than I've been feeling about the sinful sides of me recently, and that has to be a start of some sort. Feeling frustrated that I don't feel anything about my sin seems to be a small start, though. I still have a long, long ways to go, I think.
But in all of Israel, father did you see someone who seeks himself so perfectly,
The Pharisees would be content at the sight of me,
The snakes would wrap around me and we’d dance across the sea,
To ridicule you there and to spit upon your face,
Unsheathe this wicked tongue, and invite disgrace,
Isn’t that the goal that I’ve always pursued?
While I beg you, lord to be used for you
Under a light in Bethlehem I was sifting through the sand,
The saline burned my eyes, I was looking for your hand,
I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed,
I cried out “I’m alone!” and found myself in your arms
Rest in me oh my love,
I have loved you before the world began,
Rest in me oh my love,
You will never to wander too far to reach my hand,
Did they not murder you?
Did they not see you die?
Hanging on a tree as the life had left your eyes,
Did we not torture you?
Smiling as you died,
Or is it that you killed death itself, and now you are alive?
~"And the Smokers and Children Shall Be Cast Down" by Showbread
Once again, writing and music have proven themselves amazing forms of catharsis. Within the last few minutes, through writing and searching for some good lyrics to post, I've started to feel some regret for the way I've been living. Now I pray that this will last, not the regret so much as the awareness of what is wrong in my life and my amazingly infinite need for God's infinite love... which I just realized. That my need is basically infinite, since on my own there is no way I can live my life the way God intended, which is why I need his infinite love to be able to live a life that is even worth living. That probably made zero sense to anyone else, but it made total sense to me, and that's what I needed. I think I'll end this here and go spend some much-needed time with God. As a little end note, since I haven't mentioned this anywhere else, I am not, in fact, going to the graduation commencement, just to verify what anyone may have told you or to let you know in case you didn't already.
Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would
A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things
If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...
Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide
Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
~"Frail" by Jars of Clay
Now my nights consist of two toothpicks and eyelids, a crucifix and vitamins, music that is pirated, new flavored food made of mutated hybrids
~"Slow Down Gandhi" by Sage Francis
I will kick this off by letting you know that my face hurts, which I think has something to do with the fact that I've been sick since Saturday night. It might also have something to do with me sleeping 17 out of the last 24 hours. These past few days have been kind of weird. The majority of the time, I feel like I'm in some state between being awake and dreaming, which I'm sure is due to some combination of me being sick, taking NyQuil and like two different sinus pills, running on caffeine, and subsequently having the caffeine wear off. This time of year always puts me in a weird state of mind, even more so now, I think, because I'll be done with high school in about two and a half weeks, and I just have a feeling I'll end up screwing myself over with college somehow. I'll also get really depressed, and then the next minute will be absolutely ecstatic, both for really no reason. I spend a lot of time aimlessly driving around, between like 11 PM and 1 or 2 AM, usually while listening to one of my depressing mixtapes.
After years with their crown on my head,
I’ve grown overfed, unconcerned and comfortably numb
Kept busy indulging in the pleasures of the wealthy.
(Oh, someone make me afraid of what I’ve become!)
At the first sign of possible sorrow I’ll turn my heel and run.
(Oh, I’ll never learn!)
My life's a cup of sugar I borrowed before time began and forgot to return.
~"January 1979" by mewithoutYou
So anyway, that was that. Yes, this time of year does crazy things to me. I think way too much about stupid crap. Mostly emo stuff, death and whatnot. I almost thought, "Man, I need a girlfriend" but managed to catch it before it was too late. But seriously, sometimes I think a girlfriend would be a pretty sweet deal. I hung out with Molly last weekend, but nothing's going to come of that for a while, since she has that boyfriend she doesn't even like but won't break up with. Bah. Retarted.
i need the kind of girl that knows a girl that
likes to wear my clothes somone who always
buys me coke someone who laughs at all my
jokes that's the girl that i want to see fall in love
with me that's the girl that i long to know oh
how i love her so i'm looking for a girl who
writes me songs and talks to Jesus all day long
and the way she does her hair no one else
can compare i'll probably meet her at a show
when i look at her i'll know that she's the
perfect one for me and with her i will always
be the one for me
~"Want Ad" by MxPx
See what I mean? I've also been thinking a lot about how I'm going to pay for college and what I want to do with my life and when and where I'm going to work and a million other things pertaining to life after school. So, the same things I was thinking about the last time I wrote a real entry. I've also been straying from God again (big surprise there, no?), and of course my life is a bajillion times worse when I'm not spending time each and every day with God. And really, it's almost amazing how quickly I've gotten to the point where I can talk about that with about as much interest as I would tell someone the time of day. Good old apathy, back again to convince me that just about anything is more interesting than that devotional book and my Bible. I waste countless hours a day reading and re-reading stuff about music and movies, but I can't take 30 or 45 minutes out of my day to read a devotional and my Bible and write a little bit about it, even though doing so will benefit me more than pretty much anything else I could do. I'd almost say I hate my laziness and my severe lack of committment to my faith, if I wasn't so apathetic about the whole thing. I would say I hated so much of the way I live, so many of the things I do, so many of the words I say, the things I watch, the things I laugh at, the things I think about, the things I listen to, if only... if only I could bring myself to care, even a little. Writing is supposed to be cathartic, at least, it's always been a form of catharsis for me, and yet I feel pretty much nothing as I sit here and write what I feel (or really, what I don't feel) for anyone who stumbles on this thing to read.
"Oh, doubters, let's go down, let's go down
won't you come on down, oh doubters, let's go down , down to the river to pray?
'But I'm so small I can barely be seen
How can this great love be inside of me?'
Look at your eyes - they're small in size, but they see enormous things."
~"Four Word Letter (Part Two)" by mewithoutYou
Everything seems so trivial and unimportant unless it directly pertains to me and what will make me happy, which makes me selfish, and once again, I can say that with little sense of remorse. I know that should be sad or something, but I have a hard time feeling like it is. God, this is so frustrating... and now I might be getting somewhere. Frustration is more than I've been feeling about the sinful sides of me recently, and that has to be a start of some sort. Feeling frustrated that I don't feel anything about my sin seems to be a small start, though. I still have a long, long ways to go, I think.
But in all of Israel, father did you see someone who seeks himself so perfectly,
The Pharisees would be content at the sight of me,
The snakes would wrap around me and we’d dance across the sea,
To ridicule you there and to spit upon your face,
Unsheathe this wicked tongue, and invite disgrace,
Isn’t that the goal that I’ve always pursued?
While I beg you, lord to be used for you
Under a light in Bethlehem I was sifting through the sand,
The saline burned my eyes, I was looking for your hand,
I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed,
I cried out “I’m alone!” and found myself in your arms
Rest in me oh my love,
I have loved you before the world began,
Rest in me oh my love,
You will never to wander too far to reach my hand,
Did they not murder you?
Did they not see you die?
Hanging on a tree as the life had left your eyes,
Did we not torture you?
Smiling as you died,
Or is it that you killed death itself, and now you are alive?
~"And the Smokers and Children Shall Be Cast Down" by Showbread
Once again, writing and music have proven themselves amazing forms of catharsis. Within the last few minutes, through writing and searching for some good lyrics to post, I've started to feel some regret for the way I've been living. Now I pray that this will last, not the regret so much as the awareness of what is wrong in my life and my amazingly infinite need for God's infinite love... which I just realized. That my need is basically infinite, since on my own there is no way I can live my life the way God intended, which is why I need his infinite love to be able to live a life that is even worth living. That probably made zero sense to anyone else, but it made total sense to me, and that's what I needed. I think I'll end this here and go spend some much-needed time with God. As a little end note, since I haven't mentioned this anywhere else, I am not, in fact, going to the graduation commencement, just to verify what anyone may have told you or to let you know in case you didn't already.
Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would
A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things
If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...
Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide
Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
~"Frail" by Jars of Clay
posted by Ben at 10:07 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home