Meaningless Ornamental Designs

New Blog-type Thing

2010-08-04T19:07:00.001-05:00

Because I never update here anymore, I thought I'd put a link to the Tumblr I started:

http://benschultz.tumblr.com

Enjoy, and all that.

It's like being tired but you just can't sleep - your bed is obsolete

2009-06-08T00:51:00.002-05:00

First post in forever, obviously. Most likely this will be entirely stream-of-consciousness since I'm tired and I start a new job in seven hours, but I'm entirely unable to sleep, which is why I'm writing this in the first place. I'm tired - exhausted, frankly, since I just walked/ran for the last hour (mostly walked) and I'm disgustingly out of shape - but I just can't sleep. I was hoping the walk would get this weirdness out of me, but it didn't really work. If anything, it just got rid of my focus, so now I'm drained and aimless. I think running the small amount that I did just made me feel sick to my stomach (God, I'm lazy), though I'm sure that the slightly warm Sierra Nevada Stout that I just cracked isn't helping things.

Contradiction lies when you look in my eyes and tell me not to rail

The reason I hadn't been posting was because I was... not content with my life, but complacent, I guess. I had a couple horribly depressed periods, but I got through those by writing and then doing a lot of posting on Showbread's forums about it. Besides, the four or five of you who actually read this thing already know about at least one of them anyway, and have most likely helped me through that, whether that means listening to me bitch or simply being there to get drunk with and talk about other things for a while. I wish I could talk about stuff with you guys who read this, but half the time I feel too uncomfortable to bring this stuff up while sober, and generally when we drink my mind is either somewhere else entirely, or I know enough not to bring this stuff up and be a downer - even when that latter situation happens, my mind is usually on something else within a few minutes anyway. It's not even that I would have normally felt comfortable talking about this stuff, because before it usually took a full night's worth of driving before I really started to bring this stuff up, and by that point I was so sleep-deprived/generally out of it that I may as well have been drunk anyway. I don't really know where I was going with any of this. I barely remember where I was going to go when I started writing, but I suppose that was the whole point of starting this post in the first place.

I hear the wind underneath the door
Like I hear the sound of you not loving me anymore
The wind doesn't know
Where it comes from, or
Where it goes

So yeah, I start a new job tomorrow, and I really don't want to start it. My aunt works for an insurance company, and she got me a summer job doing data entry at one of their buildings in St. Paul. I don't want to work there for a few reasons. I've only been laid off for a week and a half, and apart from that, I've been working almost non-stop for the last year and a half. Before that, I was in school and working for another half year, so I essentially haven't really had a break for two years. I know that's probably going to be my life whenever I get around to finishing school, but I could really use another couple weeks off. It's not like my job was that hard or anything, but I love having no responsibilities whatsoever. The last time I had that was when Christopher was out here for a week, and before that, I had three weeks off last May/June, and a good portion of that was spent trying to get a temporary job at my parents' behest. I know I'm just coming off as a whiny, depressed wreck right now, but whatevs. I need to vent at the moment.

So what exactly is it you believe
Or maybe you don't know, or maybe you wear it on your sleeve
I've got to ask myself the same

I also don't want to start this job because I have to dress casual business. I know it's a minor complaint, but the fact is that I feel a consistent, low-level uncomfortableness anytime I'm not in jeans and a t-shirt, and I'm not looking forward to three months of that. I'm also not looking forward to starting work at 8:00 every day, which means I need to get up at 6:30 or so everyday. The last two times I worked day shift at Lifetouch (once for a little over a month last September, and then again two summers ago for about three months), I was tired almost every day, and no matter what I did, I could never fully get my body to commit to working days. Even if I could, I'm far more comfortable working nights, especially during the summer. I was sort of looking forward to this summer being awesome, but if I'm going to be tired all the time... bleh.

And it will always be
Too late or too early
But hey, maybe next fall
Maybe next fall
Maybe next fall

I know I should wait to pass judgment on this job until I've worked there for a while, but I can't help being pessimistic about the whole thing. I think I'm probably a little nervous about starting a real job, especially given that I'm prone to being late a lot of the time, and this job has an extremely low tolerance for lateness. If Lifetouch was as strict as this new place is, I probably would've been fired a good four or five times over the last six months. If it only affected me, that would be one thing, but if I get fired, it reflects on my aunt too, since they hired me after one phone call based almost entirely on her reccomendation. That would even make me feel weird about quitting after the first week if I decide I hate it there, and it would make me feel doubly weird since she bought me almost $100 in new clothes to wear to work, because my idea of "nice shirt" since tenth grade has been whatever the most recent t-shirt I own is.

Encryption ensconses this cryptic cliché
If it's not stupid, it's more of the same
I'm too tired to care, we're too busy too think
So sit back and laugh and watch the ship sink

I wouldn't even take this job if I wasn't so broke. I wanted to live on unemployment until Lifetouch called me back in July, but getting called back ended up not being a for-sure thing, and I wasn't sure how much unemployment would pay (mostly because I was an idiot and didn't apply last week like I should've). But because I'm an idiot and I literally have less than $30 to my name right now, I'm taking the job. I have no idea how I'm going to stretch that until my next paycheck (which will either come two or three weeks from now), so I'm also worried about that, especially since my car insurance payment gets deducted out of my bank account in two weeks. I definitely shouldn't have spent any money after I got laid off, at least until I either got my first paycheck or got on unemployment, but I'm a fucking retard, so here we are. There's a bit more I'm worried about which is loosely related to money, but is really part of a more global problem, but I don't feel like the internet is the place to go into it. If you want to know, ask, and I'll go into it, but here is not the place... nor the time. There's more I could write, and it's a lot of stuff that I've been thinking about since my last post, and it's definitely less whiny and retarded and selfish and hopefully more interesting and globally applicable than what I've written about in this post, but this is the stuff that's really been on my mind recently, and I have to get it out. Buy me a drink or a pack of smokes, and we'll talk about it, but for now I think I should probably try and get four hours of sleep before I have to wake up. And if you made it through all this self-gratifying bullshit, I owe you a drink once I have a steady cashflow again. Seriously, I will buy you a drink if you read this whole thing. And now, it's time for me to post this without re-reading any of this (a decision I will end up regretting at least somewhat, mostly because I posted it in a semi-public place; had I written it in a notebook like I'd been doing since my last post, I would mostly just look back on it and wonder why I was such a whiny bitch, but now it's in a somewhat public forum) and try to get some sleep in.

Well, it's one in the morning and I can't sleep at night-
I hear wolves around the doorstep -
They're circling outside.
I count 'em jumping over fences, and landing on the sheet
Now, it's two in the morning and I can't fall asleep.

It's two in the morning and I can't fall asleep-
There's a wind in the willows
And it's a howling down the street
I hear it picking up the garbage, gon' fly it to the moon
Now it's three in the morning better get some sleeping soon.

It's three in the morning better get some sleeping soon-
I'm gonna count the numbers in the counselor's room
And if I miss a beat, well, then it's off with my head
Now it's four in the morning and I'm twisting in my bed.

It's four in the morning and I'm turning in my bed-
I wish I had a dream or a nightmare in my head,
So I drop my imagination and get some sleeping done
Now it's five in the morning and I'm wishing it was one.

As a random note, while I was writing this post, I found out M. Ward covered this song by The Who, a song I loved when I first heard Audio Adrenaline cover it. They totally ruined me, because I don't think the original version even holds a candle to AudioA's version, but whatevs. M. Ward slaughters this track as well.

http://www.achtungbaby.org/09/03/Let-My-Love-Open-The-Door.mp3

And I was so drunk my heart floated like a feather in the breeze
I got so high off all the blinking lights, the colors painted in the night
Midsummer classic, blue and gold, our city casts its shadow
The kettle boiled, heads for a roll, sundowning's never getting old
And underneath this crooked moon, I could smell the night begin to bloom
The northern wind will change again, and my geography will bend
Back and forth across the map until I reach the end
Back and forth across the map until I reach the end
And it'll take some time
Yeah, it'll take some time
But the dawn will come
Yeah, the tide will rise, yeah

Smells like autumn, smells like leaves...

2008-10-01T02:47:00.002-05:00

Yup. I do.

It's 46 degrees outside right now, my window is open, and I couldn't be happier.

Possible massive post coming soon. But maybe not. To sum up my upcoming post: I believe in God.

Summer was gone and the heat died down
And Autumn reached for her golden crown
I looked behind as I heard a sigh
But this was the time of no reply.

Red, Purple, Pink/It's Okay To Be Alone

2008-07-03T03:41:00.005-05:00

We've been waiting for a miracle
Hanging out in the lion's den
Fighting giants with skipping stones
And I have never felt more alone

We've been waiting for a miracle
Forty days and forty nights
Wishing water would turn into wine
Wishing more than anything that she was mine

I'm sleeping in the belly of a whale
And I'm dreaming in the belly of a whale

We've been waiting for a miracle
Treading water just to see if it will hold
Burning bushes and speechless men
Making the same mistakes again

We've been waiting for a miracle
A dozen drinks in the lion's den
Loose women and wishing wells
If I'm alive I can't even tell

I'm sleeping in the belly of a whale
And I'm dreaming in the belly of a whale

And then I opened up my eyes
To see it there
Just sitting across from me
With bright shining eyes
And just a couple of words
About her family
Yeah, ten brothers and sisters
And it brought me back to life
And just like Lazarus of old
There in the car parked moonlight
It never looked so beautiful
It never looked so beautiful

So come out Lazarus
And come out Lazarus
Yeah, so come out Lazarus

It gives me hope for this world
She gives me hope for this world
That there's still someone who feels
That there's still someone who's real
And there's still so much beauty left to find

Yeah, so come out Lazarus
Oh, and come out Lazarus
Yeah, so come out Lazarus

---------------------------------------------------------------

Pick your face up off the ground
There's no reason to feel so down - tonight
And put your heart back in your chest
Close your eyes and try to get some rest - tonight

It's okay to be alone
It's okay to be alone
It's okay to be alone
Yeah, you're okay
Yeah, you're okay

Dry your beat up eyes
You've cried enough for the both of us - tonight
And kill your sad, sad songs
They only bring you down
They only bring you down
They only bring you back to me

It's okay to be alone
Yeah, it's okay to be alone
You don't need a hand to hold you up
Yeah, you're okay
Yeah, you're okay

'Cause you would hate these cigarettes
And you would hate these cigarettes
Burning down my nose
Yeah, and burning down my throat

Yeah, it's okay to be alone
Yeah, it's okay to be alone
Yeah, it's okay to be alone
Yeah, it's okay to be alone

My brain's the burger and my heart's the coal...The years go fast and the days go so slow

2008-06-23T00:24:00.002-05:00

I just smoked some salvia and because there is no one around to converse with (and I don't feel like discussing stuff over IM or the phone), I've decided to write a blog post to try and get some of my thoughts out and organized before this wears off. So enjoy this look into what goes on in my head while I'm thinking in a different way.

First, I would like to say that I mostly hate drug terminology. I didn't know how to write the first sentence of this post. I didn't want to say "smoked" but it was the best thing I could come up with - definitely better than "did" or "used". All the terminology seems to have negative connotations associated with it (in my mind, anyway), at least when it comes to salvia. I view salvia differently than tobacco or alcohol or pot or caffeine or anything. I use that stuff simply for the buzz and nothing more, so I don't mind using cruder words for it. But salvia seems different, more important or more... spiritual or something, I don't know. It makes me think differently, puts my mind in a introspective, contemplative place, and I sort of feel weird about using the same words for it that I use for any drug I ingest simply to get a buzz.

Now on to stuff I actually wanted to write about. I was sitting outside afterwards looking up at the stars, and just thinking about how small our planet is and especially how small I am. The universe is so huge. I think it really clicked for me for the first time just how far away all those other stars and planets are. But rather than get freaked out by it, I just saw it as beautiful for some reason. It made me think about my life and how many things seem important to me that really aren't important at all. I'm thinking again about how meaningless most things really are, but rather than wondering "what's the point?" like I usually do, I'm okay with it. I'm content and at peace with everything being meaningless and just living my life to live it. Like I wrote a few months ago, when I was depressed and gave the guy begging for change some money and felt happier... I think that's what I need to be doing. Just living my life and helping people out, trying to make other peoples' lives better. I think that's my purpose in life. Or, if you're going by existential philosophy, that's the purpose I choose for my life. At this point, though, it's hard not to think that everything is all inter-connected and so everyone's purpose in life is to help each other out and make everyone's life the best we possibly can. I don't know. I'm seriously considering vegetarianism/veganism right now because I think that charity or whatever you want to call it extends past humans and on to animals. But again, I don't know. I'm sure that will be gone tomorrow, and even now I'm thinking about how I'd really like a tray of nigiri-zushi.

I was also thinking about how I think maybe humanity needs to get back to a primitive state. Just abandon almost all of our technology and live off the land. That got me thinking to how we'd probably lose all of our written history, and because of that would probably end up re-inventing everything at some point in the distant future. It also got me thinking about how religions would probably get re-invented as a way to explain how we got here, what the stars are, etc., and that really made it clear to me that religion is definitely a man-made thing. Now I'm thinking that because technology is inevitable, maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. I don't know. Stuff's weird.

I guess I'm sort of out of stuff to write at the moment. Maybe I'll come back and write a bunch more stuff in 15 minutes, but maybe not. I'll leave you with my explanation of how my trip went tonight, and how it's gone in the past, as conveyed via IM to a friend as I was writing this. A few things you should know, I guess: the third time I smoked salvia (tonight was the fifth) I for some reason thought I was at Disneyland and felt as though I was on a ride. That feeling persisted a little last time, and definitely tonight. I have no idea why I go there right away, apart from the fact that everything starts to spin like I'm on a crazy rollercoaster or something. The other thing is the 20x reference towards the end of my explanation - I buy salvia leaves that have been soaked in an extract of salvinorin A (the psychoactive chemical in the leaves) that is 20 times more powerful than naturally occurring salvinorin. And now, on with the copy+paste of the explanation:

[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: every time everything starts to spin for me
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: and it's like... it's like everything gets obliterated
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: myself, other people, the world, everything
[00:44] SnareRushJunkie: for a few seconds
[00:45] SnareRushJunkie: and it's like i almost black out because everything is just gone, except i'm still aware of... existence... like, sort of my existence, except it's not me. i'm just aware of existence of some kind.
[00:45] SnareRushJunkie: and i slowly start to come back in, and everything's still spinning, and i can see what's immediately in my field of vision, and so that becomes real to me
[00:46] SnareRushJunkie: and then i can abstractly understand that, yes, i do exist and so do some other people... like, i understand that there are other people in the world that i care about, and so they exist too
[00:47] SnareRushJunkie: and then i become aware of more of my surroundings, and i can start to see that the physical area that exists around me has grown somewhat, and so it's like... now my back yard exists
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: and that eventually expands and the whole world exists again
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: but i still feel very... either out of place or totally in place, depending on how you think about it
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: the whole world exists, but i'm just a part of it, i guess
[00:48] SnareRushJunkie: i'm individual, but only in the way a tree is individual
[00:49] SnareRushJunkie: and everything slows down a little throughout this
[00:49] SnareRushJunkie: and then i'm mostly back to normal, apart from the introspection
[00:50] SnareRushJunkie: and this all takes... i don't know, i would guess maybe two minutes, but it's so hard to judge because time has been obliterated too
[00:50] SnareRushJunkie: i freaked out a little bit tonight, and when i first started to come back i felt like i was just going to be sitting back there until someone found me in the morning and... i don't know, talked to me or something, and then my head would clear
[00:51] SnareRushJunkie: i had to talk myself back into existence, both physical and temporal
[00:52] SnareRushJunkie: i had to tell myself where i was and what was around me, and then sort of re-explain time to myself, that today was sunday (i fumbled a couple times and told myself it was monday and saturday) and that i had work tomorrow and whatever... sort of had to re-schedule time in my head
[00:53] SnareRushJunkie: now i'm doing great, but it was rough for a couple minutes there
[00:53] SnareRushJunkie: so i've concluded 20x is not good to do alone
[00:54] SnareRushJunkie: i'm still amazed how quickly that stuff jumps on you
[00:55] SnareRushJunkie: i hadn't finished exhaling before i was gone
[00:55] SnareRushJunkie: oh, and i did feel like i was at disneyland again. it's so weird.
[00:55] SnareRushJunkie: when i was talking myself down, i told myself i just had to sit there and wait for the ride to end and then i could get off and it would all be okay

Well, all's not well
But I'm told that it'll all be quite nice
You'll be drowned in boots like Mafia
But your feet will still float like Christ's
And I'll be damned
They were right
I'm drowning upside down
My feet afloat like Christ's
I'm in heaven
Trying to figure out which stack
They're going to stuff us atheists into
When Peter and his monkey laugh
And I laugh with them
I'm not sure what at
They point and say
"We'll keep you in the back
Polishing halos, baking manna and gas"
Well, some guy comes in looking a bit
Like everyone I ever seen
He moves just like Crisco disco
Breath 100% Listerine
He says looking at something else
But directing everything to me
"Every time anyone gets on their knees to pray
Well, it makes my telephone ring
And I'll be damned"
He said, "You were right
No one's running this whole thing"
He had a theory, too
He said that God takes care of himself
God takes care of himself
And you of you
He said that God takes care of himself
God takes care of himself
And you of you
He said that God takes care of himself
God takes care of himself
And you of you
It's all nice on ice, all right
And it's not day
And it's not night
But it's all nice on ice, all right

I hate myself and I want to die

2008-06-14T08:50:00.000-05:00

So much for being happy.

So much for being over her. I think maybe I'm working towards that point, but maybe I'm not. Who knows.

I am so goddamn worried that she might become my new savior. I really hope she doesn't. That would just fuck everything up. And yet part of me thinks I would fuck it all up if I could get what I wanted. I hate myself so much. And I mean that. I hate myself.

I want so badly to believe in God right now, to know that there is someone who is always there for me, who will love me unconditionally, who will give me a reason to keep going. Maybe I can't believe because I don't think I deserve that.

I should sleep. I'm tired. Really tired. But I'm so afraid I'll just lay there, feeling absolutely wrecked but being unable to fall asleep.

I sort of hope I don't wake up tomorrow.

I need to see someone about all of this, but I'm really scared and I'm not entirely sure why.

God take me because I hate me.

And it will take some time, but the dawn will come and the tide will rise

2008-06-10T00:12:00.002-05:00

I am happy tonight for the first time in... I don't know when. Like, genuinely happy. Not content or in a good mood, but actually happy.

I don't want to speak too soon, but I think I may finally be getting over her. We'll see.

I don't really know what else to write. I've been thinking a lot, and I had one of the most beautiful experiences of my entire life on Saturday night, but those are things I'd much rather discuss in person. So if you see me and you want to know what's up, just ask me. I want to talk about it, not write about it.

Oh, and it's amazing what a change of perspective can do for how I interpret lyrics.

Tonight I know she'll never set me free

I feel nothing
I want nothing
I am nothing

I know the world's got problems, I've got problems of my own - not the kind that can't be solved with an atom bomb

2008-05-20T21:44:00.003-05:00

I want to know everything
I want to be everywhere
I want to fuck everyone in the world
I want to do something that matters

Today I'm in love with everything. Tomorrow who knows what the day will bring.

2008-05-02T01:01:00.006-05:00

In case you were wondering, this stuff:

is total bullshit. There. I just saved you $5.

I guess it would be nice to give my heart to a god
But which one, which one do I choose?
All the churches fill with losers, psycho or confused
I just want to hold the divine in mind
And forget all of the beauty's wasted

I'm in a crisis! I need help, come on mood shift - shift back to good again!

2008-04-30T01:09:00.002-05:00

It's amazing what nine hours of decent sleep, a sunny day, and a free veggie burrito from Panchero can do for a person's mood. I'm being realistic and realizing this feeling isn't going to last forever (hell, it might be gone tomorrow), but I'm going to enjoy the fuck out of it while it's here. I was tempted to buy into karma today, except I hadn't done anything to deserve a good day apart from being emotionally retarded and suffering because of it for a couple weeks. That hardly seems like it deserves a reward.

Out of breath and out of cash
Find yourself watching M.A.S.H.
Every night on the couch
Woman says, "Let's take a drive down south
Roll down the windows and open our mouths
Taste where we are and play the music loud
Stop the car, lay on the grass
The planets spin and we watch space pass
Walk a direction, see where we get
I never knew nothing so there's nothing to forget
Get real drunk and ride our bikes
There's so much beauty it could make you cry

I might have figured out a small part of the reason I wanted to believe in God the other night. Of course part of me wanted to call out to him for help, but I think part of me also wanted someone to direct my anger and frustration at. I didn't necessarily want to blame him, per se (though that may have come later), but I wanted to be able to think that someone had something to do with it in some way, instead of the universe randomly bestowing a bad weekend on me.

Don't worry about a thing
Because every little thing gonna be all right

Does anyone actually read any of the lyrics?

But I adore her - this will never happen

2008-04-29T00:07:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I want to be able to shut my brain off, to not care about anything, to stop thinking so goddamn much. This might sound arrogant, but it seems that all the people I know who actually use their brains, who think about things that go beyond themselves, are the ones who are depressed the most. I'm sort of stealing this idea from Marc Maron, but maybe depression is a direct result of thinking, of being awake, of being in tune with what's going on in the world. Maybe the people who seem like they're always happy don't have a fucking clue. I've said before that sometimes I think maybe I should be on medication of some kind, but I don't think that's the answer anymore. If the natural response to the way society is set up is to be depressed and pissed off about everything, why should we take medication to get rid of that feeling? Shouldn't the people who don't get angry be the ones on medication? But then, anger doesn't really do a whole lot. It would be productive, except most of the time I have no idea how to run my own life, much less start solving shit in the world. That, and not all of my depression and anger stems from external stuff. A lot of comes from the fact that I get sick of my own life and how it's going, sometimes.

Everybody just get away
I'm gonna boil over inside today
They say things are gonna get better
All I know is they fuckin' better

Depression's got a hold of me
Depression - I gotta break free
Depression's got a hold of me
Depression's gonna kill me

And then there's always the depression and frustration that stems from my complete inability to convince myself that she is not going to save me and make everything better. I know I've been writing about her a lot recently, and that the five of you who actually read this thing are probably sick of hearing about it (and that some of you might not know who she is - if that's the case, just ask me), but I'm fucking sick of it too. I just wish I could get over her. I hate the fact that seeing her ruins my day, and the days (weeks, sometimes) that follow. I hate that I can't listen to half of my favorite music without thinking about her. I hate that I use her as an excuse not to find other girls. Most of all, I hate myself for knowing that I idealize everything about her, that I've put her on this weird pedestal in my head, that I've made her into something she's not, that I continue to knowingly deceive myself by thinking that she can save me and by holding out hope that maybe someday (maybe right now!) she'll feel the same way about me. I continue to believe my own bullshit, and I hate myself for it. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to her.

I've only ever loved myself, but I love myself so well

You told me this has always been worth living - what's really worth living anymore?

2008-04-27T03:48:00.005-05:00

A few quick thoughts. I'm hoping that typing them out will get them out of my system, even though I know it won't.

Thirsty and miserable, always wanting more

-Tonight, I really wish I could fully believe in God again, like I did back when believing in God still seemed logical, like I did back when it made me happy, when it gave me a purpose for my life. At this point not believing in God seems logical, so it also seems like the "right" thing to do, if that makes sense... and yet part of me still wants to believe in God, I think mostly because believing in God made me feel like my life had a purpose, even if I usually didn't follow that purpose (God, that plays right into my ego, doesn't it?). But, it also led to a lot of guilt when I didn't follow it, when I sinned, and yet most of that guilt should've been unnecessary because I think a lot of what's considered sin shouldn't be considered sin... does any of this make sense? I'm not thinking that clearly at the moment.

-I need to stop taking shit out on my dad. Yes, he's annoying, and yes, he probably does have some of it coming. But I know he's (mostly) coming from the right place, and I know he's not looking forward to me moving out. I wish I could be more patient with him.

I could use someone to talk to
But most of my conversations with men seem to revolve around music
I'm no musician, but the pain has been...
Instrumental
To my becoming autumn word
My senses finely tuned instruments of being... lonely
Of being... loved
Of being hu-man, man, man, I could use a metaphor but I just can't get beyond this shit
I could use a metaphor but I just can't get beyond

-I've dreamed about her for 7 or 8 out of the last 10 nights at least, and every time I wake up feeling amazingly hopeful until reality comes crashing in on me. This is getting a little ridiculous.

-I hate being paralyzed by indecision. I hate not knowing if I want to be around people or not. I hate wanting the opposite of whichever I choose. I wish I could figure out which makes me happy, and just do it.

Everything's gotten so complicated
Now you're older, now you're jaded
You despise what you used to love
Cursing everything under the sky above
When you think back does it ever make you cry,
Like it does me with the tears all in my eyes?
Crying, driving in my car
Looking back on my life so far

All the things that you believed in
Lies, all lies, they've been deceiving you
Deceiving me, deceiving you

When we were young we were told so many times,
"Prepare for your future because it won't be easy!"
They never did tell us to enjoy life, here it is
Then before you know it life has passed you by

-I wish I still wrote on a regular basis. It used to be that depression was an impetus to write, but now words never seem good enough.

-I was driving home in this depressive state tonight, and I stopped and gave the money I had into my pocket to this guy who was on the corner begging for change. I talked to him for a little while, then got back in my car and started driving again. And I realized I felt a little better... and I still feel a little better. And I'm thinking... maybe we really are all connected on some level. Maybe I feel better for helping this guy because we're all part of the same thing. Maybe that's what life is all about.

Sometimes in the morning I am petrified and can’t move
Awake but cannot open my eyes
And the weight is crushing down on my lungs
I know I can’t breathe
And I hope someone will save me this time
And your mother’s still calling you insane and high
Swearing it’s different this time
And you tell her you give in to the demons that possess her
And that God never blessed her insides
Then you hang up the phone
And feel badly for upsetting things
Crawl back into bed to dream of a time
When your heart was open wide
And you loved things just because
Like the sick and the dying
And sometimes when you’re on
You’re really fucking on
And your friends they sing along
And they love you
But the lows are so extreme
That the good seems fucking cheap
And it teases you for weeks in its absence
But you’ll fight and you’ll make it through
You’ll fake it if you have to
And you’ll show up for work with a smile
And you’ll be better
And you’ll be smarter
And more grown up
And a better daughter or son
And a real good friend
And you’ll be awake
You’ll be alert
You’ll be positive though it hurts
And you’ll laugh and embrace all your friends
And you’ll be a real good listener
You’ll be honest
You’ll be brave
You’ll be handsome and you’ll be beautiful
You’ll be happy

Your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
To the cries and the wails of the valley below
And your ship may be coming in
You’re weak but not giving in
And you’ll fight it
You’ll go out fighting all of them

It takes a long time, but God dies too - but not before he'll stick it to you

2008-04-15T00:57:00.003-05:00

Idea for a short story I'll never write:

A man doesn't believe in God. He continually tries to prove this to those around him, but no one will listen. He gets so fed up that he starts to lose his mind. Then, he has a brilliant idea to prove that he is right. Unfortunately, if he goes through with his plan, there will be no one to see that he was right after all - himself included. His plan is this: find a way to destroy the entire Earth and everyone living on it and himself at the same time. Let's follow his logic. God has a plan for the universe. Specifically, God has a plan for the Earth. Even more specifically, and depending on who you talk to, God has a plan for every human being. Furthermore, God wants to redeem his creation, probably by sending Jesus back for all those who follow him. If our unnamed hero (villain?) devises a way to carry out his plan, along with a number of backup methods just in case, surely God would intervene to save his creation. If he failed to do so, wouldn't this prove that God doesn't exist after all? And if he did intervene, we would then have absolute proof of his existence, which would also benefit humanity. But of course, the dilemma is contained in the fact that in order for his plan to work, our hero would have to find a way to kill every last human being, otherwise God's creation lives on and he still has an opportunity to fix everything. Thus, our hero's whole plan becomes moot.

...doesn't it?

God is a woman and the woman is an animal
That animal's man and that's you
Was there a need for creation?
That was hiding in a math equation and that's this:
Where do circles begin?

Oh, and you should all read this book.

Pray It's Malignant

2008-04-09T01:43:00.003-05:00

And now, some words from Henry Rollins:

I want to meet a woman who will make my jaw drop in awe. A woman that has little time for me. One who respects herself, who has a sense of herself. Where is she? I wish she was here right now.

Walking wounded and dazed. Is there anyone alive out there tonight? I hear rain falling. I hear cars passing. I see shapes moving but I can't be sure. I have a rotten, recurring feeling that rips through me. A desperate longing for what, I don't know. I walk, thinking that it might come to me, that I might be able to get my hands around its throat and strangle it. I want to kill it because it wants to kill me. I say kill all the enemies in my brain. The monster stalks the streets in search of itself. Regret, I'll kill that guy. Despair, shoot him. Loneliness, come forward, I want to disfigure you. I want to turn you on yourself and make you see what you do to people. I want you to see the blood and the anger. I want you to feel the sullen lump that finds itself in my throat when you come in. I want to lock you up in solitary and watch you destroy yourself. I am going to make sure you go as slow as possible. I want you to taste every drop. You're going to find out what hell is like. You're going to see that it's you. To make things as bad as I can, I'm going to give you little breaks from yourself. I'll give you shot glasses full of the finest companionship. I'll get you hooked. Then, when all you want is the next fix, I'm going to cut you off and you will be left all alone with yourself. And then you will know what we all know. You will scream like we all scream. You will feel the pain. I don't know if you'll be able to survive yourself. That's a terrifying thought, isn't it? Well, good, we all go through it.

Have you ever tried to outrun yourself? Lose yourself in a crowd, hide from yourself in the stall of a bathroom? Take on a new attitude to fool yourself into thinking that you're someone else? Me too. Same thing every time. At the end, it's always you holding onto yourself. Out of breath, self-humiliated, hot footed, red handed and hopelessly human.

A brain that never stops ticking - sometimes an on/off switch would sure come in handy

2008-04-06T02:52:00.005-05:00

I have no idea where this is going to go, but I feel like I need to write. It will most likely be long and rambling, like most of my late-night posts are. I may include bits of things I've written in the past, and will certainly be including lyrics, as always. I'm going to steal the format Tim uses for huge posts in the hopes that it will help me keep everything a bit more organized and concise. Oh, and if you read this, please comment. Even if it just says "I read this".

Goodbye to sleep, I think this staying up is exactly what I need

-I have no idea where I stand on god right now. I haven't believed in the Christian God for about a month now, and have been leaning in that direction for longer. I've been happier than I have been in a while since I made that decision, too. I still have a definite spiritual side, but I have no idea what I think about god, the afterlife, the metaphysical, etc. If I had to label myself, I'd call myself agnostic at the moment. I'm certainly not an atheist - whether it's my upbringing or my nature or something else entirely, I don't know, but I think I'll always be spiritual to some extent. I just don't know where my spirituality lies at the moment.

-I actually started to question my rejection of Christianity tonight for the first time. I drove around alone for a few hours, and I felt really empty. I tried to figure out what life was for, what I should be doing with mine, and I couldn't come up with anything. I knew that I wanted to be around people, but beyond that I couldn't think of anything else. I wondered if maybe God was the answer, but then I remembered that I had felt pretty empty on numerous occasions when I was still a Christian - but then, that may have been when I was following my own path instead of trying to follow God. I don't know.

What's the fucking point at all?

-I am not looking forward to starting school again at all. I'm really afraid it will be a huge waste of time and money. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, so I'll be getting a bullshit degree just to have a degree. I know that having a degree in anything will help me get a job once I graduate, but... I don't know. Of course, I'll have to get off my ass and finish applying before I even need to worry about school. And if I do get into the U for the fall, I don't know if I'll be able to work enough hours to afford to move out. Of course, without a degree, paying bills will be hard... it's all a mess. My future scares the shit out of me sometimes.

-Most of the time I can convince myself that I don't need, or really even want a girlfriend right now. But when I'm completely honest with myself, I am lonely and so sick of it. Then I wonder if a girlfriend will fix everything, and I know it won't. I'm sure I'll be happier, but a girl is not going to solve all my problems. That, and like... I like being able to do what I want to when I want to do it. I'm selfish. I want my time and money to myself. I want to be able to hang out with my friends whenever I feel like it. I want to be able to keep spending money on music. And then I wonder if I met the right girl... would that change everything? Would I be willing to sacrifice time and money for her? For the most part my friends keep me from feeling lonely, but sometimes I get a little lonely even when I'm hanging out with people. I don't know. That's become my mantra as of late.

Lonely feelings make me sad around company

-It's been more than five years now, and I'm still not over her. Part of me hopes she doesn't read this, and part of me hopes she does - and that's the part of me that foolishly hopes she feels the same about me, even though there's no way she does. And yet I continue to hope.

-I don't care how this sounds - I think I'm in love with Regina Spektor. Everytime I hear "That Time", I find myself more and more attracted to her.

I've written pages upon pages trying to rid you from my bones

-I know I've said this a thousand times before, but Neutral Milk Hotel is the best band ever. I got both of their albums on vinyl a few weeks ago, and have been playing them five or ten times a week since. Something about laying on my bed in the dark with a pair of headphones on and listening to "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" makes me feel like nothing else. I still have no idea what most of the lyrics mean, but there's something there that transcends literal meaning and speaks to the core of my being. I truly believe that there is healing in Jeff Mangum's music.

-I don't know the last time I cried, and that is starting to worry me a little.

When I'm home, I think I'll go eat cereal and stare out the window

-I am completely over her, and I'm not sure if I like her as a person now. I don't know if I was blind to her personality before because I thought she could save me, or if I've somehow forced myself to see her differently now. Is it my fault or hers? Both? Nobody's?

-I want to do something meaningful with my life. Something that matters. I have no idea what that would be, but I want it. I really don't want to be stuck in an office for the rest of my life. I have a feeling that whatever it is, I don't need a college education for it.

My stomach swears there's comfort there, in the warmth of the blankets on your bed. My stomach's always been a liar - I'll believe its lies again

-Sometimes I want nothing more than to get into a fight. I know I would lose, and could definitely get hurt pretty bad, but I want it nonetheless. Am I self-destructive or violent or do I just have too much pent up frustration and nothing to direct it at?

-Sometimes I feel like I'd be all right with dying, and other times it really scares me. Usually when I'm all right with it it's when I think I'll just cease to exist upon death. When it scares me, I usually think I'll live forever in some form.

Do you believe you're missing out? That everything good is happening somewhere else? With nobody in your bed, the night's hard to get through. And I will die all alone. And when I arrive, I won't know anyone. Jesus Christ, I'm alone again - so what did you do those three days you were dead; because this problem is gonna last more than the weekend. Jesus Christ, I'm not scared to die... but I'm a little bit scared of what comes after. Do I get the gold chariot or do I float through the ceiling? Or do I divide and pull apart? Because my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark. And this ship went down in sight of land. And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

-I've wanted to believe in reincarnation since before I knew what reincarnation was. For some reason that idea has always comforted me.

-I read up on Buddhism a little, and while I don't want to become Buddhist there are some principles that make sense to me (as a side note, Buddhism and Christianity share a lot of ideas, which gives me even more to think about regarding religion). There's this one bit about how we all have a good side and an evil side, and rather than denying or fighting the evil side, we should embrace it and try to find a balance between the two. I wonder if I like that because it actually does make sense to me, or it's simply easier than Christianity and appeals more to my selfish nature.

When I arrive will God be waiting and pacing around his throne? Will he feel a little Old Testament? And will he celebrate with fire and brimstone? Yeah, I admit, I am afraid of the reckoning

-I think about this altogether too often... yet every passing thought seems to take me further from an answer.

-I want to get far, far away from here for a while, even if it's only for a day or two. I'm sick of being able to drive for hours and see nothing new. Everyplace I go has memories associated with it and I get tired of dwelling on the past sometimes. I want to get out of here and make new memories.

In an attempt to not lose a prized possession... I lost everything

-I wonder if these low points help me appreciate the high points more when they come. I think sometimes I should be on anti-depressants, especially when my annual period of weird pseudo-cyclothymia (or whatever it is) kicks in during late August and goes until early October or so. But then I wonder if that would ultimately make things better, especially since I'm fine for the rest of the year apart from minor bouts of depression like tonight (which is normal, considering it happens to everyone I know). I've dealt with it this long, and I don't know if getting rid of that relatively brief period of mood cycling would be worth potentially making the good parts of my life less enjoyable, not to mention that it would probably make me complacent with a boring life. I don't even know if any of that made sense.

-Sometimes I wish I could sleep forever.

I used to be such a burning example
I used to be so original
I used to care I was being cared for
And made sure I showed it to those that I love
I used to sleep without a single stir
Cause I was about my father's work

Take me out tonight
This ship of fools I’m on will sink
I’m my own stone around my neck
If you’d be my breath
There is nothing I wouldn't give

I used to pray like God was listening
I used to make my parents proud
I was the glue that kept my friends together
Now they don't talk and we don't go out
I used to know the name of every person I’d kissed
Now I’ve made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it

The sun is out, it melts the snow that fell yesterday - makes you wonder why it bothered

2008-03-30T13:58:00.002-05:00

I just had the best dream ever. I was at Super America, and for some reason Dane Cook was there. I started talking to him, and ended up giving him shit for an hour about being a huge joke thief in front of a bunch of people. Awesome.

I think I feel that meaningful post I said I'd write coming on soon. I was in the mood to write it while driving around last night, but it had passed by the time I got home. Later this week, maybe?

even my pen man ship
throws thoughts overboard
into a black ink sea

and how many thoughts perish
before they reach the page?
~Saul Williams

And don't say that I have changed, because man, of course I have

2008-02-27T00:32:00.004-06:00

One of these days I will write something meaningful. Until then, here is the only listenable demo out of the new music I'm working on. It still needs a lot of work, and I will probably write some lyrics and try and record vocals for it, but it sounds okay for a rough demo at the moment. Download and let me know what you think.

Horses are Terrible People

I'm going to Colorado
To unload my head
I'm going to New York City
And that's in New York, friends
I'm going to Arizona
Sex on the rocks all warm and red
And we bled
And the writing in the stall said
"We write our maps in the stalls"
I'm going up to Alaska
I'm going to get off scot-fuckin-free
And we all did

I don't feel and it feels great
I sold my atlas by the freight stairs
I do lines and I crossed roads
I crossed the lines of all the great state roads
I'm going up
Going over to Montana
You got yourself a trucker's atlas
You knew you were all hot, well
Maybe you'll go and blow a gasket
Start at the northwest corner
Go down through California
Beeline, you might drive three days
And three nights to the tip of Florida
~"Trucker's Atlas" by Modest Mouse

I'll dig a hole in my room, from Birmingham and back again for you

2008-02-21T23:47:00.004-06:00

I woke up a few days ago to find a message on my Facebook wall from... well, see for yourself. You'll find it after these lyrics.

Now the rainman gave me two cures,
Then he said, "Jump right in."
The one was Texas medicine,
The other was just railroad gin.
An' like a fool I mixed them
An' it strangled up my mind,
An' now people just get uglier
An' I have no sense of time.
Oh, Mama, can this really be the end,
To be stuck inside of Mobile
With the Memphis blues again.
~"Stuck Inside of Mobile With the Memphis Blues Again" by Bob Dylan

Dear Past Self,

This is yourself writing... FROM THE FUTURE! How can you be sure it's you (or... me?) from the future? SKRIB NEEWOH! Trust me, that will make sense when the time comes, and then you will know it's me. Anyway, I am writing with a message of utmost importance! Whatever you do, don't eat that cream cheese and flahargafish bagel for breakfast on June 25, 2012. It will save you from a few hours of the worst stomach discomfort you will ever feel, during which you won't be able to go out and buy your usual lottery ticket (you have developed a compulsive gambling habit at this point, even though you currently hate gambling) - the lottery ticket with the numbers you always use - three numbers of which will line up with the chosen numbers, winning you $100! So whatever you do, do not eat that bagel!

Anyway, take care.

With love,
Future you

Eternity is pressed against my eyelids
By brittle fists that I cannot avoid
And though each finger's grip has been relentless
The moments, they just keep on slipping by

And I am now aware that I
Haven't always had been at this moment
I've been sitting by the fire and blue, waiting for you
And though I've been expecting,
I have never quite accepted
That the fire will suddenly go out

The hands will fall away
The paint will peel
The trees will sadly sway
'Cause I'm scared that there's no answer
'cause I'm scared theres no dreamers
And in this life of mine, there is only time,
The illusion of which is gone
~"On the Threshold of Eternity" by The Snake The Cross The Crown

Tune the FM in to static and pretend that it's the sea...

2008-02-20T21:38:00.003-06:00

Why do some people think that because the Mayan calendar ends on December 21, 2012, that that is when the world is going to end? Why do people think there needs to be any significance to that date at all? I mean, of course the calendar came to an end. Were the Mayans supposed to keep working on the calendar forever? Just keep plotting stuff far off into the future? My guess is they probably thought we'd be long gone before 2012 anyway. Humans are notoriously bad at predicting the future - according to 1973, I should have a jetpack and be living in a dome on the moon with robot women that love me unconditionally. But no. I'm sitting in my basement here on crummy earth, alone. But this isn't about my complete lack of a love life. This is about the Mayans.

Here's what I think: some guy was working on the calendar. Then... he stopped. Why? Pick your reason - he died, he got bored, he got promoted, he got demoted, he scammed the calendar company out of a bunch of money through shifty tax methods and got sacrificed to... Olmec, or whatever. I personally think that the guy's wife divorced him, and his alcoholism kicked in which meant he was forced to stop work on the calendar. And since he was the only one who knew what he was doing, no one else could pick up where he left off.

Everybody's restless and they've got no place to go
Someone's always trying to tell them
Something they already know
So their anger and resentment flow

But don't it make you want to rock and roll
All night long
Mohammed's Radio
I heard somebody singing sweet and soulful
On the radio, Mohammed's Radio

You know, the Sheriff's got his problems too
He will surely take them out on you
In walked the village idiot and his face was all aglow
He's been up all night listening to Mohammed's Radio

Don't it make you want to rock and roll
All night long
Mohammed's Radio
I heard somebody singing sweet and soulful
On the radio, Mohammed's Radio

Everybody's desperate trying to make ends meet
Work all day, still can't pay the price of gasoline and meat
Alas, their lives are incomplete

Don't it make you want to rock and roll
All night long Mohammed's Radio
I heard somebody singing sweet and soulful
On the radio, Mohammed's Radio
~"Mohammed's Radio" by Warren Zevon

Rubber Soul

2008-02-19T18:58:00.003-06:00

In contrast to yesterday's post, this will just be a random thought I had while at work today. So here it is.

Before rubber was introduced in English-speaking countries (which was around 1770, according to Wikipedia), I wonder how people said something was "rubbery" (poorly cooked eggs, for example).

Beauty's just another word
I'm never certain how to spell
Go tell the nurse to turn the TV back on,
And throw away my misery
It never meant that much to me
It never sent a Get Well card

I broke, like a bad joke
Somebody's uncle told
At a wedding reception in 1972
Where a little boy under a table with cake in his hair
Stared at the grown-up feet as they danced and swayed
And his father laughed and talked on the long ride home
And his mother laughed and talked on the long ride home
And he thought about how everyone dies someday,
And when tomorrow gets here where will yesterday be
And fell asleep in his brand-new winter coat

Buy me a shiny new machine
That runs on lies and gasoline
And all those batteries we stole from smoke-alarms,
And disassembles my despair
It never took me anywhere
It never once bought me a drink.
~"Reconstruction Site" by The Weakerthans

And I Have Seen the World of Dreams

2008-02-18T22:35:00.003-06:00

Wish I could remember
why it mattered to me.
It doesn’t matter to me.
It doesn’t matter to me
anymore.
~"It Ends With a Fall" by Okkervil River

I have been awake since 1:30 yesterday afternoon. It is currently just past 11 PM. That means I have been awake for about 34 and a half hours, which is definitely the longest I have ever stayed awake. I planned on coming home from work today and trying to force myself to stay awake until at least 9:00 so my sleep schedule wasn't totally broken. However, I rarely felt tired throughout the day. I still don't really feel tired. I feel... disconnected, really. Disconnected from basically everything. It's a strange feeling, one that bothers me a little bit. Or at least, would bother me if I could feel bothered by anything. I think if I laid down in bed right now and shut my eyes, I would be asleep within minutes. I'm having no trouble staying awake right now, though, nor am I having any trouble typing this or even figuring out what to type. The words just seem to be flowing out of me, with me thinking them almost after my fingers type them. It's as though my fingers are typing, and there is a slight delay as my eyes read what my fingers have typed and then relay that information to my brain so it can quickly process it. For a while tonight I was actually worried I wouldn't be able to get to sleep again tonight, that I would go through another day without having slept. Now that I feel like I could fall asleep whenever I choose, though, part of me is interested in just how long I could stay up. I sort of think I could make it through tomorrow without a problem if I didn't go to sleep tonight, but then I think about how distant waking up 34 and a half hours ago seems right now, how distant my drive to work this morning seems, how distant playing Wii just an hour ago seems, and I wonder if I could really do it. One of my goals in life is to stay up for a week straight, and I'm strongly tempted to give that a shot right now, though this would probably be a bad time to do it as I have responsibilities (work) to worry about. Another one of my goals is to get on the Uberman sleep schedule, which is basically sleeping for 20 minutes every six hours, leaving you with 22 hours every day in which to be awake. I can't decide if trying that right now would make it easier to slip into that sleep schedule or would end up with disastrous results. I sort of think it might be easier to slip into that sleep schedule in my sleep deprived state, especially if it were true that I could make it through another day or two with no sleep relatively easily. Meh. I'm going to give in and go to sleep now, I think, since any other decision would be pretty stupid at this point. It'll be interesting to come back and read these ramblings in a regular state of mind tomorrow. They make perfect sense to me at the moment, but I wonder if I'm in some sort of altered state that will make this seem weird or nonsensical to the normal mind. It's true that you go crazy after a week or so of not sleeping, right? But isn't it also true that after not sleeping for a week, you feel no desire whatsoever to go back to sleep? Or are both urban legends?

Little needles of sodium unstitch the seams of the sky
~"The Velocity of Saul at the Time of His Conversion" by Okkervil River
I have some kind of beautiful obsession with those words, and I'm not really sure why. It seems like something out of a peaceful nightmare.

Shut up brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!

2008-02-18T03:12:00.000-06:00

I'm having one of those nights where I can't get to sleep because my brain won't shut up, most likely due to my considerable intake of caffeine a few hours ago after not consuming any for a while. I just had a random thought, which was this: I've always thought it would be cool if life had an undo button. This involves me doing something stupid, say, punching a cop in the face after getting pulled over for speeding, and then saying the magic words or doing the magic motions or whatever and basically going back in time a few seconds to right before I did that. On a side note, this power for some reason only affects the last thing I did - I never really planned it that way, or even thought about it till now, it just sort of happened. So I couldn't undo something that happened last week, only something that just happened. To use a Photoshop metaphor, it would be like hitting Ctrl+Z, but not being able to use the History at all. Anyway... so I was thinking about that for whatever reason, and then I thought, "What if once I undid something, I had no memory of what I undid?" Like, I knew I had the power, but beyond that I wouldn't even have any idea that I just undid something, much less what it was I undid. I have a feeling that, beyond the things I would do only because I had the power (like punching the cop in the face, stuff I would obviously never do normally), I would probably make one mistake, then undo it, then make the same mistake again because I didn't know I undid it, then undo it, then make the same mistake, then undo it, etc. And then my life wouldn't progress beyond that point at all. And then what? Like, tonight I thought, "What if I could go back in time and not drink all that Vault (oddly enough, this is the first time I've thought about using the power to go back more than a few seconds), but once I undid it, I wouldn't know that I had undone it - would I still drink all the Vault?" And I decided I probably would, and realized that without being able to retain the knowledge I learned from my mistakes, I would continue to make them over and over. And I wondered if this entirely hypothetical power would even be worth having. And then I decided to come on here and write about it because... why not? Also, while writing I decided a cool application of the power if I could remember everything and I could undo more than a few seconds would be using time to study or learn or whatever and then undoing that and playing Wii or watching a movie or something, all the while retaining the information I learned from the period of time I undid. Anyway, this got to be way longer than I planned. I'm sure tomorrow I'll wish I could undo all of this and spend the time trying to sleep instead. Oh well.

At twenty one you're on top of the scrapheap
At sixteen you were top of the class
All they taught you at school
Was how to be a good worker
The system has failed you, don't fail yourself

Just because you're better than me
Doesn't mean I'm lazy
Just because you're going forwards
Doesn't mean I'm going backwards
~"To Have and To Have Not" by Billy Bragg

I Make a Damn Fine Sandwich - or - The Best Meal I Ever Ate

2008-01-29T21:47:00.000-06:00

I have the house to myself for the week, and I had nothing to do tonight, so I decided to finally take Maddox's suggestion and make a damn fine sandwich. While I was at the store spending most of the money my parents left me on sandwich ingredients, I had the amazing idea to take photos as I made the sandwich, and then write a blog about it. So I did. (continued after the sidebar won't cover up the images anymore, since I'm too lazy to code everything properly)

Here are all the ingredients that went into making my sandwich and the soup that went with it. I bought most of them tonight, and I think it cost me like $25. So worth it.

The first slice of bread. A good way to start any sandwich, really.

Hard salami is tasty and full of fat. Doing good so far.

Muenster is easily the best sandwich cheese ever, even better than provolone. I ate the rind piece on its own, to fully enjoy it. I don't know what that orange stuff is, but it wins.

Between this and the soup, I think I used almost that whole bottle of Tabasco. Unfortunately, I should've used a bottle on each. Oh well.

Definitely should've used a whole heart, but oh well. Tasting the rest of the sandwich was good too.

I'm not really a fan of onions, but of course Maddox was right. They were great on this sandwich.

I forgot to put on the tomatoes first, so I took the onions off and put the tomatoes on, then put the onions back on, because I am a thinker.

I thought we had green olives at home, so I didn't buy any. Turns out we didn't. Black alone worked well enough, though.

Mmm... quality sandwich pickles, with extra garlic.

Like I was going to fry my own bacon. Tastes just as good out of the microwave as it does off the stove. I love bacon.

Turns out I could've used more than a teaspoon of vinegar, but better to be on the safe side.

All we had was light mayo. Meh.

The finished product. Should've been bigger. There's always next time.

That was a huge bowl of soup. And it won, even though it needed more Tabasco and lemon. Corn + clam chowder wins very hard, though.

The whole meal. Sandwich, soup, cheddar Pringles, and a can of Jones Berry Lemonade soda. Amazing.

I only had to compress it a little, which definitely means it wasn't big enough. There's always next time.

All gone.

Right after taking that last photo, I fell into a food coma.

All in all, it was the best meal I ever ate.

Soundtrack For My Life

2008-01-21T22:14:00.000-06:00

I've tried this a few times before, always with terrible results. I tried it again tonight because Tim did it, and it was awesome. I used a list with a few more songs on it than him. It failed very hard the first time through (I had a song by Steven Seagal on there... I mean, seriously, total crap), but I gave it another shot, and it turned out really well. The idea to write the story was also stolen from Tim, of course.

Opening Credits:
"Philosophy of Time Travel" - Donnie Darko Soundtrack

The camera starts out in space, slowly panning to reveal the earth. It hovers there for a moment before beginning to zoom in (think that scene from Contact, only in reverse). Eventually, it's showing my house from the outside. The door opens, and my dad walks out. The camera moves past him as he closes the door and through the kitchen, where my mom and sister are sitting. It goes down the steps into the basement, where the sound of...

Waking Up:
"A Walk in the Park" - Dogger

...can be heard faintly heard. As the camera gets closer to my door, the new song gets louder and the first fades out, until the camera stops right outside my door where the sound is almost deafening. The door is ajar, and through it I can be seen rousing from my sleep to turn the computer on so I can shut off the horribly annoying song I use to wake myself up in the morning. I get ready to leave, and the scene cuts to...

First Day At School:
"At the Blue Gates of Death" - Current 93

...the first day of my senior year of high school. The first school scene from Donnie Darko is ripped off, but with this song playing instead of "Head Over Heels". We see both my friends and the people I don't particularly care for going about their usual business.

Average Day:
"Station" - Meat Puppets

Time passes, friends are introduced, characters are developed, this is the song that fades in and out as a Friday is spent cutting class to hang out with friends. While walking out of a movie theater after seeing a horror movie, I overhear someone discussing whether or not Evil Dead II is a direct sequel to Evil Dead. I turn to see a girl trying to make the case that Evil Dead II is a re-envisioning of the first movie, which I vehemently disagree with. I proceed to get into an argument with this girl (whose name I find out to be Molly) about this, and I know we are made for each other. I ask her if she would like to further discuss it at a later date, and she agrees.

First Date:
"Stitches" - Orgy

We hang out all day the next day, and we hit it off very well. A friend of hers is having a party that night, so we go. She gets me drunk for the first time, and thus begins our dysfunctional relationship.

Falling in Love:
"I'm Free (Live at Leeds)" - The Who

Things are good for a while, however, and I feel happier than ever before. We spend all of our time together, so much so that I never see any of my friends anymore. I see one of them at another party Molly has brought me to, and we get into an argument about how I never spend time with him anymore. We've both been drinking quite a bit, so things quickly get physical.

Fight Song:
"Liquid City 17-1-95" - Merzbow

My head fills with sheer white noise, and I begin to attack my friend. Unfortunately, I am far drunker than him, and he beats me pretty soundly. Molly tries to help me, but I am angry and drunk, and I blame her for all of this. She gets very mad, and gets a calls one of her friends for a ride home. I clean myself up as best I can, and pass out in the basement of the house the party is at.

Breaking Up:
"Anything Right" - P.O.D.

I call Molly the next day to tell her I think we should break up. She agrees, and I swear off drinking.

Life's Okay:
"Napoleon's Hat" - Bright Eyes

I patch things up with my friends, and life is good for a while. In the back of my mind, Molly is always there, however, even though in retrospect I see how selfish she was, always needing to get her way in the relationship. She was also the source of my drinking, it seems, since I only drank while I was with her. I do my best to balance my current good mood with the knowledge that eventually something bad will happen, because that's how life goes.

Getting Back Together:
"Gardenhead/Leave Me Alone" - Neutral Milk Hotel

Towards the end of the school year, a friend of mine is having a big party. I attend, of course, and who should show up but Molly? I immediately start drinking again, the first time since we had broken up. As the night wears on, I realize I'm still in love with her despite everything. I go over to talk to her when she is standing alone and apologize for the past. She apologizes as well, and we spend the rest of the night talking. We end up deciding to get back together, and as prom is coming up and neither of us have dates, I ask her if she wants to skip prom with me and spend the night together like we had talked about doing while we were still going out. She agrees.

Prom:
"Homeward Angel (Long)" - Moby

We spend the night driving around and talking and listening to music. We stop driving to watch the sun come up, and then I take her home. The next few months pass wonderfully, though I have slipped back into drinking. My friends tell me she is being selfish and manipulating me again, but I ignore them. Eventually I propose to her, and she accepts.

Wedding:
"47" - Sunny Day Real Estate

We decide to elope, since there's no way our families could afford to pay for a wedding. We manage to convince the reverend at Shotgun Pete's to play this song during our "service", as I feel it sums up my feelings for Molly perfectly. The service is over before the song is, but we refuse to leave the altar until the song ends. Our life as a married couple is great, and we both even quit drinking for some time, until...

Birth of a Child:
"I Lost All My Money At the Cock Fights (Demo Version)" - Minus the Bear

...Molly gets pregnant. We never wanted to have kids, but my contraception happened to fail once, and she got pregnant. Neither of us felt right aborting it, and said she refused to put it up for adoption. I withdrew quite a bit during her pregnancy, and went back to spending more time with my friends than at home with my pregnant wife. I go to a party one night, and begin to drink pretty heavily again. I meet a very attractive girl, and we begin talking.

Partying:
"I Don't Wanna Hear It" - Minor Threat

I put on a mix of 80s hardcore punk I'd made, and it turns out she loves old punk rock. We end up leaving together to go back to her place.

Driving:
"The Artist in the Ambulance" - Thrice

The only problem is, we are both pretty drunk and it's raining. However, I drove, so I decide we have to take my car. On the way to her place I run a red light, and end up getting in a really bad accident. I wake up in an ambulance, and then pass out again.

Mental Breakdown:
"Divine Letdown" - No Use For A Name

I wake up in the hospital the next day to find out that the girl I was with died in the accident. Molly is very mad at me for cheating, and tells me that she actually got pregnant by my best friend. We get divorced, and I have a complete mental breakdown. I reject everything - Molly, my friends, my family, God.

Regretting:
"Two Months From a Year" - 36 Crazyfists

Alone and embittered, I cut myself off from everyone. I spend most nights getting drunk. Molly calls me up one night, saying that my best friend has rejected her as well and wanting to get back with me, but I tell her off, saying she deserves it because she made me feel the same way throughout our relationship, that I can finally be myself now that I'm alone. She hangs up in anger, and I immediately regret it, wishing I could be back with her.

Long Night Alone:
"Naked in the Afternoon" - Jandek

I call her back time after time until she finally answers and tells me she never wants to speak to me again. I spiral into a depression, and spend the next few days laying in a completely dark room, drinking and listening to the most depressing records I own, including a lot of Jandek albums.

Flashback:
"Quiet Days" - A Coarse Expression

I put on a depressing mixtape I made, and begin to think about my life as the first track plays. I am deeply saddened by the way it has gone so far, and decide that it won't get any better.

Death Scene:
"Jesus Gonna Be Here" - Tom Waits

I decide then to take a bunch of Xanax and continue drinking. The last song on the mixtape finished just as I begin to finally pass out. In my drowsy, numbed state I feel the song speaking to me, and cry out to God to forgive me. I hear the opening notes of the saddest album I own "Horses in the Sky" by A Silver Mt. Zion just as I begin to slip off for the last time.

Funeral Song:
"Ring Them Bells (Freedom Has Come and Gone)" - A Silver Mt. Zion

Molly and my best friend are the only people who show up to my funeral, and they only do so out of a sense of guilt. They decide to play the last album that I listened to as a way of sending me off, and they weep bitterly as the last song roars out of existence.

End Credits:
"In a Sweater Poorly Knit" - mewithoutYou

A montage of my life begins as "In a Sweater Poorly Knit" plays in the background. It ends with a close up of my tombstone, the epitaph of which reads "I do not exist, only You exist". Then, a cut to black.

So, there you go. Sorry for the depressing nature of this story. I didn't initially plan for it to go like this, I had wanted it to be funny. But I just started writing, and it kept getting more depressing as it went on, so I decided to go all out and make it as dark as I could.

God, my God, where exactly have You been?

2007-08-02T22:18:00.000-05:00

When I took the blame
We laid in ruins trying to quote your phrase
We're yelling, "Someone's got the answers,
but I'd rather think there's nothing to be found!!"

If you knew I was dying would it change you?
~"I Can Barely Breathe" by The Manchester Orchestra

I've been thinking a lot about the 35W bridge collapsing since yesterday, specifically how it fits in with my faith and what I believe. Of course, I've had plenty of opportunity to think about how disasters fit into my faith before, but because I'm selfish, and none of them ever affected me personally, I never gave it a whole lot of thought. Now, however, I wonder why God... I don't even know how to finish this sentence, because I don't know if God allows these things to happen or causes these things to happen... or is even further removed than that. Is he so far removed from disasters that we can't even say he allowed them to happen? Saying he allowed them to happen implies that he had the opportunity to step in or considered stepping in or something (of course, I think he always has the opportunity, and I don't know that he has to consider anything, but going down that route would take far too long), but what if he just sat idly by and let the world sort of take care of itself? I mean, I know he cares about us and loves us, but does that necessarily mean that he has a hand in the way the world itself works? But then, if he does love us and care about us, how could he sit idly by while things like this happen? Or worse, how could he actively choose not to participate in preventing the collapse of the bridge, or at the very least saving those who were present while the bridge collapsed? Worse still, what if he caused it to happen? If God is in control, does that mean he forced the bridge to collapse? But what would be the benefit in that? I don't think that a loving God would cause the bridge to fall, so that leaves us with him allowing it to happen or apathetically sitting by while it did happen. And while both of those are terrible thoughts, still it doesn't seem right that God would give us everything and keep us safe all the time. I can't explain why I believe that, but deep down, I do. If God kept us all safe all the time, it seems to me that we really wouldn't need heaven, and then what would be the point of him creating earth and putting us on it? And I don't think God could just allow the world to take care of itself, while he sat by and did nothing, because he loves us... so then he could've intervened and chose not to for some reason that I don't think any of us will be able to figure out. And yet that seems like such a terrible thought, that God could decide not to help us out when he was fully capable... I don't know.

There's a whispering in my ear,
Soft but getting stronger,
Telling me the only purpose of my being here
Is to stay a bit longer.
~"Four Word Letter (pt. 2)" by mewithoutYou

And yet... I very easily could've been on that bridge, along with a friend of mine. We were going to a concert, and I left 15 minutes later than I wanted to. To make a long story short, we ended up on the bridge running parallel to the point at which 35W collapsed, somewhere between 10 and 15 minutes after it happened. Had we left at my originally intended time, there's a chance I might not be here writing this right now. I'm sure many of you will chalk this up to coincidence, and I am strongly tempted to do the same. However, and this may be simply because I was there and can't look at things objectively, I feel that God may have had some hand in this. There were a handful of circumstances that occurred last night that not only prevented us from being on the bridge when it collapsed, but also kept us from getting caught in the massive group of cars that was caught on the bridge next to where it collapsed. We were on our way to see The Manchester Orchestra, and once we were there and the band started playing, I definitely felt something that I think was God's presence. I'm sure I will be thinking about this a lot for some time, because over the past couple weeks I've been trying to figure out how much direct influence God... allows himself, I guess... in the lives of individuals and in the world as a whole. I will probably never know the answer, but it's going to be in my thoughts even more now than it was before.

A disaster's a disaster no matter what Christian language you drag it through
~"Wolves At Night" by The Manchester Orchestra

First post in forever

2007-05-17T22:42:00.000-05:00

Loosen the wire, your time has expired
The only word left is "goodbye"
In my new dream a light's shining on me
Little needles of sodium unstitch the seams of the sky

Hold your head higher, the heavenly choir
Is settling in for the night
And where I had friends, I am left with loose ends
Four hours of vision exchanged for four hours of fright
~"The Velocity of Saul at the Time of His Conversion" by Okkervil River

There's this recurring thing in Fight Club where the narrator has insomnia, and he feels like a copy, of a copy, of a copy...

I don't think I have insomnia, but I feel like that sometimes. I feel like that right now. It's the worst at night. It makes me want to stay home and watch television comedies until I fall asleep, so I don't risk thinking about anything or going outside. Because if I feel this way and I go out into the night, the night seems so much darker, like that kind of night-dark you only get in dreams, the suffocating kind, the kind that presses in on you from every direction. I expect the sky to suddenly rip open, and a sickly, vomitous orange light to spew out, and that is when I would see that this life is nothing more than a dream, floating out in the middle of nothingness, like when you're playing a computer game and you go out beyond the walls into the infinity and look back in on the world and see that it's just a small blip in the middle of all the nothing that surrounds it. And I would move on up into the next layer of the dream, another world, but that would be fake as well, just another in a series of neverending levels of dreams. Eventually I would die and end up in heaven for eternity, except at the end of eternity even heaven would dissipate and I would move up into the next level of the dream. I would continually pick away at the threads of the dream fabric that surrounds everything, until I had unraveled all that is and all that never existed and ground it to dust under my feet and then inhaled that dust so that all of everything and nothing was inside me and then I would choke and sputter and die, and in doing so cough up all the universes I had inhaled and start everything anew, where I would eventually be reborn and this cycle would repeat itself forever and ever until time's end, at which point I would cease to think and therefore cease to exist and finally be at peace.

Sometimes I wish I were a cat.

New Year's

2007-01-01T02:21:00.000-06:00

For the third year in a row, I am keeping my own personal New Year's tradition of sitting in my basement, listening to the same three songs on repeat, and it's painfully clear to me how nothing changes. I am the same person I was 365 days ago, and I hate it.

It's New Years Eve and I'm full of empty promises,
I half pretend to keep this time, just like last year.
The band is loud and I'm wandering the shadows,
wishing I was never here.
I persevere.
A crowded room, these whitewashed tombs,
they raise their glasses high, they kiss the past goodbye.

This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow.
My heart is on my sleeve,
and yes I still believe, this New Years Eve,
will turn out better than before,
I'm holding on, still holding out,
until they close the door... on me.

It's New Years Eve and I feel my insecurities,
are haunting me like ghosts, this sinking quicksand.
And then with thunderous praise and lofty adoration,
a second passes by, yet nothing changes.
I hate my skin, this grave I'm standing in.
Another change of years, and I wish I wasn't here.

A year goes by and I'm staring at my watch again,
and I dig deep this time,
for something greater than I've ever been,
life to ancient wineskins.
And I was blind but now I see.

This New Years Eve, something must change me inside,
I'm crooked and misguided, and tired of being tired.
This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow.
My heart is on my sleeve, and yes I still believe, in You.
~"New Year's Eve" - Five Iron Frenzy

I’m crying out to You now
As I make my New Year’s vow
I’ll tell You I love You
And I’ll honor You somehow
~"Vow" - Kutless

A long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
Now the days go by so fast
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...I wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it's one more day up in the canyons
And it's one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California...I think you should
Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it's one more day up in the canyon
And it's one more night in Hollywood
It's been so long since I've seen the ocean...I guess I should
~"A Long December" - Counting Crows

Happy Wii Day!

2006-11-19T15:07:00.000-06:00

Happy Wii Day, everyone. Now excuse me while it takes over my life for the next month or six. But first, I am going to go to sleep right now, at 3 PM, because I have been awake since about 9 or 9:30 yesterday. That's right, I have been awake for about 30 hours. It's great times.

Everyone who pretended to like me is gone

2006-09-21T08:44:00.000-05:00

So I forgot Tuesday was National Talk Like a Pirate Day until I went to the bank yesterday and the teller asked me if I had a good Pirate Day. Somehow I manage to forget every year, and that saddens me. I'd write more, but I have to finish some homework and then pack, for my father and I are going up the country and we leave when I get home from school this afternoon. I am finally updating my music blog, by the way. I just uploaded everything by one of my new favorite comedians, Eugene Mirman. I'll upload a couple other albums before the day is out. Okay, good bye.

PS:

This is the best book I've read in a long time. It's by Mel Brooks' son. His new book, World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War came out on Tuesday. You should all go buy both of them.

And am I born to die?
And lay this body down?
And as my trembling spirits fly
Into a world unknown

A land of deeper shade
Unpierced by human thought
The dreary region of the dead
Where all things are forgot

Soon as from earth I go
What will become of me?
Eternal happiness or woe
Must then my fortune be

Waked by the trumpet´s sound
I from my grave shall rise
And see the Judge with glory crowned
And see the flaming skies
~"Idumaea" - Current 93

If I stepped out of my body, I would break into blossom

2006-08-12T01:56:00.000-05:00

Loosen the wire, your time has expired,
the only word left is "goodbye."
In my new dream the light's shining on me;
little needles of sodium unstitch the seams of the sky.

Hold your head higher, the heavenly choir
is settling in for the night,
and where I had friends, I am left with loose ends;
four hours of vision exchanged for four hours of fright.

But enough of "the fight,"
enough "you and I,"
enough of "prevail" or "walk in the light."
While the angels stand by I get high as a kite.
I'm too tired to smile
or know that I'm right.
Am I right?

And all our best-laid plans, well, they crumbled in our hands;
the Progress of Man.
You held in your breath long after projections of death,
you sat in the waiting room rasping and gasped for a fan.

But the audience is tired; we've had enough fire,
we're entering the age now of ice.
And I, feeling older, pull off to the shoulder
and wonder, with my head in my hands, should I call my wife

and say "enough 'you and I,'
enough of 'the fight,'
enough of 'prevail' or 'walk in the light.'
While the angels stand by I get high as a kite.
I'm too tired to smile
or know that I'm right."

And when the spacecraft came down
I was left on the ground.
Will you keep me around,
will you help me survive
after my time?
~"The Velocity of Saul at the Time of His Conversion" - Okkervil River

Gold teeth and a curse for this town were all in my mouth.
Only, I don't know how they got out, dear.
Turn me back into the pet that I was when we met.
I was happier then with no mind-set.

And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, I'd 'a jumped from my tree
And I'd a danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

New slang when you notice the stripes, the dirt in your fries.
Hope it's right when you die, old and bony.
Dawn breaks like a bull through the hall,
Never should have called
But my head's to the wall and I'm lonely.

And if you'd 'a took to me like
A gull takes to the wind.
Well, I'd 'a jumped from my tree
And I'd a danced like the king of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.

God speed all the bakers at dawn may they all cut their thumbs,
And bleed into their buns 'till they melt away.

I'm looking in on the good life I might be doomed never to find.
Without a trust or flaming fields am I too dumb to refine?
And if you'd 'a took to me like
Well I'd a danced like the queen of the eyesores
And the rest of our lives would 'a fared well.
~"New Slang" - The Shins

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say
I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived 'til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived 'til I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years
But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived 'til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
~"I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You" - Colin Hay

Hope there's someone who'll take care of me
When I die, Will I go?
Hope there's someone who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired
There's a ghost on the 'rizon
When I go to bed
How can I fall asleep at night
How will I rest my head?
Oh I'm scared of the middle place
Between light and nowhere
I don't want to be the one
Left in there, left in there
There's a man on the 'rizon
Wish that I'd go to bed
If I fall to his feet tonight
Will allow rest my head?
So here's hoping I will not drown
Or paralyze in light
And godsend I don't want to go
To the seal's watershed
Hope there's someone who'll take care of me
When I die, Will I go?
Hope there's someone who'll set my heart free
Nice to hold when I'm tired
~"Hope There's Someone" - Antony and the Johnsons

once upon
and once up high
a dandy dream
what means to die?

Things to come as life goes by
the core of human equation
tetragram present a sign
a sign to save your eyes

(turn around, i'd like to know you)

everywhere and every why
the answer lay beyond the sky
faster than the seven satellites
past on to the place we go to

(i learned to read)

to write to count your primes
and earthly education
Climb the tree of life in hopes to find
The mid-space time dilation

on a mansion world
the roles reverse
A slave becomes the master
on a mansion world
the souls converse
and life moves a little faster
we unify the universe
to arrive in the ever after
on a mansion world
i might like to know you

now and then
it comes to mind
i draw upon along lost time
(so don't ask me why the angels won't cry cause you know what i've already told you)

memories of urantia girls
They race around my brain in swirls
(never ask me why the changes in the sky bring you upwards towards the hole that you go through)

and now you're off your time to die
prepare for the divine invasion
as the spirits rise through out your minds
ascent of the cosmic nations

on a mansion world
the roles reverse
A slave becomes the master
on a mansion world
the souls converse
and life moves a little faster
we unify the universe
to arrive in the ever after
on a mansion world
i might like to know you

you urantia girl
everythings below you

on a mansion world
the roles reverse
A slave becomes the master
on a mansion world
the souls converse
and life moves a little faster
we unify the universe
to arrive in the ever after
on a mansion world
i might like to know you

once upon
and once up high
a dandy dream
what means to die?
~"Mansion World" - Deadsy

I like lyrics. There will probably be more to come.

Saccharin, Caffeine, and Dramamine

2006-08-09T23:29:00.000-05:00

Don't see this movie:

Despite what everyone on the Internet (including Roger Ebert) will tell you, it is terrible. If you want to know why, read the really long post I made here.

Hey, I've got nothin' to do today but smile

2006-08-09T02:03:00.000-05:00

Okay, put on some headphones and listen to this. I have no idea how it works, but it's amazing. It's something called Holophonic Sound, and it will blown your brain out the back of your skull.

The Age of Reptiles Is Upon Us

2006-08-02T03:09:00.000-05:00

Which means the new Showbread album came out today, and you should all go buy it. Or at least listen to the whole thing here. If you run out and buy it this week, then either e-mail the band a picture of the receipt or bring it to a show, you will be "rewarded in a grand way. a very grand way", in the words of the band. Showbread.net for more info. Another incentive to buy it soon is that there are lyric misprints in one of the songs, and the track listing on the back of the case is slightly off. The next pressing of the album will fix those mistakes, which means that you'll have an extra awesome, rare copy if you buy it now.

Also, more people should go see Showbread with me on the 14th of August. It will be a sweet, sweet show.

So many shows, so little money

2006-07-10T16:06:00.000-05:00

Monday August 7
A Silver Mt. Zion (18+)
The Varsity Theater
8 PM
$12.00 + $2.50 Convenience Fee

Friday August 14
Showbread, The Finalist, Paulson , Kingston (AA)
Club 3 Degrees
Doors @ 6:30, Show @ 7:30
$8/$10

Tuesday August 18
Kids in the Way (AA)
Club 3 Degrees
Doors @ 6:30, Show @ 8
$10/$12

Tuesday August 18
Haste the Day, Scary Kids Scaring Kids, August Burns Red, Inhale Exhale (AA)
The Quest Club
Doors @ 6:30, Show @ 7
$12

Tuesday September 5
M. Ward (18+?)
The Varsity Theater
Doors @ 8, Show @ 9
$13

Vote on which shows I should attend. Go! Also, people should attend them with me.

Little needles of sodium unstitch the seams of the sky

2006-07-10T02:04:00.000-05:00

I watched Mulholland Drive for the third time tonight. I still have no idea what it's about or what happens in the movie, but I highly suggest that you see it. For having almost no coherent plot whatsoever, it's amazing the range of emotions it evokes. There is one scene in that movie that scares me more than anything I've ever seen in any of the hundreds of horror movies I've seen. Not to say that Mulholland Drive is a horror movie, because it isn't. Just see it. Make sure you watch it straight through, though, because it's not nearly as good if you stop in the middle of it.

Another thing you should try is obtaining a copy of Black One by the band Sunn O))) and a decent sound system with a subwoofer (if you can't get a subwoofer, don't even bother). Turn the stereo up so that it's as loud as you can listen to it without being painful, then turn it up one more notch. Put the album in, start the album, then lay on the floor next to the subwoofer until the album is over. This works best in a completely dark room.If you can't handle the whole album, just listen to the last track. If that's still too much, listen to about the 8 or 9 minute mark at least. If you don't leave that experience with a new understanding of music and sound, there is something wrong with you.

The more I see the less I know, the more I like to let it go

2006-06-17T20:40:00.000-05:00

Stolen from my MySpace bulletin. Yes, I realize it links back to itself. I am too lazy to care.

Yes... I leave for Kosovo at 7 PM tomorrow. If for some reason you'd like to keep up with what goes on over there, there are a few ways to do so.

1. The Kosovo Group Blog should be updated daily by our youth pastor Micah, as well as random updates from various members of the team. I may make some posts there, although I might also make some posts over at...

2. My Blog. If I do make posts in both places, you can expect the ones on the group blog to be more general, whereas the ones on my blog will probably be the usual, more personal posts I tend to write.

3. You can also send a blank e-mail to list@kosova06.com with the subject line "Subscribe News@Kosova06.com". There will probably be daily updates to this as well.

Anyway, have fun whilst I am gone and all that. See you in two weeks.

Vomit yourself into the social shining spotlight.

2006-06-04T20:14:00.000-05:00

I like comments.

That is all.

This is a happy day indeed

2006-05-29T04:25:00.000-05:00

The new Zao album leaked. I will let you know the exact degree of awesomeness it has attained after I wake up and listen to it 16 times in a row tomorrow.

Late night randomness

2006-05-29T02:32:00.000-05:00

I needs some help! I realized earlier tonight that I have an irrational fear of haunted house rides at sleazy carnivals, but I can't find a word for that phobia! There's nothing even close to it. So, if you can find a word for it or something like it (Coulrophobia isn't close enough), I will give you something shiny.

Slow down this is slippin' through my mind,
this conversation has run out of time.
Honey I know you know what I mean,
and that's the one thing that you soon will find.
"F.C.P.R.E.M.I.X." by The Fall of Troy

On a completely random note, I guess there are songs/videos from Showbread, Staple, and Pillar in the new Lindsay Lohan movie, "Just My Luck". Or at least, there is a few seconds of Showbread's video for "Mouth Like A Magazine" in it, because it says so on Showbread's website. I read on Pillar's myspace or something that Pillar and Staple are in it somewhere too. Too bad Lindsay Lohan is still anorexic, because those bands might be almost enough to get me to rent the movie when it comes out to watch it with the director's commentary to see why they chose to use those bands in a lame romantic comedy for twelve year old girls. As it stands, however, I can't even look at Lindsay Lohan anymore without being horribly disappointed at how unattractive she is now.

And I don't understand why I sleep all day,
and I start to complain when there is no rain

I don't believe in miracles but I believe in you
Now I can't wait 'til I can sleep in late
Maybe I'll miss you then
With no garden to tend

I am your gardener!?! Oh no (what have I done)
"China White" by He Is Legend

On a closing note, my new job at Canterbury is pretty crappy. Tips and free Dr. Pepper are about the only good parts. I need another job really soon. Hopefully the Electric Fetus is hiring, because at the moment working there is my dream job. DiscLand or Know Name Records wouldn't be bad either. I'd even work at CD Warehouse... I just want to work in a friggin' record shop. That would make my life. Well, that, and being jumped by Christopher and Jenessa while fighting off zombies with a shotgun as Jeff Mangum plays "Two-Headed Boy" right next to me.

I am not a prophet or a teacher
I am a failure of God
Standing in a circle of my brothers
Their fangs out
Every thing I had I gave to you
Every time I tried I would lose
It's hard not to shake with a gun in your mouth
Every time I try I hear my mother's voice
And see my mother's eyes
But when hers close I'm scared so will mine
You are no brothers
Filing out the church of Cain
Like a thousand foot pious snake
Hiding its sins deep in its stomach
Digesting them one at a time
And your voice is a sounding trumpet
Announcing the mountains that you've moved
But love is the farthest thing from you
"It's Hard Not to Shake With a Gun in Your Mouth" by Zao

Urban life decays

2006-05-19T21:52:00.000-05:00

Earlier today, I was enjoying some Zao, Demon Hunter, and Agony Scene music by headbanging and moshing with the air around my house like most normal people do. I was feeling 99% better beforehand, but afterwards, I felt dehydrated, nauseous, and a little dizzy. Assuming it was just because I was still a little sick, I drank some water, took some DayQuil caplets, and went off to my afternoon English class. The nausea and dizziness came and went until about 5:00, when I got back from taking my sister out to her Confirmation retreat. I sat down in front of my computer, and suddenly the back of my head started to hurt for no reason, and I almost passed out. I went upstairs, feeling dizzy and nauseous in an entirely different, non-dehydrated way, and told my mom what was going on. At this point, I was absolutely freaking out. I had no idea what was happening, and that scared the living daylights out of me.

I laid on the couch until my dad got home a few minutes later, and we debated as to whether or not I should go to urgent care. I started feeling better, but that hardly lasted before my body again threatened to pass out. At this point, I was convinced I was going to die. And no, that's not an exaggeration. I honestly thought that today was going to be my last day on earth. I figured the best-case scenario was that I'd fall into a coma until my body gave out. My parents decided urgent care probably wasn't a bad idea, so off we went. Over the next hour and a half or so, I deviated between being as calm as I could be under the circumstances, and believing that a blood vessel was going to burst in my brain at any second.

Finally, I got called back to see the doctor, and after asking me a few questions and doing a couple random tests, he told me I have Labyrinthitis. I've never heard of it either, but I am not making it up. You can look it up if you'd like. It turns out that my sinuses drained into my inner ear, which threw off my balance and caused the vertigo and nausea. The fluid probably drained in there because of my headbanging and whatnot. The doctor gave me some antibiotics that will help dry out the fluid, as well to help with the vertigo and nausea.

When I got home, I decided to look up my new found disease on Wikipedia, where I discovered that the first effect most people feel from Labyrithitis is, get this: panic attacks. I also discovered that patients who are able to deal with and/or defeat the panic attacks recover faster than those who don't. Thank God my parents and I decided to go out there tonight, or else I probably would have spent the rest of the night thinking I was going to die, which is one of the worst things I've ever felt. Vertigo + Panic Attacks + Random Headaches = Not Good Times. So, the moral of the story is... don't headbang when you have a cold... or something. You figure it out.

On a semi-related note, I found out today that Zao is posting a song from their new album each week until it comes out on June 13th. This week's song is called Physician Heal Thyself, which in retrospect, is rather fitting. www.zaoonline.com to download it and watch a video of Dan talking about what the song means. The song itself is, after 15 or so listens, looking like it might end up being one of my favorite Zao songs.

Physician heal thyself
Can you cut yourself precise and deep
As to reach in and remove whats dying inside of you

A colossus of irony

Physician heal thyself
With great intelligence and experience
Can you prescribe a way not to die alone

We are not what we are

The structure deconstructing
Arrogance and blasphemy
There are no controls
Like the unfornuate patient
The physician dies sick and alone
~"Physician Heal Thyself" by Zao

Slow motion, see me let go

2006-05-18T22:07:00.000-05:00

I started writing a post last night, when for no reason at all my Internet crapped out and refused to work. I will post what I had written, and then probably write something entirely different and unrelated. I just didn't want a good paragraph go to waste. The stuff in between the next two lyric quotes will be what I wrote last night.

Now my nights consist of two toothpicks and eyelids, a crucifix and vitamins, music that is pirated, new flavored food made of mutated hybrids
~"Slow Down Gandhi" by Sage Francis

I will kick this off by letting you know that my face hurts, which I think has something to do with the fact that I've been sick since Saturday night. It might also have something to do with me sleeping 17 out of the last 24 hours. These past few days have been kind of weird. The majority of the time, I feel like I'm in some state between being awake and dreaming, which I'm sure is due to some combination of me being sick, taking NyQuil and like two different sinus pills, running on caffeine, and subsequently having the caffeine wear off. This time of year always puts me in a weird state of mind, even more so now, I think, because I'll be done with high school in about two and a half weeks, and I just have a feeling I'll end up screwing myself over with college somehow. I'll also get really depressed, and then the next minute will be absolutely ecstatic, both for really no reason. I spend a lot of time aimlessly driving around, between like 11 PM and 1 or 2 AM, usually while listening to one of my depressing mixtapes.

After years with their crown on my head,
I’ve grown overfed, unconcerned and comfortably numb
Kept busy indulging in the pleasures of the wealthy.
(Oh, someone make me afraid of what I’ve become!)
At the first sign of possible sorrow I’ll turn my heel and run.
(Oh, I’ll never learn!)
My life's a cup of sugar I borrowed before time began and forgot to return.
~"January 1979" by mewithoutYou

So anyway, that was that. Yes, this time of year does crazy things to me. I think way too much about stupid crap. Mostly emo stuff, death and whatnot. I almost thought, "Man, I need a girlfriend" but managed to catch it before it was too late. But seriously, sometimes I think a girlfriend would be a pretty sweet deal. I hung out with Molly last weekend, but nothing's going to come of that for a while, since she has that boyfriend she doesn't even like but won't break up with. Bah. Retarted.

i need the kind of girl that knows a girl that
likes to wear my clothes somone who always
buys me coke someone who laughs at all my
jokes that's the girl that i want to see fall in love
with me that's the girl that i long to know oh
how i love her so i'm looking for a girl who
writes me songs and talks to Jesus all day long
and the way she does her hair no one else
can compare i'll probably meet her at a show
when i look at her i'll know that she's the
perfect one for me and with her i will always
be the one for me
~"Want Ad" by MxPx

See what I mean? I've also been thinking a lot about how I'm going to pay for college and what I want to do with my life and when and where I'm going to work and a million other things pertaining to life after school. So, the same things I was thinking about the last time I wrote a real entry. I've also been straying from God again (big surprise there, no?), and of course my life is a bajillion times worse when I'm not spending time each and every day with God. And really, it's almost amazing how quickly I've gotten to the point where I can talk about that with about as much interest as I would tell someone the time of day. Good old apathy, back again to convince me that just about anything is more interesting than that devotional book and my Bible. I waste countless hours a day reading and re-reading stuff about music and movies, but I can't take 30 or 45 minutes out of my day to read a devotional and my Bible and write a little bit about it, even though doing so will benefit me more than pretty much anything else I could do. I'd almost say I hate my laziness and my severe lack of committment to my faith, if I wasn't so apathetic about the whole thing. I would say I hated so much of the way I live, so many of the things I do, so many of the words I say, the things I watch, the things I laugh at, the things I think about, the things I listen to, if only... if only I could bring myself to care, even a little. Writing is supposed to be cathartic, at least, it's always been a form of catharsis for me, and yet I feel pretty much nothing as I sit here and write what I feel (or really, what I don't feel) for anyone who stumbles on this thing to read.

"Oh, doubters, let's go down, let's go down
won't you come on down, oh doubters, let's go down , down to the river to pray?
'But I'm so small I can barely be seen
How can this great love be inside of me?'
Look at your eyes - they're small in size, but they see enormous things."
~"Four Word Letter (Part Two)" by mewithoutYou

Everything seems so trivial and unimportant unless it directly pertains to me and what will make me happy, which makes me selfish, and once again, I can say that with little sense of remorse. I know that should be sad or something, but I have a hard time feeling like it is. God, this is so frustrating... and now I might be getting somewhere. Frustration is more than I've been feeling about the sinful sides of me recently, and that has to be a start of some sort. Feeling frustrated that I don't feel anything about my sin seems to be a small start, though. I still have a long, long ways to go, I think.

But in all of Israel, father did you see someone who seeks himself so perfectly,
The Pharisees would be content at the sight of me,
The snakes would wrap around me and we’d dance across the sea,
To ridicule you there and to spit upon your face,
Unsheathe this wicked tongue, and invite disgrace,
Isn’t that the goal that I’ve always pursued?
While I beg you, lord to be used for you

Under a light in Bethlehem I was sifting through the sand,
The saline burned my eyes, I was looking for your hand,
I gave up on myself, and left this pride disarmed,
I cried out “I’m alone!” and found myself in your arms

Rest in me oh my love,
I have loved you before the world began,
Rest in me oh my love,
You will never to wander too far to reach my hand,
Did they not murder you?
Did they not see you die?
Hanging on a tree as the life had left your eyes,
Did we not torture you?
Smiling as you died,
Or is it that you killed death itself, and now you are alive?
~"And the Smokers and Children Shall Be Cast Down" by Showbread

Once again, writing and music have proven themselves amazing forms of catharsis. Within the last few minutes, through writing and searching for some good lyrics to post, I've started to feel some regret for the way I've been living. Now I pray that this will last, not the regret so much as the awareness of what is wrong in my life and my amazingly infinite need for God's infinite love... which I just realized. That my need is basically infinite, since on my own there is no way I can live my life the way God intended, which is why I need his infinite love to be able to live a life that is even worth living. That probably made zero sense to anyone else, but it made total sense to me, and that's what I needed. I think I'll end this here and go spend some much-needed time with God. As a little end note, since I haven't mentioned this anywhere else, I am not, in fact, going to the graduation commencement, just to verify what anyone may have told you or to let you know in case you didn't already.

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace
~"Frail" by Jars of Clay

Le Music Blog

2006-04-12T11:28:00.000-05:00

I gots me a music blog. If you want to help, just let me know. Here is a link:

I uploaded all of mewithoutYou's first EP, which is out of print.

Yay!

2006-04-09T14:14:00.000-05:00

I am happy. My cat came back. That is all.

My cat ran away

2006-04-08T18:51:00.000-05:00

Today is a very sad day. My favorite cat ran away earlier this afternoon. I'll post a couple pictures of her, just in case any of you from around here happen to see her. Her name is Zelda, and if you see her, you should probably know that people usually scare her so the odds are good that she'll try and run away. Obviously, let me know if you find her or see her or anything. Here are the pictures:

Self pity me so pitiful, you can see that the birds and worms don't get along.

2006-04-04T21:19:00.000-05:00

So for the two or three of you who don't know yet, I am indeed grounded until May 1st. If that's all you need to know, I suggest you stop reading now, because this will probably get really long and uncomfortably personal. Granted, if you've ever read anything else I've written on here, you probably know I get kind of personal at times. Anyway, you've all had fair warning, so here we go.

I'm the same as I was when I was six years old, and oh my G-d I feel so damn old - I don't really feel anything.
~"Never Ending Math Equation" by Modest Mouse

So I'm sure you're wondering why I'm grounded. For that, we need to back up to the beginning of March, maybe the end of February. One Monday I decided that I didn't feel like going to my Freshman Comp class, and I managed to convince myself that there was no real reason for me to be there. Thus, I stayed home and played Super Nintendo or some such ridiculous thing until it was time to go to work. The next day, I went to class because it was computer lab day, and I wanted to download stuff. Sometime within the next few days or week, I decided to skip again, once more convincing myself that I didn't need to be there that day. Now, if you're anything like me (and if you are, I am sorry) once you miss a day or two of school, it becomes incresingly harder to go back. I went a week or so, all the while telling myself I would stay caught up on homework and then go back the next time there was something I deemed "important" enough to go back to class for. This lasted for the next month. That's right, I've been to maybe 3 Freshman Comp classes since I decided to skip that first day. I am a loser and a major idiot.

Everywhere everywhere everywhere, it's all so plain it's all a plan, the sky doesn't ever end.
~"Willful Suspension of Disbelief" by Modest Mouse

Did I mention that the whole time I was skipping my Freshman Comp classes, I was also skipping my Philisophy classes? Because I was. There would be times when I would go to school just to use the computer lab, when I should have been in Philosophy or Freshman Comp. Basically, there was a severe lack of judgement, wisdom, and common sense on my part, and I think I regret the decision I made to skip class more than any other decision I've ever made.

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart. I got this thing that I consider my only art of screwing people over.
~"3rd Planet" by Modest Mouse

Just in case I would need to prove my regret to you for whatever reason, I cried more yesterday than I have in probably two or three years. I started crying on the way to work, and ended up having to pull over at a park and cry for a while, again when I told my mom everything, another time when I was talking to both of my parents about it, and once after that. True, a lot of that was due to more than just the fact that I skipped class and almost didn't graduate because of it. It finally hit me that I am actually graduating in two months, and I have no idea what I am going to do with my life, and that scares me maybe more than anything else has ever scared me in my life. I don't even know what I'm going to do in the fall. The more I think about school, the more I wonder if it's really for me. I mean, it'd be one thing if it was cheap, but I don't want to spend thousands and thousands of dollars to get a degree in something I don't even like. Even if I only get my AA before deciding I don't want to go to school anymore, that's still like $5,000 I could have saved, assuming I continue going to Normandale. And really, I'm not sure how much an AA will help me anyway. So now I'm stuck going to two English classes at high school everyday, one during first hour and one during last hour.

See, my dad's getting a bit older now, and just unimaginably lonely!
...
We have all our beliefs, but we don't want our beliefs. God of Peace, we want You.
~"Four Word Letter (Pt. 2)" by mewithoutYou

I was also crying because I've realized once again how useless I am when left to my own devices. I make terrible decisions every time I'm not putting God at the center of my life. I've been telling myself that I'm going to get back into the habit of reading my Bible and spending time in prayer and meditation each and everyday and that I'm going to kick all the bad habits I have, and I never seem to get around to it. Andrew Schwab said it best in Do Not Disturb - "It takes a jackhammer to the spine, a dying relative, a cancer in the colon, and the deepest betrayal to garner your attention, whether you like it or not." I had to get faced with the prospect of not graduating and messing my life up really bad, with telling my parents that I had been lying to them for the last month about school, with knowing that it was my fault that my sister can't see Project 86 at the end of the month now, and with knowing that everything was my fault because when it comes down to it, I am the laziest person I know, and pretty freaking selfish to boot.

Traveling swallowing Dramamine. Feeling spaced breathing out listerine. I said what I said that I'd tell ya, and that's you killed the better part of me.
~"Dramamine" by Modest Mouse

Finally, I was crying because even though I messed up really bad, and lied to them, and made them really disappointed, my parents were still there for me, willing to talk to me and listen to what I had to say, and help me out through all this shit. I mean, I know they love me, but I guess sometimes I just take that love for granted. Just the fact that they could even talk calmly with me, much less be willing to help and support me right now is a testament to how much they care about me. I realized once again just how much I love them, and how hard it's going to be to move out, whenever that happens. I don't understand why so many people are so eager to move out of their houses and get away from their families. Sometimes I feel like God and my family (and maybe a couple of my friends) are all that I really have. I am honestly not angry about being grounded, which I owe to God, I think. I asked him yesterday to help me accept whatever punishment my parents saw fit to give me without complaining about it, and I know if I hadn't asked him to help me out, I would have probably gone ballistic about being grounded for a month. Both God and my parents pulled through in so many ways yesterday, and I didn't deserve a single one, but that's what love is about, I suppose. And to all the people who don't agree with my parents' decision to ground me for that long, seeing as how I'm 18 and all, allow me to say one thing to you: please, shut up. I respect and, for maybe the first time ever, actually agree with their decision 100%. I don't really expect anyone else to understand their reasoning for grounding me or my agreeing with their decision, but please don't come whining to me about how gay it is that they grounded me for that long and how gay they are for doing it and how they have no right do it, even though I'm 18, and really, what have they ever done for me except feed me and give me a place to live and roughly nine million other things I'm not going to list. So, in summation, if you are one of the people who are thinking of criticizing the decision my parents made, take it elsewhere because I honestly don't want to hear it.

Ice age, heat wave, can't complain. If the world's at large why should I remain?
~"The World At Large" by Modest Mouse

On a happier note, I do enjoy being back at high school. I've missed seeing a lot of people on a regular basis, and it's nice to be able to spend more time with them, since I'm sure I won't after graduation. I like English much better there, too. Driving back an forth between RHS, Normandale, and work will eat quite a bit of gas, but seeing as how I won't be using it on anything else for the next month, it probably won't make any difference. Anyway, I think it's time for me to wrap this up. I guess I'll end by saying that Isaac Brock of Modest Mouse writes the greatest album-opening lines ever. All of the lyric quotes, apart from the mewithoutYou one (obviously) and the next one I'll post are the opening lines to various Modest Mouse albums, including the title of this post. And that's that. See you all in a month.

Took a bus straight to Baltimore
On the way he took a nap
Dropped off a note that said "I'm giving this note back"
PS- There's a lot going on underneath
There's roots there's pipes, there's drainage leaks
You're on, you're wrong
Truly sorry, I see clearly
Calmly crashing, I pace faster than anyone
Hinges rusting, they swing louder than anything
Truly lonely this place is flatter than it seems
I'm upset and I leave the doors wide open
Our hearts are used up, cracked and dry
Pulled the scabs off of regrets
We haven't learned to read our conscience yet
Truly sorry, I see clearly
Hardy hoping, I spend it all on game machines
Calmly crashing, I pace and I figure out again
One hand clapping, awake but napping
Rows of lights to illuminate lines
Why don't they turn them off and let us see night
Drove crazed grooming my lies
You can't look in on one way eyes
~"Ohio" by Modest Mouse

Eulogy

2006-03-26T00:31:00.000-06:00

If Jesus Christ is true, then I am mostly lies
If Jesus Christ is love, then I have failed to try
If Jesus Christ is life, then please just let me die
Let this die

Just thought I would let you know.

I Believe I Shat My Pants

2006-03-02T15:13:00.000-06:00

If you live in the Minneapolis area, do yourself a favor and come to all of the following shows at 3 Degrees. If it's any extra incentive, you can see me. And if you go to the Project 86 show, you can see me in corpse paint, wearing a shirt that says "I <3 Teh Projekts" and features little crudley-drawn stick figures of each of the band members. I'll upload a picture once I finish it. If you don't live in the Minneapolis area... come anyway. I might even pay for your ticket.

Here be the shows:

EVENT: Project 86, August Burns Red & The Showdown
DATE: 4/28/2006 (Friday)
COVER: $12 advance/$15 day of show
START TIME: 8:00 PM
DOORS OPEN: 6:30 pm
INFO: Project 86 www.project86.com
August Burns Red
The Showdown

EVENT: P.O.D., Pillar, The Chariot & More
DATE: 5/1/2006 (Monday)
COVER: $17 advance/$20 day of show
START TIME: 8:00 PM
DOORS OPEN: 6:30 pm
INFO: P.O.D. www.payableondeath.com
Pillar www.pillarmusic.com
The Chariot www.thechariot.com
Maylene & The Sons of Disaster

EVENT: Demon Hunter, Zao, Spoken, August Burns Red & More
DATE: 7/6/2006 (Thursday)
COVER: $15 advance/$15 day of show
START TIME: 8:00 PM
DOORS OPEN: 6:30 pm
INFO: Demon Hunter www.demonhunter.net
Zao
Spoken www.spokenmusic.com
August Burns Red
Becoming the Architype

Click for more info.

More Photoshop Phun

2006-03-01T11:44:00.000-06:00

Here's my latest project for Graphic Design. It's pretty simple, and didn't really turn out as well as I thought it would (I originally had an entirely different background that was way cooler, but that ended up not working out) but I still like it.

smells like autumn, smells like leaves
you don't know that you'll rust and not belong so much
and then get left alone
suck it up, take a ride and take a walk
and don't you know that old folks' homes smell so much like my own.
...
we left our teeth marks on the barrel of a gun
"Hotcha Girls" by Ugly Casanova

I was dreamin' about your record collection, and all of our scratched affection

2006-03-01T00:16:00.000-06:00

Out of breath and out of cash, find yourself watching M.A.S.H., every night on the couch. Woman says let's take a drive down south, roll down the windows and open our mouths taste where we are and play the music loud. Stop the car, lay on the grass, the planets spin and we watch space pass.
~"So Much Beauty in Dirt" by Modest Mouse

So I was putting stuff on my iPod and about to hit the sack, when I started listening to Staind (and let's not make my at times questionable taste in music the point of this entry) and suddenly had a vivid memory of just about every time I ever listened to that particular Staind song. I pictured myself riding in the back of our old van on the way up to the lake, staring at the grey sky with a few rays of sun poking through, drops of rain clinging to the window. I pictured myself listening to it for the first time after Tim gave me a burned copy of the CD at school, and walking around Augsburg Park while it was pouring rain, and sitting at the library looking at the lyrics, and driving home from work at Taco Bell this past summer.

Living is easy when it's night
"If Things Were Perfect" by Moby

Songs, above everything else, carry so many memories with them, and can bring dozens of them to the front of my mind at one time. And nearly every song I've ever heard has at least one clear memory associated with it. "Brain Damage" by Pink Floyd reminds me of the spring/summer during and directly following my Freshman year, and how I started to get into Pink Floyd and a bunch of other music, and how much I liked Evelyn, and how I've seen her once since then. The same with Deadsy's "Commencement" album, as well as walking around Veteran's Park countless times while listening to it. Any music by Godspeed You! Black Emperor reminds me of any number of the following things, almost all of which involve driving:
-driving around with Tim after the end-of-school party at Jackie's house last year
-driving around with Michael on various nights
-driving around by myself after every cast party I showed up at last year, specifically driving backroads in Apple Valley and down 494 while they were doing construction, and being really, really depressed about Jackie
-driving out to Northfield a couple weeks ago with Ben and Brian, when it was pitch black and blisteringly cold (yes, blisteringly cold), and being completely strung out on sleeplessness and caffeine
-driving home from my first day of this semester at Normandale when I was really stressed out, cranking the music up as loud as it would go, and feeling the stress completely leave
-falling asleep/waking up in the middle of the night on the couch up at the lake and being scared out of my mind by the opening to "Antennas to Heaven"

And St. Cyril's fair always came through the first week of September
But it's already the 19th... and there's no sign of it...
Yet I have a hard time remembering all the things I should remember
And a hard time forgetting all the things that I was supposed to forget.
And, Christ, when You're ready to come back,
Then I think I'm ready for You to come back;
But if You want to stay wherever exactly it is You are,
That's okay, too... it's, it's really none of my business.
~"Carousels" - mewithoutYou

Ready for more? "Break the Cycle" by Staind reminds me of the summer after 8th grade, and how it seemed like almost everyone I knew either claimed to have an eating disorder or talked about wanting to commit suicide or was messed up in some other way, and feeling responsible to try and help everyone with their "problems", which in retrospect, were mostly (if not entirely) fake. It also reminds me of later that summer when I "dated" Amy for a week and she broke it off over some really retarted misunderstanding, because she is, to put it nicely, a bitch. Yes, that was putting it nicely.That same album reminds me of even later that summer, after the River Rush, when every single friend I had at church, apart from Alex, Regina, and Phil C. either hated me or refused to talk to me or help me out because they didn't want the people who hated me to hate them, and how that was also over a gigantic misunderstanding that I can honestly say was not my fault. Finally, it reminds me of that one day in the spring of last year when it was really cold out, and I brought my sister out to church for something or other. Then, it started to rain, and I drove down to Lake Nokomis and drove around it with the window down, crying my eyes out over... yeah, of course, a girl (this time, it was Jackie).

I was dressed for success
But success it never comes
And I'm the only one who laughs
At your jokes when they are so bad
And your jokes are always bad
But they're not as bad as this
~"Here" by Pavement

Just a few more, and then I've gotta get to bed. "Cosmic Cowboy" by Barry McGuire reminds me of driving out to some state park for the day in the middle of autumn with my dad when I was little. "Oh Comely" by Neutral Milk Hotel reminds me of flying into Minneapolis after spending a week in Mexico, and almost crying, half from sleep deprivation, half from the beauty of the city lights stretching out for miles. And for the last one I'll share, even though this is more for me than you, whoever you are, is also a flying one. Coldplay's "Parachutes" album reminds me, among other things, of flying into Minneapolis on the way home from Kosovo, and almost crying for a million and one reasons. That is one of the most beautiful memories I have. In case this actually interested you, feel free to ask me about any other song I've heard, and I'll be sure to bore you with all the personal significance it has to me. Alternately, you could tell me about songs that have personal meaning to you, since that would certainly be more fun for you, and I am such a big music nerd that I'm actually interested in hearing about stuff like that. And now, good night.

The hungry and the hanged
The damaged and the done
Striving 'long this spinning rock
Tumbling past the sun
Get through this life without killing anyone
And consider yourself golden

Lost a friend to cocaine
Couple friends to smack
Troubled hearts map deserts
And they rarely do come back
Lost a friend to oceans
Lost a friend to hills
Lost a friend to suicide
Lost a friend to pills
Lost a friend to monsters
Lost a friend to shame
Lost a friend to marriage
Lost a friend to blame
Lost a friend to worry
And lost a friend to wealth
Lost a friend to stubborn pride
And then I lost myself

I love my dog and she loves me
The world's a mess and so are we
She tumbles long green, muddy fields
Sick with joy and glee
And as she dreams sweet puppy dreams
Whimpering gently

There's fresh meat in the club tonight
God bless our dead marines
Someone had an accident above the burning trees
While somewhere distant, peacefully
Our vulgar princes sleep
Dead kids don't get photographed
God bless this century

When the world is sick
Can no one be well?
But I dreamt we was all beautiful and strong
"God Bless Our Dead Marines" by A Silver Mt. Zion

iPizzle

2006-02-25T19:48:00.000-06:00

Amazing.

Also, I have one.

Survey Stolen from Topher

2006-02-22T22:35:00.000-06:00

Best, Worst, Last, First, Today, Tomorrow, Favorites, and Current.

_______BEST______
1. Male friends: DJ, Michael, others. Christopher, of course.
2. Female friends: Regina, Jenessa.
3. Vacation: Kosovo... not really vacation at all, but the best time I ever had outside the country for sure.
4. Age: Pfft... I don't know. The summer between 7th and 8th grade was pretty stinking good... so... 13? Also, 17 has been pretty good to me for the almost 11 months I've known it.
5. Memory: South Dakota, Kosovo, Project 86 and Zao and East West concerts.

_______WORST_______
1. Time of day: Waking up.
2. Day of the week: Monday.
3. Food: Spaghetti sauce with mushrooms.
4. Memory: Jackie rejecting me and God at the same time. The God part hurt the worst.
5. Boyfriend/girlfriend: Katie, but that was entirely my fault. Oddly enough, I was just thinking about that earlier tonight.

_______LAST_______
1. Person you saw: Caitlin.
2. Talked to on the phone: Um... Dad, probably.
3. Hugged: Phil, I think. Maybe Tim E.
4. Text messaged: Topher.

_______TODAY_______
1. What are you doing now: Listening to NESkimos, talking to Topher, filling this out (a-duh).
2. Tonight: Sleeping, after I read some more of Punktown and maybe Prey.
3. Wearing: Plain black t-shirt, blue jeans, headphones.
4. What did you eat for lunch: Didn't. Ate eggs for breakfast and chinese food for dinner.
5. Better than yesterday?: Sure, why not?

_______TOMORROW_______
1. Is: Thursday.
2. Got any plans: Go to my only (and favorite) class, Music Listening, work, read, watch movies, listen to music.
3. Dislikes about tomorrow: Work, kind of. I get to listen to Velocity by Koontz, though, and work is pretty okay anyway.
4. Do you have work: No... wait, yes.

_______FAVORITES_______
1. Number: 42.
2. Song: A zillion and one. Head over to my Myspace, look at the band on there, and assume that every song all of those bands ever wrote are my favorite songs.
3. Color: Orange.
4. Season: Autumn.
5. State: Minnesota.

_______CURRENTLY_______
1. With someone: Nope.
2. Missing someone: A little.
3. Mood: Magical and fantastical.
4. Wanting: Some money.

_______RANDOM__________
1. Who was the person who posted this before you?: Topher.
2. Describe that Person: Made of win and 1337sex.

God is love and love is real, but the dead are dancing with the dead,
And whatever's charming disappears while all things lovely only hurt my head
As I gather stones from fields like pearls of water on my fingers' ends
(And I carefully wrap them up in boxes... safe from windows...)
From things that break!!

As the night-time shined like day it saw my sorry face and hair a mess
But it liked me best that way... besides, how else could I confess?
When I looked down like if to pray,
Well, I was looking down her dress... good God!
Please, catch for us the foxes in the vineyard... the little foxes.

So turn your ears, you musicians, to silence
Because they only come out when it's quiet,
Their tails brushing over your eyelids...
Oh, wake up, sleepers, and rise from the dead!
Or the fur that they shed that's gonna lay on your bed
In a delicate orange-ish cinnamon red... ah, but I don't need this!
I don't need this!
For I have my loves... I don't need this.
~"The Soviet" by mewithoutYou

No 50 States After All :(

2006-02-15T09:33:00.000-06:00

So it turns out Sufjan won't be recording an album for each of the 50 states after all... or at least, that's what one sentence on this page says. Scroll down to the explanation for track 18, and it says "18. Sufjan Stevens is not going to write a record for each of the 50 states after all." Bummer. Hopefully he records a couple more, though, even if he doesn't get around to Minnesota. I love the concept.

On a happier (and scarier) note, there is a new Salad Fingers. It's pretty good.

On an even scarier note, see The Machinist. It's freaking sweet.

Donkey Rhubarb, Pancake Lizards, and 54 Cymru Beats

2006-02-11T20:55:00.000-06:00

For I am Wodan,
Though, some call me Hermes,
Some call me Roman Mercury,
God of cargos,
God of weather,
Hanging God of boundaries,
Hanging God of Gibbet Hill
Killing God of hidden doorways.
~"My Wall" by Sunn0)))

If I could have one superpower, do you know what it would be? Not flight, not the ability to shoot lasers out of my left eye or spaghetti out of my fingers, not even the ability walk at a slightly faster rate than the average human being. I would like to be able to look at a package of food and know exactly how much food is in it. Think about it! If I wanted to buy a bag of chips, I could look at every bag and know which one had the most chips in it, thus getting the best deal for my money. How sweet would that be? Also, I'd probably be a big hit at parties. I'd say how much, say, a pizza weighed, and then the other people there would put it on a scale and I'd be right, of course, since it is my freaking superpower, after all. I'd make bets with people and get money to buy more food with it, using my power to make sure I get the most I can. And if I ever turned to cannibalism, I could know exactly how much edible was on a person before I ate them. Same with being zombified - I could see who had the biggest brain and the most intestines before risking getting my brains blown out. Sweet.

I've got to find the princess, she's in another castle
I'm dancing with the Capulet
We're so "crazy in love"
~"The Seduction" by He Is Legend

In case you didn't know, Super Nintendo is the greatest gaming system of all time. Forget about the XBox 360 and all this new crap. Pure 16-Bit glory is where it's at. I just beat The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past tonight, and man, is that game wicked bunk. I beat BS Zelda a couple weeks ago, which was pretty sweet, even if it only took about 5 or 6 hours of gaming. Seriously, if you disagree with me, go to EmuAsylum and download the ROMs for ChronoTrigger, Earthbound, Actraiser, Super Smash TV, and Mega Man X with the two sequels (make sure you download the ROMs with (U) at the end, so you get the US version). Then, go to ArchNacho & Tortilla Godzilla's Quality ROMs and get Kirby Deluxe, Super Metroid, Contra 3, Tetris Attack, and The Legend of Zelda. Make sure you download zSNES from one of the sites so you can actually play the games (don't get SNES9x, it sucks). If you have a gamepad-type controller for your compy, make sure you use it, it will make the games even better. If you still disagree with me after playing some of those games, come to my house so I can stab you in the jaw, because you are clearly wrong.

The gathering of boys I rely on,
know exactly who they are
and I will build their protection with bloody hands.
~"Song for the Fishermen" by 36 Crazyfists

I've been getting back into electronic music again as of late. I'd forgotten how much I love some of it. Aphex Twin, Moby, and the Chemical Brothers, for instance. I was kinda burned out on IDM and Ambient and Big Beat for a while there because I listened to it so much, but some of my favorite songs are in those genres, and it's awesome to back and listen to them again. Maybe I'll make a mixtape for all of you and then upload it to Rapidshare or something. On a semi-related note, if you're at all into radio interviews with bands/musicians, you definitely need to check out Toazted. It's the interview archive for some radio station in Amsterdam, and they have a couple hundred interviews on there with a buttload of my favorite bands/artists, all in MP3 format, most lasting upwards of 15 minutes. Awesome stuff.

I am awaiting the sunrise
Gazing modestly through the coldest morning
Once it came you lied
Embracing us over autumn's proud treetops
~"To Bid You Farewell" by Opeth

A bunch of people have been asking me about 7x as of late, and honestly, I'm not sure what the deal is. I hardly see Alex anymore, and every time I do see him, I keep forgetting to ask him. Everyone should just start e-mailing him and calling him nonstop until he fixes it and/or switches servers like he's been saying he'll do for at least the last nine months. I'll start doing it too. It'll give me something to do now, since I finished the last episode of NewsRadio yesterday. I love that show. Well, I think I'muna head off. My brain hurts from taking the ACT earlier today, and my sister needs the interbutt. Curse you, dial-up connection. Anyway, good night everyone out there in interweb-land.

Open wrists talk back again
In the wounded of its skin
They'll pinprick the witness
In ritual contrition
The AM trinity fell upon asphyxia-derailed
In the rattles of...
Made its way through the tracks
Of a snail slouching whisper
A half mass commute through umbilical blisters
Spectre will lurk
Radar has gathered
Midnight nooses from boxcar cadavers
~"Roulette Dares (The Haunt of)" by The Mars Volta

Photoshop Master

2006-02-01T10:25:00.000-06:00

Yes, yes, I am the Master of Photoshop... well, sort of. I just spent the last half hour turning this:

Into this:

That is my way of saying that I'm bored and have nothing better to do than upload the stuff I just did in Computer Art. Woohoo.

Mike has a blooger!

2006-01-29T21:48:00.000-06:00

Yes he does, yes he does. I was going to quote a couple sentences from it that really had an impact on me, but it turned out that the whole thing had an impact on me. So you should totally go read it. In other news, we had our first team meeting for Kosovo today, and I am finally really, really excited to go. Just thought you might like to know. Anyway, that's all for tonight. Gotta go write a final draft of a paper for Freshman Comp.

you always amazed me
but thats the past
i kept silent and it rained for days
my inside were drenched
but i guess that's the part of growing up
i never wanted to learn
and i grew into the man
that you never knew
but i wouldn't be this way
if it wasn't for you
100 thank you's
it this is love
fairy tales never came true
judies are black in full bloom
and i died in the womb
take it back, all that's gone
it's all still there like you left it
december stayed the same
nothing ever changed but you
every dream covered in dents
love can't fly tonight
couples will rest, i'll be sleepless
so cry yourself to sleep
this is about broken hearts
this is about me
bending again for nothing
i'd run to you but pain awaits
i'm coming home
but i'll be late
no deeper than imagination can be
sight with nothing to see
what's faith if i can't believe
it's everything
a cure, but i make it a disease
God take me because i hate me
~"Alone In December" by Underoath

New sidebar

2006-01-28T20:05:00.000-06:00

Just in case you didn't notice, I added some new stuff to the sidebar, since I'm sure you're all dying to know what music I listen to and what movies I watch. Just hover over the artwork for the name of the cd/dvd. That is all.

The days get longer and the nights smell green, I guess it's not surprising but it's spring and I should leave.

2006-01-28T02:35:00.000-06:00

On a bus ride into town, I wondered out loud, "Why am I going to town?"
As I looked around at the billboards and the stores I thought, "Why do I look around?"
And I kissed the filthy ground... the first dry spot I found...
I didn't have to wonder why I was laying down.

For those of you who read this thing and don't live here in Minnesota (that means you, Topher and Jenessa... you might be the only ones who read this at all, actually), it has been unseasonably warm for the past couple days. I guess this is supposed to be the coldest week of the year on average, and it's been in the 40s. That's like 30 degrees above the average for the last 65 years. Needless to say, I've been wasting gas as I drive around with the windows down, listening to music.

Before long I was too cold... took a bus back to the station,
I found a letter left by a pay phone with no return contact
And it read like a horn blown by some sad angel,
"Bunny, it was me... it was me who let you down"
It was the shyest attempt I'd ever seen at conversation.

What music, you say? I'm glad you asked. Mostly it's been The Renaissance EP and Slowly Going the Way of the Buffalo by MxPx, Good News For People Who Love Bad News by Modest Mouse, and random songs by Bright Eyes and Foo Fighters. I think I'm going to make a happy-time warm weather driving mix casette so I don't have to keep changing tracks on my MP3 player in traffic where I could potentially drive off of a bridge.

But if I didn't have You as my guide, I'd still wander lost in Sinai,
Counting the plates of cars from out-of-state,
How I could jump in their path as they hurry along!
And You surround me, You're pretty but You're all I can see
Like a thick fog...
If there was no way into God,
I would never have laid in this grave of a body for so long.

In other news, I finally broke down and got a MySpace. I know, I know, I am now officially a trendy loser. I really only got it because 7x has been down for like a week, and the Internet is so boring without it that I had to do something, and signing up for a place that would allow me to list as many of my favorite bands as I wanted sounded like a good idea (unlike a certain blog hosting service that shall remain anonymous). All of my posts will still be here, though. MySpace's blog service sucks really, really hard.

And St. Cyril's fair always came through the first week of September
But it's already the 19th... and there's no sign of it...
Yet I have a hard time remembering all the things I should remember
And a hard time forgetting all the things that I was supposed to forget.
And, Christ, when You're ready to come back,
Then I think I'm ready for You to come back;
But if You want to stay wherever exactly it is You are,
That's okay, too... it's, it's really none of my business.

It's kind of nice to know that college students are just and lazy and procrastinating as high school students. I had to have a rough draft of a paper done for Freshman Comp this morning so we could do peer reviewing, and the other two people in my group both wrote their papers last night, just like me. I'm not really sure why I thought college students would be any more responsible about stuff like that, but the fact remains that I did, and I'm happy to know that I was wrong. Speaking of writing, I've been thinking about writing an article for the school paper about my top 25 albums of 2005, since all of the music articles in there really suck. If it does get written, I'll post it here. In case you were wondering, all the lyrical interruptions between paragraphs are from one song, "Carousels" by mewithoutYou. I've really, really been getting into this band lately. It tears me apart inside just listening to them, and that is definitely a good thing. If you are interested in hearing them (and why shouldn't you be, since I clearly have wonderful taste in music), go check out my MySpace for one of my favorite songs by them. That's probably the best part about MySpace, the ability to share all the great music I discover with everyone else. Anywho, it somehow got to be past 3:00, and I should probably hit the sack. More to come.

And if I didn't have You as my guide, I'd still wander lost in Sinai
Or down by the tracks watching trains go by
To remind me: there are places that aren't here.
And I had a well but all the water left,
So I'll go ask Your forgiveness with every breath,
And if there was no way into God,
I would never have laid in this grave of a body... so long, dear.

Necrophonic Blasphemies of the Carnal Nihilist, Witchking of the Unholy Winterforest and the Howling Mount of Despair

2006-01-26T20:42:00.000-06:00

I am tr00 kvlt.

There's so much beauty it could make you cry.

2006-01-22T20:22:00.000-06:00

"Robot Lords of Tokyo, SMILE TASTE KITTENS!" - 10001110101 by Clutch

So for those of you who don't know, last Friday was my last day of high school. Ever. Basically, I'll go back for graduation (unfortunately... I don't really wanna go to the ceremony, but my parents want me to, so... meh) and the senior party, and that's it. Oh, and I might do tech for the musical since my schedule finally allows it. Now I'm taking all my classes over at Normandale, which is pretty cool, especially since PSEO pays for everything. Freshman Comp, Intro Philosophy, Graphic Design, and Music Listening, are my classes, in case you were wondering. It's weird, because I thought this would be the coolest thing ever, but the more I think about the fact that I'm done with high school forever, the harder it gets to believe that. I guess growing up scares the hell out of me sometimes. Wait, scratch that, all the time. It's just insane to think that I'm almost a quarter of the way through my life already.

"Someone cut the oxygen and took a message to the king" - Either They Decorated For Christmas Early or They're All Dead by He Is Legend

I've been up since 4:30 this morning, running on four hours of sleep, so maybe that explains a lot of the way I'm feeling. Sleep depravation does weird things to me after a while. I had to take my parents to the airport, because they're on a cruise for the next week. I was going to go home and go back to bed, but instead I drank a pot of coffee and watched Garden State, then went out and sat in the snow, listened to music, and watched the sun rise. I wrote this poem-thing after I went inside because I've had lines for one bouncing around in my head for a couple weeks, but is sucks pretty bad. Basically, it comes down to the fact that I never want to leave this place. I love Minnesota... I mean, I really love everything about this place, and I don't really know why.

"I wish I never held your hand, I wish I never knew your name,
Or I just wish that from the day we met nothing ever, ever changed" - If You Like Me Check Yes, If You Don't I'll Die by Showbread

You know that part in Garden State where Zach Braff's character is talking about home, and how one day your house just doesn't seem like a home anymore and maybe it never will and you need to start a family of your own to get that feeling? I think maybe I'm starting to go through that... either that, or I'm just scared of something like that happening. As much as I complain about my family and everything, I love them all to death, and even though part of me wants to get out of the house and live on my own, another part of me wants to stay here as long as I can.

"Let's take the longest way through the hallways of your mind.
Upon your knees, the phantom breeze of a shipwreck lost in time." - Winners by Deadsy

I hung out with DJ and Elliot today. We played board games and Guillotine all afternoon. It was sweet. Except for that Vegas game, that game sucked. Big time. I need to figure out how to play that One False Step for Mankind game, because it sounds like it might actually require some strategy and real thinking, which is awesome. Not that mindless, dice-rolling, card-drawing is a bad thing, because that's just as awesome, but I can only play the twitch shooters of the tabletop gaming world for so long before I feel the need to play a strategy-type game... that was a terrible metaphor.

"From this oversize aquarium that daddy kept cleanly
To unhealthy degrees
Writing suicide notes with invisible ink
On transparencies
And posting them to the glass boundaries that
Surround the seas of change."
- Mermaids Are Sea Sluts by Sage Francis

Do those lyric quotes get annoying? Here's another:

"Everything I've said to you I will form a spike (to drive through my throat). In order to stop my words, this time I'll put them in the ground along with my memories and my feelings" - 5 Year Winter by Zao.

In other news, I'm going back to Kosovo this summer, which is sweet. More news on that once I get more details on what we're doing and things of that nature.

"Come kiss my face goodbye,
that space below my eye and above my cheek" - Silencer by mewithoutYou.

And holy crap, I need to wrap this up and go do some homework for college tomorrow and get to bed. I promise the next entry won't be as random and depressing, and maybe, just maybe, will be sooner than later. Maybe.

Je leverai les yeux a toi-
J'ai change cent foi de nom
Je leverai les yeux a toi-
Je n'ai pas d'spoir.
- Bullet to Binary by mewithoutYou

Hi there, how do you do? My name is you.

2005-11-07T21:30:00.000-06:00

Mondays are too freaking long. Chickens taste good. Modese Mouse destroyed my life. Driving is fun. I have been listening to too many different bands lately. I should write something for the school paper. I should actually start working on the music section of 7x. I need to wash some t-shirts. I can't wait to go see Project 86 and P.O.D. on December 1st. I am painting my face like a skull again. This time it will be better. There will be pictures. Speaking of pictures, here is the pimpkin (yes, that was a typo, but it was so awesome I am leaving it) I carved on Halloween. It is Homsar.

I am going to buy another game from Cheapass Games. It will probably be Deadwood, and maybe some expansions. Or maybe Kill Doctor Lucky. Or a zombie game. I like zombies. I like Resident Evil and Silent Hill. I can now play Nintendo 64 games on my compy. Paper Mario is awesome. So is Batman Begins. So is The Legend of 1900. You should all see both those movies. And listen to Modest Mouse. And Coheed and Cambria. Okay, that is all for tonight. More posting later.

Time for a little honesty

2005-11-02T23:03:00.000-06:00

I am freaking sick of living my life the way I am. For quite some time, I've been living my life however I want, professing my faith in Christ, while the whole time I have been living a life that says anything but. I keep saying I'm tired of lusting, lying, swearing, disobeying my parents, stealing, judging, being prideful, and a whole list of other sins I can't even think of right now, but I do nothing to change them. I just keep committing the same sins over and over and over again, continually asking God for forgiveness, then slapping Him in the face by committing the sin I just asked forgiveness for. I keep asking God to take away these parts of me so I can live for Him, all the while silently saying, "But not quite yet. Let me keep doing this a little longer." But you know what? I'm done with that. I am taking things into my own hands. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing this with God every stop of the way, but I realize it's up to me to take that first step and stand up to temptation, because that's the only way I'm going to grow in my faith and in my relationship with God. These past two days have been a pretty cool experience. I've finally made a real commitment to read my Bible on a daily basis (and really read it and apply what I'm reading to my life) and to stop living my own way and start living God's way. I've screwed up a bunch of times already, but you know what? I'm not allowing myself to get away with that kind of crap anymore. I'm asking for forgiveness for those things right away, and then trying to take those kinds of thoughts captive the next time they come around. I'm developing defenses against my old ways of life, and then asking God for help after I've started, instead of waiting for Him to change me. And finally, finally, it feels like I might be getting somewhere for once. So, to anyone who actually reads this, if you'd be willing to do me a favor and keep me accountable to this new standard of living and following Christ I'm trying to accomplish, it'd be much appreciated. I will totally do the same for you, if you like. So I guess that's about it for right now... I think Project 86 said it best in their song, "Sincerely Ichabod":

We once drew some lines in black
And right now it's about time we took them back
So bored of losing ground to the heresy
In our hearts
With a steady steady hand hand hammer hammer blade blade through your sweaty sweaty skin skin skin
...
Off with your head
We'll take it all back, and then some
...
I know who I am in the depths of spirit and truth
I've seen the face of redemption, and He isn't you
I through indulging the depths of my cruelest nature
So I think this blade better suits you...
Since we're the ones who occupy this temple
We'll be the ones who'll show you out

PS: CAMEO FOR JENESSA! WOOHOO!

2005-10-12T22:18:00.000-05:00

OH NOES, SKULL PICCIE!!!

In the Aftermath

2005-10-12T21:10:00.000-05:00

Hard to admit, but once again in the same circumstance. You would think that after everything there would be progress, but the prevailing winds have brought back the human happenstance. There was the wind-up, the sales pitch, not unlike the squadron of parasites roaming the circuits, the wires, the satellite network airwaves in search of a commission, entering your home through an earpiece uninvited, offering you a service that sounds so complete...

But one you do not need.

It would be so attractive, so enticing, were it not the fact that...I have been here too many times before. And here, post-purchase, oh it looked so much more colorful so much more complementary to this fast fix easy fix gratify instant lunch on the run super glue, drying in only 17 seconds, than it did when I got it home.

Do the fallen angels earn a percentage every time I fail?
Do they sit in boardrooms, charting my transgressing habits?
Do they get raises for meeting their quotas?

The desire gives birth to fruition, which gives birth to the empty, which gives birth to guilt which gives birth to dissatisfaction, which gives birth to a hunger for more.

We have been here before.

So in the aftermath I sit on the sidelines once more. Knowing I don't have to return. Knowing there is something more.

It is the cry of my heart...to be anywhere but here.

by Andrew Schwab, from his book Do Not Disturb

Oh man, first real post!

2005-10-07T13:33:00.000-05:00

Listening to: "Cavity King" - Project 86

So I went to the Project 86 show downtown last night. Oh man, I love that band so much. Seriously, if you don't have the new album yet, go buy it. Anyway, concert. Last night was the fourth time I'd seen them, and it also happened to be the best show I've seen. As in best show ever. Granted, I usually say that everytime I go to a concert, but this time I probably mean it. My sister and I painted skulls on our faces because of something Andrew said on the band's tour journal like a year ago (photos of us coming soon). We got weird looks for it, but it was so worth it because we got free CD samplers, a free Rockstar energy drink, and best of all Andrew Schwab himself stuck the microphone in my face. In all the times I've seen them, I've never seen him put the microphone in anybody's face, but this time he stuck it in mine. Definitely a highlight of my life. Unfortunately we had to leave early, so we missed the last half of "The Hand, The Furnace, The Straight Face", "Stein's Theme", and "Another Boredom Movement", which is pretty lame, especially since I've never seen them play "Another Boredom Movement" live. Oh well. I bought a shirt and their DVD for $20, which is awesome. I can't wait to watch the DVD with my sister tonight. I better be in the Sonshine footage, or I will probably cry.

Okay, so I've talked about music, and now it's time to talk about faith. Andrew said something between songs last night that I really needed - "I've realized that the only thing that really matters in this life is Jesus. It's as simple as that." I've been straying quite a bit lately, and apart from this morning, I can't even tell you the last time I read more than a couple verses out of a Bible. My life is in need of some serious change right now. Anyone who wants to give me some prayer is more than welcome to it.

Well, that about wraps it up for right now. I gotta head off to work in about five minutes, and then come home and program for a couple hours because I waited two weeks until to today to do my Visual Basic homework for tomorrow. Stupid 6 1/2 hour Saturday classes... anyway, goodbye for now. Maybe I will update this more than my other blog. Don't count on it, though.

lol first post

2005-09-20T00:52:00.000-05:00

You should go to my group blog with Michael and look at the picture in the second most recent post (the one of the guy with the horn). It is probably better than anything I will ever say here.